With exams around the corner, are you being supportive or pressurizing

[The following article written by me was first published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/article/with-exams-around-the-corner-are-you-being-supportive-or-pressurizing/ on February 28, 2016]

Parents and teachers often appear to be as stressed and anxious during exam season, as the students appearing for the exams. And the source of anxiety in their case also boils down to the same point, that exam marks are considered to be an objective and uniform external benchmark of a person’s worth. It’s just that in their case they extend the marks to also be an external assessment of their parenting, or of their teaching. If their child does well in an exam parents take it to mean that they have been successful as parents. If their students do well in the exam, teachers take it to mean that they have been successful as teachers.

Yes, parents and teachers play a huge role in how a child performs during an exam. Children want to meet, and often exceed, expectations that are set by their teachers and parents. However, teachers and parents need to be watchful about how they convey these expectations so as to not be unduly pressurizing, thus becoming an added source of stress for the student. Being mindful about a few things when your children or students are preparing for exams may be helpful at this stage.

Firstly, this is not about you. The exams are not a judgment on your parenting. Neither are they a judgment about your teaching. And even if you consider them to be that, that is not the reason the child needs to perform well. The child needs to perform well because he wants to do well. Not because he wants you to feel that you are a good parent or a good teacher. So if you have anxieties around how your child’s performance will reflect on you as a parent or teacher, please deal with those anxieties in another space (maybe by talking to friends or counselors) and do not pass them on to the children. The children have enough of their own to take care of.

Secondly, this is not a final judgment on the child. It is just one of many milestones children have to cross in their life. Just as in a marathon. In a hundred meter sprint, children just have to make a dash and the ultimate goal is to win. There is no time to look left or right. There is no time to enjoy the view. There is no time to trip and stumble. But life is not like that. Life is a marathon and the goal is to complete it successfully, not necessarily to win it. The goal is to take stock of each milestone as it passes by, to enjoy the view, to overcome obstacles, to keep your spirits high and have the energy to complete the run, all the way to the end. We, as parents and teachers, must believe that ourselves first, and then be sure to pass on that message to those in our watch. If a child stumbles along the way, they will get a chance to recover and come back on track to complete the marathon run, provided we allow them to without killing his spirit and his confidence. What are a few small humps in the marathon run of life?

Thirdly, acknowledge effort, not performance. The only variable in the process of studying for an exam that the child can control is the amount of effort they put in. They can’t control what questions will come, or how their paper will get marked, or whether the person who is marking their paper is having a good day or a bad one; neither can they control how other children will do, or whether the paper will leak or the exam will get rescheduled. The only thing they can control is their effort and you want to ensure they do their best.

Keeping this in mind, what are things we should and should not say to our exam-taking children?

1. “I know you will do well” sets the bar right up there, not allowing for the child to not do well. A more helpful input may be, “Just put in your best effort, that’s all that matters to me.”
2. “I want you to get a 100% in your paper—I know you can do it.” This is often something teachers say to their well-performing students, as a motivator to encourage them. “Just put in your best and that is all you need to do” may be slightly less pressurizing.
3. “This exam is very important. Your life depends on it. This is the only chance you have. What will you do with yourself if you don’t do well in this exam.” This is a completely flawed line of reasoning because there is not only one right path in life, or one chance. Making mistakes and encountering failure result in its own learning and growth. It may be more helpful to say, “It is important to do your best and then see what paths open up for you. There is no one right path. You may have a preferred path, but if you can’t go on that path, there will be alternatives that you can explore. People can make a success even of a second-best or third-best choice, because what you make of any choice depends on you. There is nothing right or wrong about any path.”
4. “If you don’t do well what will your grandparents say,” or “If you don’t do well the Principal will be disappointed in you.” Like I said this is not about you, or others, or society at large. This is about your child being comfortable with their choices and not regretting them later in life. This is about your child believing that they did the best they could to reach their potential, whatever that potential is.

