Strive for progress, not perfection - ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald education supplement of June 18, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing engineering but I am not satisfied with it. It has always been my dream to write fantasy books for children but I am not sure if my parents would approve of it and hence, haven’t told them about it. It seems like every adult is counting on me to grow up and solve problems of the world when I am comfortable with imaginative writing. What do you 
suggest I do?
AJ 

Dear AJ,
If you are not sure about your parents approving your plan, then why are you presuming that they will not approve, and why don’t you go ahead and discuss it with them. Also, by conversation, you may be able to find a path that works for everyone. Lots of people will put the burden of their expectations on you. It is for you to accept the burden or not. You have to live up to your own expectations of yourself, and do what you feel will give you more satisfaction. It should preferably be a field that you have an interest in, that you are good at, and that society puts a value to, because eventually for you to feel worthy and make a living, what you do must be valued enough to allow you to make a living. When your parents influence you towards a particular career choice, they are only concerned about your being able to make a reasonable living and have a reasonable life. If you can convince them of being able to do that with your preferred choice, they will probably be more than okay with you following your dreams. It may be worthwhile for you to evaluate your dreams against these parameters and see how they hold up.

Dear Madam,
Girls in my college don’t find me attractive, and I think the reason is because I am fat. Since I was seven years old, I have been on the healthier side, which didn’t worry me until now. I am quite intelligent and have lots of friends but not the kind I would like. What should I do?
A student

Dear student,
I am assuming that you are a boy and are at the age when you are looking for romantic friendships. I may be completely wrong in these assumptions, but in the absence of any more information from you, I guess I will have to go with that. I am not sure what you are worried about. If you are intelligent and have friends, that is what is important. I don’t think you would want someone to like you just because of your physical looks. I am sure you would rather the girls liked you for your company, intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, creativity, and other such foundational qualities, than your physical appearance which is quite transitory. Chubbiness does not define you as bad, just like skinniness does not define you as good. These are attributes that you can change, should you choose to. But my question to you is this, do you want to change just to become more attractive to some girl, or do you believe in yourself, and your worth, and accept the fact that a discerning enough girl, who can value you for the right reasons, just has not come along yet, but will eventually. Like yourself, and others will follow! Good luck.

Dear Madam,
I am currently pursuing my second year of engineering and I get hurt when I see people breeze through life while I slog away for minimum results. It takes a lot of time and work for me to reach average results. I feel bad for myself when I see people living a wonderful life, getting top academic marks, having perfect relationships, enjoying their lives. Could you tell me how to manage my life?
PM

Dear PM
No one’s internal struggles are visible to another. We go around feeling that we are the only one’s struggling while everyone has a perfect life. The reality is not so. Everyone has struggles, and each one’s struggles are unique. And even if they are not struggling with anything right now, it does not mean they never will. That is the cycle of life. There are ups, and there are downs, and they keep changing.
Having said that I would like to point you to the work of Carol Dweck. You may want to read up about it on the internet. Carol Dweck found that intelligence is not in-built and fixed. With effort, it can be acquired and increased. So all the hard-work that you put in is never wasted. It adds to you and your body of knowledge, skill and capability. Different people have different strengths and ability, and some people may be better than you at some things, but you may be better than others at other things. You can compare yourself to those who seem to be ahead and better than you and feel frustrated and jealous, or you can compare yourself to those who are less fortunate than you and feel a sense of gratitude. It’s your choice. While it is beneficial to look at those ahead to remember where you have to go and stay on track, it is also helpful not to lose sight of those behind you and feel grateful. All the best

Dear Madam,
I am currently studying biotechnology. My friend who is studying the same course with me seems to have lost his way. He keeps complaining about his lack of interest in the course and the regret of having taking up on his parents’ word. I have always been giving him advice but it seems like he does not take it into account. Even after telling him that interest can be fostered, he refuses to change his way of thinking. Kindly suggest on what I could do to help him out. I do not want to see him holding himself back anymore as this is our second year and I really want to score good grades with him. 
CK

Dear CK
Your concern for your friend’s success is very touching and I am glad you wrote in asking what you should do. I think the best advice you can give your friend is to ask him to see a counsellor to help him sort out his confusions in a safe space without the fear of judgment. Sometimes, we feel we know what is best for the other person, but in pushing them towards the path that we feel is best, we may not be allowing them to understand themselves and their situation. 

