[The following column answered by me
was published in the Deccan Herald of September 15, 2016]
Dear Madam,
I am a BTech student, who finds no
point in leading life as an engineer, where I can’t be of any help to others.
So, I wish to get into medical field and be a doctor who can save lives. I
don’t know how to express this to my family, who expect a lot from me. Please
help me.
A student
Dear student,
There are several things that stand out for
me in your letter. Your desire to be of service to mankind is commendable, but
it seems to me that you consider moving from engineering into medicine a step
down. I am not sure why you think that way because this is not a choice between
the right and the wrong, but rather one between two right options. Often we are
faced with having to make a choice between two equally good options and this
appears to be one such situation. It may be worthwhile for you to understand
why you are considering medicine as an inferior choice.
Because you are considering it as an inferior choice, you seem to be fearful about discussing it with your parents. You are assuming they will feel let down by it and that you will not be able to fulfil their expectations if you become a doctor. Please try and understand what you think these expectations are? Most of the time we assume people have expectations, and also assume what the expectations must be. It is worth your while to see if that is truly the case. You may be assuming all this about your parents which in reality may not be true and the only way to find that out is to have open meaningful communication with them.
My last point is that no matter what others’ expectations may be of you, you need to do what you believe in. You need to live for yourself, because you only have one life to live. And the chances are that if you live authentically and be true to yourself, you will be happy, and as a result those around you will also be happy. Ultimately, if your parents find you committed to a path that you believe in, which is giving you happiness and satisfaction, they will eventually realise that you chose the path that was best for you.
Dear Madam,
Though I didn’t study properly in PU and scored less marks, my parents joined me to a diploma course. Later, I started studying seriously and my parents were happy with it. But now, in spite of putting 100% effort, I have two backlogs in my fifth semester and I couldn’t clear it in the final semester also. Both teachers and parents have supported me. Even the slow learners in my class have got into engineering. I feel that with a precious year of my life is getting wasted, all is lost. I don’t know what to do. My main worry is that my parents are not happy with me. I want to see them happy at any cost. Please help me out.
A student
Dear student,
Please remember that life is not a race with
time running out, so that if you stumble once all is lost and you lose the
race. Life is like a marathon run where you may lose some time, or you stumble,
but the goal is to complete the course, not to win it. If you win, it is a
bonus. So if you have lost some time, it does not mean that all is lost. Put
the one year into the perspective of your whole life of more than 80 years.
Life is about experiences and learnings, and this slight detour may have taught you some life lessons. If you have learnt those lessons then nothing is lost. So, may be you should take some time to take stock of what this experience has taught you and how you are going to utilise those learnings.
Your goal cannot be to make your parents happy, because that is not within your control. You have to focus on things within your control, like your own happiness. You are not responsible for your parents’ happiness. They are responsible for their happiness and you are responsible for yours. You may do the best you can and they may still choose to not be happy.
That is something they control and is not in your control. So don’t focus on it. Focus on your own happiness, which will come from living authentically and meaningfully, and giving your best effort to all your endeavours. That is all that counts. Your parents’ happiness will follow.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
I have just finished college and taken up my first job. Though I like my work, I am not able to move freely with the team. I also find it difficult to concentrate on my work and hence, the work suffers. In spite of repeated suggestions and advice from my colleagues, I am not able to improve. This makes me feel low. Kindly help me overcome this situation.
A confused person
Dear confused person,
I think it will be helpful for you to meet a
counsellor who can help you understand what you are going through. If you do
not have access to a face to face counsellor, you can call the free counselling
helpline at 080 65333323. A counsellor will be able to help you identify your
fears that are preventing you from mixing with your colleagues, and your
anxieties that may be interfering with your ability to focus.
Could it be possible that you are worried and anxious in your new surrounding – what will people think of you, what if they think you are not good enough, what if you make a mistake in your work, what if they fire you from the job? Could it be possible that such thoughts and worries are bogging you down? I cannot say for sure because I have not spoken to you, but this is just a guess I am making.
Whether this is true or not, it will be helpful for you to meet a counsellor to identify the underlying reasons for your behaviour and learn of ways to overcome it.
All the best.
Dear Madam,
Our 10-year-old child has joined a good school recently and is taking time to adjust to the new environment. Some days, he comes home with a sad face. When asked, he complains about his classmates not being friendly. He also asks us to change the school. But after a few days, he withdraws his suggestion and says that he is happy with the school. We are worried about his experience in the school and do not know how to go about. Please guide us in this regard.
Worried parents
Dear worried parents,
If the school has a counsellor, it will be
good for you to connect to him or her and discuss your concerns. Also,
encourage your child to visit the counsellor who will be able to help him
process his experiences in a way that he does not feel traumatised.
Everyone takes time to adjust to a new environment. The important thing to remember is that neither you, nor your son, can control the environment. The only thing you can control is how you respond to whatever is happening in the environment. You cannot tell others in the school to behave properly because you have no power over them, and even if some listen, others may not. Or they may listen for a while and then revert to their old behaviour. Or some children may stop misbehaving and others may start.
The only thing you can control, that is constant in all these situations, is how you respond to the situation and how much you allow it to bother you. I think it will be very helpful for your son to see a counsellor, whether in the school or outside, who can help him understand his experiences and his response, and learn a more healthy way to respond.
His desire to change the school may vary depending on his experience that day. With the help of a counsellor he will be able to deal with the existing environment and not feel pressured by his peers.
All the best.