These should give you a general idea about what a helpful vs unhelpful response is. The bottom line is that as parents and teachers we need to acknowledge effort and not performance. We need to make sure our anxieties are not corrupting our line of thinking. And, we need to believe that there is more than one chance in life and more than one definition of success, because there is.

With exams around the corner, are expectations bogging you down?

[The following article written by me first appeared at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/article/with-exams-around-the-corner-are-expectations-bogging-you-down/ on February 28, 2016]

Exam season is here. There’s nothing alarming about that, because it is here every year, at this time of the year. But yet, there is reason to be alarmed, this year, and every year, because of the kind of turmoil it causes, not only amongst the aspiring exam-takers, but also amongst their parents and teachers and uncles and aunts and grandparents, and anyone who is in any way connected to them.

So what is it about exams that make them hold so much power?

It is because exams are used by everybody—society at large, families in particular, and students in specific—as an external, objective, uniform benchmark to evaluate a person’s worth.

Students use it to assess for themselves how good, or bad, they are and how they measure up, and will measure up in the future, against the world. They use it to assess for themselves whether they will be a success or failure in life. If they get good marks in exams they can tell themselves that they will be successful in life, or at least that they have a better chance of it. If they don’t get good marks in exams then they may assume that they will be a failure in life going forward.

The reality though is that marks are not a predictor, or guarantor, or success and failure in life. Firstly, there is no one definition of success. Success and failure are not universal external objective definitions that apply to everyone. Each person must define for themselves what success and failure mean to them. One person’s concept of success may be based on how much money they earn, while another’s concept of success may be based on the number of lives they are able to touch, while a third’s concept may be based on being able to care for the family. To each his own. There is no one definition of success and we must not let anyone give their definition to us.

Secondly, success and failure are terms used to define events in life, not labels for people. It is not that a person is a success or failure, but rather that a person has been successful or not successful at a particular task in their life. It is not something that defines their life in totality, but merely a particular aspect of their life, at a particular point of time. So even if you are successful in an exam it does not mean you become a success in life. And likewise, if you are unsuccessful in an exam it does not mean that you are a failure in life. There are others aspects to you which you must remember in defining and labeling yourself. And it is not a definition, or label, that needs to stick to you for life.

Thirdly, each success and failure needs to be put into the perspective of your whole life. While studying for, and taking an exam, it seems to define your whole life and is the most important event in your life, at that point of time. However, it is important to remember that six months down the line or a year down the line, it will not have the same significance. In fact, it may not have any significance at all. If you are appearing for Board exams, next year at the same time, the marks you got in these exams will not be relevant. Marks may open some doors for you but they don’t guaranteesuccess inside the door. They may get you admission into some colleges, or job interviews in more prestigious companies, but they don’t guarantee that you will be a success in that better college or better job.

Finally, success in life depends on a lot more than marks. You may score 100% in your exam and still not feel successful at work, or in life. In the workplace it depends on your confidence and self-esteem, your ability to communicate, your ability to learn, unlearn and relearn, your ability to be a team player, a leader, a creative problem-solver, a thinker, a doer, among other things. In relationships it depends on being able to connect with people and relate to them, sometimes putting others’ needs ahead of your own. All this depends to a great extent on your belief in yourself and your worth.

This is not to say that you should not worry about your exams and put in your best effort. That you must, because if you do not perform up to your potential, you will feel dissatisfied about it. So put in your best effort. But don’t believe that your life depends on it, because it does not.

Given all of this, how do you deal with expectations—expectations you have of yourself; expectations your parents have of you; expectations your teachers have of you; expectations the world at large has of you? There’s only one way to do it and that is to believe in yourself and your worth—to know that you are worthy, irrespective of your marks in an exam. The marks may be an added bonus.

