It's your life - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 26. 2015]

Dear Madam,
I graduated in 2013 (BBM/BBA) and have worked as an accountant for two years. Currently, I am pursuing SAP (FICO). My average score was 45 per cent. Due to my low score, I haven’t got the opportunity to face an interview. What do I do to boost my opportunities and confidence?
Potential employee

Dear potential employee,
I want you to remember that success in the workplace has nothing to do with the marks in your exams. The marks may sometimes open some doors of opportunity for you, but they cannot ensure your success. Success in the workplace depends more on other softer skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your ‘can do’ attitude, you willingness to ‘learn’, your ability to think out of the box, your creativity and problem-solving skills, your ability to work in a team, and your ability to take on leadership roles, among other things. 

So, your marks may not have as much of a role to play as how and what you communicate in the actual interview itself. Your marks are not a reflection of your capability or ability, they are only an objective measure of how well you knew the answer to some questions that you were asked. 

So, don’t let the fact that you did not get ‘good enough’ marks stop you, or block you. You need to believe in yourself, and your ability. You need to know your strengths, and from that gain strength about how you feel about yourself. Also, you need to know your weaknesses and accept those that you don’t want to change, and change those that you would like to change. And this understanding of who you really are will give you the belief in yourself to carry on. I have written extensively on this topic in this column in the past as well. You could also read my article See a lion in the mirror on my blog - www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html

Dear Madam, 
I am currently in first year of PUC (PCMC). My SSLC score is 73 per cent. Since my relatives have scored 90 per cent and above in their exams, my parents expect the same from me. Due to the huge amount of pressure, I can’t focus on my studies anymore. I aspire to take up engineering. Kindly help me out.
A student

Dear student, 
Remember, your motivation to do well must come from within because you want to do well, not because you need to keep your parents happy. At the end of the day, you should be able to tell yourself that you put in your best effort, irrespective of what marks you get. Because if you don’t do that you will feel bad about having let an opportunity go by, and you will look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see. You must give it your best shot, because you want to, and because you want to prove yourself to yourself – not to your parents or your cousins or other relatives. 

This is about your life, and about your feeling satisfied with what you have done. It is about not short-changing yourself; it is about achieving your potential, not striving to reach someone else’s benchmarks. Give it your best shot and don’t focus on the marks. 
Focus on putting in an honest effort that will give you a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. If the marks follow, that’s a bonus. If not, there will be several opportunities that will come your way if you are willing to work to your potential. Marks just open some doors, they don’t guarantee success. Your short-term goal may be to get into a good engineering college, but your long-term goal should logically be to become a good engineer (which may have nothing to do with which college you go to). All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in Class 12 (commerce). I don’t have much aptitude for CA. To pursue MBA in finance, would it be good to do BBM or BCom? Also, I follow astrology. So, should I go by my stars or should I believe in my abilities? 
Solanki

Dear Solanki,
I am not a career counsellor, and certainly not an expert on which course you should do, but I do know that there is no substitute for believing in yourself, and unleashing the power within you to help you achieve your potential. However, that sometimes seems like a scary option because it involves, then, taking responsibility for our decisions and actions. Believing in astrology gives us an escape route which allows us to blame our stars if things do not work out.

Dear Madam,
I have appeared for my first PU exams and I believe my score will be below 80 per cent. Till date, I haven’t felt the need to attend any tuition classes but the thought of entrance exams after II PU frighten me. Also, whenever my parents try to advise me about my performances, I lose my temper and fight. Due to this, I have lost interest in studies. Kindly suggest some measures to help me control my temper and regain my interest in studies.
CK 

Dear CK,
If you are trying to understand your anger, remember that anger is a secondary emotion. You don’t just get angry. You get angry, because some other primary emotion is not being expressed and need is not being fulfilled. For instance, you may be feeling scared and anxious about the future, worried about your performance, apprehensive about your ability to succeed, nervous about your exams, and so on. But none of these emotions are 
expressed, they keep simmering inside you till you cannot hold them any longer, and then they burst out on your parents, whenever they say something that may increase them. Quite like a volcano. You can read more about this in my article at www.personalorbitchange.blogspot.in/search?q=get+a+grip+on+anger.