Maybe your friend has some fears, anxieties or apprehensions which he is unable to talk to you about, or even unable to understand for himself. If you have access to a counsellor in your college, that is great. If not recommend that he either sees a counsellor face-to-face or calls in to the Parivarthan Counselling Helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, which is a free helpline for young adults to connect with a counsellor. All the best.

Are you passing on your anxieties and fears to your children?

[http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/experts-speak-details/are-you-passing-on-your-anxieties-and-fears-to-your-children/

There are two types of anxieties and fears that I want to dissect and explore in this column. The first are those that we grow up with, and are not able to overcome in adulthood and parenthood. And the second are those around our children and their future.

For the first, I don’t really need to look very far. Let me begin with my own anxiety around dogs. I know exactly where it came from. My father was terrified of dogs. While he had his own justification for the fear, and could narrate countless incidents due to which he did not like dogs, I developed that fear almost by default, through a process of osmosis. I never really gave it much thought. For me, it seemed quite the natural way of being. The only time it bothered me was when I wanted to visit a friend who had a dog. But she would put the dog in another room when I visited and that would settle that! My fear was only a minor irritant, not a show stopper, so life went on fairly peacefully.

And then I became a parent. Did I want to pass on my fear of dogs to my daughter? No, not really. So every time we visited someone who had a dog, I would put on a brave front and wear a straight face while every muscle in my body was taut. I would tentatively encourage my daughter to pet the dog, while never mustering up the courage to do it myself. The fact that my husband did not have the same fear was helpful because he could bring about an air of genuineness to that interaction, while I could not. Finally, my daughter was at ease. Not only was she comfortable around dogs, she also loved them and wanted one of her own. In one stroke of bravado I agreed, thinking that that would settle the discussion, and we could move on without actually doing anything about it. But she persisted and three years later, after I had exhausted every excuse in the book, we were on our way to pick up Cinnamon, our now five-year-old Beagle. I silently cried on the way home that day, as I feared what the future had in store for me. Would I ever be at ease in my home again?

But that’s history. I am now a dog-lover who coos over every cute dog that comes my way, and every cute doggie picture that crosses my eyes. Would I have rather not had a dog! No way! I am rather proud of this transition of mine from dog-fearer to dog-lover; and of not passing on my dog-related anxieties to my daughter. However, it need not have ended this way. Had I not been aware of my own fears and anxieties, and not had a desire to overcome them, my children may have feared dogs as much as I did – if not more!

The second type of anxiety I talked about is our anxiety around our children’s future. What will become of them if they don’t study hard? What will happen if they fail in the test? What will happen if they don’t finish their homework or project in time? What will happen if they don’t get into a good college? What kind of job will they get if they don’t get into the best engineering college in the country? It is a competitive world after all.

How will they manage in the world if they don’t learn how to struggle? How will they build relationships if they are so selfish? What will the world say about me and my parenting if my child does not end up with a respectable job/career/profession? What will happen if my child falls into bad company? What will happen to my child after I am gone? What will happen if my child falls sick? What will happen if…

So many anxieties, and each one of them natural and justified. Being anxious is half the story of parenting. We need to just be mindful about not making it the whole story.

Is our anxiety about our child’s future preventing us from being with our child in the present? Do we avoid playing with them because we need to push them to spend all their time studying and doing homework, because they need to get into the best college ten years down the line (which of course we cannot control)? Do we avoid spending time with them because we need to ensure that we have a big enough bank balance to secure the future (which again we can’t control)? Do we avoid connecting with them now because we are so distracted by our anxieties about the future, that we can’t waste time being with them in the present? We need to somehow control that future. Somehow.

To me it appears that the best way to do that, ironically, is not to try and control the environment, which of course we cannot, no matter how hard we try. But, instead, to try and secure our relationship with our child.

We should try to deal with our anxieties outside of the parent-child relationship. Recognize them, understand them, and consciously set them aside either by talking to a counsellor or a trusted friend. And then learn to be with your child in the present, in the moment, mindfully and whole-heartedly. Give your children a relationship they can count on, and feel secure enough to come back to in case of a failure. Just that knowledge will give them the strength, confidence and courage to march on ahead, full-steam – pushing their boundaries and achieving their potential in an area of their choice.

And I repeat, I said a relationship they can count on, not a bank balance!