Often the self-talk we have is negative. It is about how useless and worthless we are. It is about how society will judge us as that. It is about how parents and teachers will be disappointed in us. The reality is that the world may be disappointed in us, but that is their choice and something they have to learn to deal with, if they choose that path. Besides their definition of your success may keep changing over time and you may never get there. That is not something you can control. You must not be disappointed with yourself and that is the important part. Ultimately your parents and teachers want you to be happy, and if you are able to demonstrate to them that you are happy with the choices you make, they will eventually come around. So put in your best effort and do the best you can, but do it for yourself.

Remember, if one door closes, another one will open, provided you allow yourself to look for it. But no door opens without your best effort, so don’t forget that part of your role in this amazing thing called life.

Can you discipline your child without punishing them?

[The following article written by me was first published on the website of the White Swan Foundation at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/can-you-discipline-your-child-without-punishing-them/ ]

As I was thinking about my last article in this series, I got a question from a reader which fit right into what I was planning to cover and sealed the deal for me– the topic of effective disciplining. The reader’s question went like this: If the children are naughty, not interested in studies or of careless character we are bound to punish them by beating them a little or scaring them about their future. Kindly guide us if there is any alternate way of mending problematic children.

I want to start off by clearing a misconception and highlighting the difference between disciplining and punishment. Often parents use these words interchangeably; however, they are fundamentally different in their motivation. The goal of punishment is to penalize a child for past misbehavior. The goal of disciplining, on the other hand, is to shape future behavior. This difference is something we often forget as we try to make the punishment as painful as possible, thinking it is shaping future behavior. When we understand this difference, the premise that punishment needs to be painful gets thrown out of the window.

Since disciplining is about shaping future behavior, we need to be clear about what specific behavior we are trying to modify, and the ideal behavior that we are trying to achieve. We also need to understand and identify what the consequence that will be most effective for your child is. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. What may be effective for one child may be completely ineffective for another. If a child enjoys watching TV, then an effective consequence may be cut down TV-time. However, if a child does not watch TV at all, then clearly that will have no meaning.

The intensity of the physical pain that the consequence causes is of no relevance. Behaviors change when children know the ‘rules’ they are meant to follow, know that if they don’t follow the ‘rules’ they will face a consequence for sure, and know, beforehand what the consequence will be. Learning happens not because of the intensity of pain caused by the consequence, but because of the certainty and frequency of its enforcement. This seems pretty simple and straight-forward. But you will be surprised at how many parents assume their children know what is right and wrong without clearly defining it for them. Then, they enforce a consequence only when they have the energy and time to do it, and just pick a consequence at random depending on their mood.

Children, by definition, test limits of how much they can get away with. Just as adults do. How many times do we jump a red light at the traffic signal just to test if we can get away with it, pretty sure that nine times out of 10, we will not have to face any consequence? If we knew for sure that every time we jumped a red light we would have to pay a fine, then we would not take that chance because the one minute we would save would probably not be worth the fine. Somehow, when it comes to our children, we expect them to comply without knowing the rules, without knowing the consequences, and even without knowing if there will be a consequence at all.

If your child is expected to come home from playing at 7 pm, your child must know that if they don’t come back by 7 pm they will not be allowed to watch TV that evening (as an example of a consequence), and that they will face this consequence 100 per cent of the time. If your child knows that, then he or she may then decide that the extra 5 minutes of play is not worth the trade-off, and over a period of time the behavior will change. However, if your child feels that there is a 75 per cent chance that they will be able to get away with it without any consequence, they will test the limits.

Remember, I said learning happens with the knowledge of the certainty of consequence, and frequency of consequence. So in the above example if the consequence was that your child will not be allowed to watch TV for the following week, then as parents you have lost the chance to enforce a consequence for the rest of the week. This means your child will get only one learning opportunity in the whole week. And also, in all probability, you will get so tired of having to enforce this for a week, that after the second or third day you will give in and send your child down to play on your own.

So for disciplining (and I am saying disciplining - not punishing), there are a few important things parents need to understand.

Firstly, you need to pick your battles carefully. There may be fifty different behaviors you want rectified, but you don’t want your home and life to become a battlefield. So, you must pick the top five behaviors that you absolutely need to address and just stick with those. Often, this means letting go of some of your own hang-ups and irrational expectations from your children.