The important thing then, is not to ‘control’ your temper but to recognise its underlying primary emotions, and learn how to express the in a way that is helpful to you, and not hurtful to the others around you. For this, you many need the help of a trusted adult, or a counsellor. You could also try calling the free Parivarthan Counselling helpline at 080-65333323080-65333323, where you can speak to a trained counsellor who may be able to help you work through your anger. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I fancy this boy in my college. He’s really popular and I am a shy person. I am sure that if I say anything to him, his friends will know about it and I would be embarrassed. Can you suggest a way, wherein I could drop in a hint but not give the game away?
Nina

Dear Nina,
You say that you are really shy, and that is what I am going to address. What is your worst fear which is making you shy? What do you fear will happen if you were to speak to him? It is often important to name the fear, and understand it in greater detail. Very often, in that process you may realize that the importance you are attaching to it may indeed be misplaced, in which case it may lose its sting and not be so fearful anymore.

So to repeat my question, what do you imagine would be the worst thing that could happen if you were to speak to him. You mention that his friends may come to know and that would be embarrassing. Something is embarrassing only if you are doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘improper’ and it gets discovered. Liking a person of the opposite sex is not ‘wrong’ or ‘improper’ or a crime. It is quite a normal thing for someone of your age.

So, have confidence in yourself, and take a risk. After all nothing in life is gained without taking a risk. And if you need some help to boost up your confidence before you take the risk then call the free counselling helpline that I have mentioned in the previous question and speak to a counsellor who may assist you work through your fears and anxieties around this issue.

Building Blocks - Are your frustrations affecting your child's mental health - www.whiteswanfoundation.org

[This piece by me was originally published at http://www.whiteswanfoundation.org/understanding-mental-health/experts-speak-details/are-your-frustrations-affecting-your-childs-mental-health/]

In my introductory piece, I had promised to explore the link between parenting and mental health, so here’s my take on the possible impact of a parent’s frustrations on a child’s mental health.

An adolescent child (in Standard 6) was sent to me by her teacher because of poor academic performance. The teacher felt she was very distracted and unable to focus and, having spoken to the parents a few times, she thought there may be more to the child’s problems than met the eye. So this young girl came to meet me and fortunately we were able to connect quite quickly.

 On a little bit of probing, this young girl showed me some scars on her legs. Those were scars from her mother using a hot iron rod on her. I was unsettled. No matter how experienced you are as a counsellor, some situations still have the power to leave you numb. This was one such. Being a mother, with a daughter of almost a similar age, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. 

This needed a lot of work. I was preparing myself for the long-haul. I decided to meet the parents to understand the complete picture, or at least however much they would share with me. What could possibly compel a mother inflict such pain on her child?

After some persistent calling, the parents finally came. I learnt that the parents were both working full time. When the child’s academic performance started dropping, and she was assessed for a learning disability, the school called the parents and informed them of the need for more personalized attention. The school also started putting subtle pressure on the mother to pay more attention to the child. The mother, frustrated, gave up her full time job to attend to the child.

What were her frustrations? They were not only about having to give up her job for the sake of the child, but also around gender equations (why does the mother have to compromise on career and not the father?); self-esteem (having the external validation that a job could provide, and parenting could not); dissatisfaction with her marital relationship (why did the husband pressurize her to leave? Why does he not give her the validation she needs?); and anger at her parents/in-laws (why couldn’t they come and attend to her child?) 

So much baggage! And there was probably more, but we could only get that far in our short time together since she didn’t come back after the first session.

And who was bearing the brunt of this baggage? An unsuspecting 13-year-old child who couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why her mother hated her so much, when all her friends’ mothers seemed to adore their children. This child lived in fear of not knowing when her mother would lash out at her; she lived in pain – emotional and physical. And having been conditioned not to wash the family’s dirty linen in public, had no one to talk to and lighten her burden. She thought she was a curse to the family and that she was not good enough. It is no mystery, at least not to me, about why the child was so distracted in school.

I never met her after the first couple of sessions, because the parents chose to change her school. They did not come back, either for individual sessions or for family sessions which I was pushing hard for. After all, the school was the problem, not them!

Several questions remained with me, some of which I will raise here. 

How would the situation have changed had the mother chosen to confront her own issues by recognizing them, accepting them and addressing them? I don’t for a moment grudge the mother her frustrations. Of course, they are valid. But if she had chosen to address them, she may not have been driven to pour them out onto her child. And the first step towards addressing them is recognizing them, acknowledging them, accepting them and then understanding what’s going on.

