Communication is vital - Ask your counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2016]

Dear Madam,
In this fast and competitive world, I am confused about what is good for me. Is it good to choose a career which brings me happiness? Or is it better to choose a career which my elders/relatives/society wants me to do in which they all are happy.
A student

Dear Student,

You have one life to live, and one life to make yourself happy. Your parents and relatives and society have all had their own chances. Ultimately they want you to be happy. It’s just that they think they know the way for you to be happy, or they believe what made them happy will be the same thing that will make you happy. Or, they want to live out their own dreams through you – they weren’t able to achieve what they wanted to in life, so they want you to achieve it, sort of on their behalf.

Remember you are the captain of your ship. It is your responsibility to steer it towards where you want to go, if you are clear of your dream destination. The others are mere cheerleaders.

If they see you reaching your dream destination, ultimately, even if they don’t like it at first, they will eventually cheer you on if they realise the power of your dreams and how happy you are chasing them. All the best.

Dear Madam,
Due to some unknown reason, my grades in college are dropping down day by day. I have completely lost my self-esteem and feel lonely and depressed. Could you suggest what can I do so that I can gain my self-esteem back?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I think it is important for you to be able to understand why your grades are dropping, which is causing to lose your confidence. It will be very helpful for you to seek the help of a counsellor to understand what is going on for you. If you have access to a counsellor please set up time for some sessions with him or her.

If not please reach out for support on the many free counselling helplines that are available just for this purpose. One such is the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline. You can reach out to them on 080-65333323. A counsellor from the centre will be able to provide you with the initial support and an understanding of what’s happening. All the best.

Dear Madam,
Though I am good in studies, my parents have never appreciated me so far; but they appreciate others even those who are not good in studies. They think by doing this they are motivating me but the opposite happens. Please guide me as to how to cope with this problem.
Adithi

Dear Adithi,

I think it is important for you to let your parents know how you feel about what they do and let that start an important conversation which will help you express your feelings and point of view, while at the same time allow you to listen to their perspective. What you are saying is your perception and your reading of what they do. It may not be based on the reality of what they are trying to do. Remember, communication is important. And even more important is communication that allows you to express your feelings.

Remember, all your feelings are valid and important, but it is your responsibility to let the others in your life know about your feelings. Don’t assume that they know, or understand the impact of what they say and do, on you, unless you tell them. All the best

Dear Madam,
I have just completed Class 9 and I am going to Class 10. Everybody around me is talking about the Board exams. I am pressured to do well. Even though it is one year away, I feel very nervous and tense.
I don’t know what to do. How do I ease the tension? I feel if this pressure increases, I will end up failing in the exams even though I have studied well. I am a good student who gets good marks. Please help.
A student

Dear student,

I think you need to communicate with your parents that you are feeling pressured and how the constant conversation about Board exams is stressing you out. Please don’t assume that others understand how you feel and respond to situations and remarks.

If something is not working for you and you are not feeling okay about it, it is your responsibility to yourself to express it and let others know that what they may be thinking is helpful is actually not.

So go ahead – talk about it. And also talk about your anxieties, worries, fears and stressors. You are lucky the people around you care enough about you to worry about your success. Now turn that support to your advantage in a way that helps you, not hurts you. See the silver-lining in having support. Use it and mould it to your advantage.

Dear Madam,
I am in Class 11 and have a boyfriend. We both like each other a lot and have been dating for a few months. However, I’m constantly distracted because of this. I can’t stop thinking about him. Even if I am in class or in a test or at home, I think about meeting him and talking to him. Is this normal? I don’t want to be like this. Please guide.
Neha

Dear Neha,

Boyfriends can be distracting for everyone. But ultimately it is our choice to make them our whole life and the purpose of our existence, or to treat them as an icing on the cake and a nice to have, while you go about the main purpose of your life. Remember that you are a worthy and capable person, and your purpose in life is not just to have a relationship with someone.

You have a larger purpose in life, for yourself and the world at large, and you must respect yourself enough to allow yourself to achieve your full potential. No one is more important than you and you don’t need to make your dreams and aspirations less important than anyone else. Remember, in this journey, having a companion is a bonus.

But the companion cannot become the journey. If you want more help in dealing with this, I suggest you meet a counsellor who will help you understand your emotions and behaviour. All the best.