Secondly, clearly define the limits of acceptable and unacceptable behavior for your child. Define what the consequence will be for crossing the line. Make sure the consequence you pick is something you as a parent are confident of being able to enforce all the time (this is often the most challenging part).

Thirdly, make sure the consequence is enforced every time the line is crossed. Finally, remember that the limits that are defined and set have to be in the context of the child’s age and must be age appropriate. As children grow older, limits may need to be revised, and defining the limits will need to be more about having a conversation and negotiation around those limits as opposed to dictating what is acceptable.

Lastly, to the parent who sent me the query I would like to say that there are no ‘problematic’ children, there are only ‘problematic’ behaviors –these can be addressed by effective disciplining, not painful punishment.

Keep Faith in Yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A Column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of February 11, 2016]

Dear Madam,

I am studying in IX in Bengaluru. I have many problems in my studies. I am not able to concentrate on my studies and I do not know the reason. One more problem is that I want to become a fashion designer. I am very passionate about it. I am not able to decide what subjects I should opt for in 11th. I cannot opt for arts as no one in my family will let me study arts because they tell me that arts is not at all useful. Kindly guide me on this aspect. And please let me know how I can improve my concentration.

Pooja K
Dear Pooja,

When you are in the 9th, the subjects you are going to do in the 11th standard is not something you need to decide right now. As far as I know you need to decide your subjects only in the middle of your 10th standard. At this point of time, what subjects you eventually choose does not have any bearing on what you do right now, because for now you have to do all subjects, and attempt to do all subjects as well as you can. So don’t create an additional hurdle in your mind that is not allowing you to proceed because you don’t know what to do in the 11th. The two are not related right now. 

Also, even if you want to pursue fashion designing as a career, you can do so with whatever subject you choose in the 11th. It is important for you to remember that your career choices may change as you grow older, and they often do. Most people don’t have a firm choice as early as 9th standard. So it is always safer to make subject choices which keep your options open so that you have the possibility of choosing a different path.

As for your concentration, you need to understand what thoughts are causing you to get distracted. It is often helpful to do some deep breathing when you are distracted, and bring you focus back. I would need to understand what is distracting you in more detail to be able to help you. Maybe you can call the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323 to talk to a counsellor who can help you with this. All the best.

Dear Madam

I am presently studying 2nd year BE. In the first year, I have scored FCD (first class with distinction). However, I feel that my interest towards studying is decreasing and I sometimes feel that I may fail. I don’t know why this is so. During the exam time, I feel more sleepy and I can’t even read for two hours continuously.  I tried studying by sitting in the library but couldn’t and I can’t see myself lagging behind. Can you suggest ways to help me?

Potential engineer
Dear potential engineer,

I hear you say two things – the first is that you are scared of failure. This fear is what is potentially holding you back from being able to perform at your best and put in your best effort. The second thing I hear you saying is that you can’t see yourself lagging behind. In some ways the two things are linked, but there are some differences.
I urge you to read this article on the subject of failure: 

http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html 

We need to learn to view failure, not as something to be dreaded, but as something which helps us understand our limits and learn from the experience. Failure is never a person but an event. So if you fail in an exam, it does not mean that you have failed, all it means is that you have failed at an exam. There may be several other things that you will succeed at. Instead of viewing failure as a final blow, we have to learn to take it in its stride, because some amount of failure in life is inevitable and the sooner we learn to deal with it, the better.

The second issue about not being able to see yourself lagging behind is also related to the same concept. You need to build your sense of self-worth based not only on your academic performance but on other qualities of your personality as well. I think it will be helpful for you to get the help of a counsellor to help you deal with these too aspects, because these are easy to understand if you spend the time to do it, but if you don’t they have the potential to derail you from your path. 

You don’t need to be successful at everything you do, even though that may be a preferred choice. You need to focus on completing the marathon that is life, not on winning every sprint. All the best.