Work towards happiness - Ask your counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 5, 2016]

Dear Madam,

Is there a cure for procrastination? Whenever I feel like doing something, I put it off for the next day. I feel guilty doing this because I believe I am too lazy at times. What can I do to motivate myself every day? 

Anonymous

Dear procrastinator,

It is great that you are able to recognize the fact that you are a procrastinator. Self-awareness is the first step towards working on any kind of self-growth. It will be helpful for you to understand your reasons for procrastination — are you finding the job unpleasant and therefore don’t have any motivation to do it, are you finding it difficult and overwhelming, are you just disorganized and therefore not being able to get it done, or are you unable to take decisions and therefore need help with your decision-making skills? Or are you a perfectionist who feels that you won’t be able to do the job ‘perfectly’ and so cannot get yourself to doing it?

Some ways to find your own motivation are to break up big and overwhelming tasks into small-sized ‘bites’ that are manageable and increase your chances of achieving them. Often peer pressure works and so, if you inform someone of your goals for the day, the pressure of not having to tell them that you have not achieved it works as a motivation for you to complete the task. Also, try and understand the implications (often negative) of not doing the task. If you find that you are procrastinating because of the unpleasantness of the task, consider the possibility of it not being as unpleasant as you thought it might be, and remember the unpleasant consequences of actually not doing the task.

If you are disorganized and that is the reason behind your procrastination, make a to-do list which forces you to keep tract of even unpleasant and overwhelming tasks. It also helps you prioritize the urgent and important tasks. Besides, having a visual list helps as an important visual reminder, and also helps gain a sense of satisfaction as you tick-off items from the list.

If you are procrastinating because you are a perfectionist, then you must remember that getting something done even with 90% accuracy but on time, is much better than getting it done with 100% accuracy but several weeks late! Quite like getting 90% in an exam, but getting it over with, is far more important than striving for 100% and not appearing for it because you are not sure of getting 100%.

Dear Madam,
I am a young girl who is out to establish a name in the world. Often, I am confused between money and happiness. What should I work towards? Being content in whatever money I have or work to earn more and then be happy? Can’t I do both?
A confused girl

Dear confused girl,

It is often said that the pursuit of happiness is obligatory for human beings. The ultimate objective of everything you do, feel and think is to gain happiness. With that being the ultimate reality, the pursuit of money is not going to make you feel satisfied if it does not bring happiness with it. 

However, gaining happiness will make you feel satisfied even if you don’t have mountains of money. The mere pursuit of money is a tricky business, because no amount of it is ever ‘enough’. Unless you are mindful of it, having ‘enough’ money can turn out to be an ever-moving goal post — an illusory mirage which keeps moving further out. 

So, work towards happiness – which means engaging with something you are good at and passionate about, and the rest will follow. Hope this helps. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a 3rd year medical student in Bengaluru and I took 5 attempts to clear my first year. When I came to my second year, I decided not to commit the same mistake. However, I could not, although I tried my best. As a result, I am experiencing a lot of stress. Kindly guide me to overcome it.
Muthu Maran

Dear Muthu,

Stress is caused not by events, but by our interpretation of events. You may not have cleared your exams, and may have made the same mistakes, but that does not mean that you will never be able to clear your exams, or that you are a failure. It just means that you failed in this attempt and you can make another attempt. Making a mistake, or failing at something, is not a crime. But it is important to learn from one’s mistakes — identify what went wrong, and what you need to change. 

Stress is caused by a feeling of lack of control of the environment. It is important to accept that we cannot control the environment. The only thing we can control is ourselves, our interpretation of events, and how much we allow those events to distress us.

Hope this helps. You could work with a counsellor to help you deal with this aspect in greater depth. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a Civil Services aspirant with good academic records. I am a bit passive and introvert in nature, because of which some of my friends and relatives demotivate me. Does that mean I have to change my career plans and look into different aspects? Kindly let me know as to how I can overcome this and prove them wrong. 
A Civil Services aspirant

Dear Civil Services aspirant,

Being an introvert is not necessarily a weakness. Everyone is different, and everyone’s needs for social engagement are different. Having said that, you need to believe in yourself and your abilities. 

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Recognize your strengths and understand your weaknesses, and believe that you can change and overcome the weaknesses. Civil Services will require you to interact with people, address audiences and deliver talks, and the more you develop this aspect of your personality, the less stressful it will be for you. So don’t change your choices, just choose the weaknesses you want to overcome and go right ahead. All the best.