What has been the long-term impact of this dumping of personal frustration on the child’s mental health and wellbeing? While I have no data, I can only speculate. She may grow into an adult with very low self-esteem which will impact her future relationships, both on the personal and professional front. She may not be able to trust other relationships in her life. She may not achieve her potential because she will not have the safety net that is so essential to be able to step out of her comfort zone. She may become an overly anxious adult. And worse still, she may perpetuate the cycle of dumping her own frustrations on her children – having not known or experienced any other form of parenting herself.

For all you know, the mother was just perpetuating her own experience of growing up, as well.The sooner we recognize the pattern, and break the cycle, the sooner we can reclaim the wellbeing of our children. In the interest of our children’s mental health, let’s grab the reins and take the task of confronting our frustrations into our own hands. If not for ourselves, at least for our children. It’s not that we should not feel frustrated, or that it is wrong to feel that way. Getting frustrated by various situations is normal and natural. But just being mindful of that frustration and what it is leading us to do, will help us rein it in when needed.

The example I have given may seem a bit extreme, and we may tend to think that it does not relate to our situation, and therefore, we don’t need to pay attention to it. Yes, it is extreme, and the reason it stayed with me is precisely because of that. But sometimes to pay heed to something we need an ‘extreme’ reminder. The frustrations could come in much milder forms as well – a single mother trying to cope with the recent loss of her husband, having to bring up two adolescent children and hold herself together all the time; a mother having to focus equally on all of her five children while the father is away in another country; a step mother needing to prove her worth in her marital relationship by ensuring her step-child does well in academics; a stay-at-home mother fearing the loss of control and the loss of the purpose of her existence as her last child prepares to flee the coop. It could be anything, just anything. 

Frustrations come in many forms – we need to recognize them, accept them, and own them as ours. Let’s spare our children from them.

Pursue your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column,  answered by me, was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of March 5, 2015]

Dear Madam,
I passionate about music and aspire to make a career in it. But since my parents weren't supportive of this, I joined an engineering course. But my focus in engineering is getting diverted due to my music classes. Consequently, my results are suffering. I am under a lot of stress. Kindly help me out. Prateek M

Dear Prateek,
I think it is important for you to be able to pursue your passion, if you truly believe in it. But you must be able to convince yourself, and those around you, that is truly what you would like to do. Build out a plan on how you are going to pursue your music, and how you are going to build a sustainable livelihood based on it. In the process of this plan, you may realize that building a livelihood on music is not practical, in which case you must have a Plan B. Or you may realize that it is possible to have a steady source of income based on music, in which case you must share that plan with your parents to put their fears to rest. After all, your parents are concerned for your well-being and their anxieties and pressure stems from a genuine desire to ensure you have a secure future. 

If you can share a detailed plan with them on how music will let you do that, while at the same time allowing you to follow your passion, they will be more than happy. It is possible that at the present moment they see it only as a distraction from your studies and are therefore, concerned about where you are headed. So, to reduce your own stress, and allay the fears of your parents, you must flesh out the plan of a life based on music and see where it takes you. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am in the second year of my computer science engineering course. My communication skills are weak and I don’t have the confidence to talk to someone in English. Even during classes, I hesitate to clear my doubts because of this. How can I improve my communication skills? Ray

Dear Ray,
I understand that you are scared to ask any question in class because you are not confident about your English speaking skills. Ask yourself what is your worst fear around this? What is the worst thing that you think may happen if you were to ask something in class, and your English was less than perfect. Remember, no one is perfect and no one gets things right every time. The only way to learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. You did not learn to walk without ever falling down. But now that you have learnt to walk, aren't you thankful for the fact that you took the risk of falling while learning. In the same way, take the risk of making a mistake while speaking, because confidence only comes with knowledge and practice. And to aid you in the process, try speaking English whenever you are with people you are comfortable with (like your friends and family). Make speaking English your mantra – each time, every time. You could also join a class to help you get some confidence. Force yourself to read English newspapers, magazines and books. Listen to the English news and other programmes on television as well. But there is no short-cut to speaking. So take the risk and speak. After all what is the worst that can happen? Nothing more than a couple of inconsequential laughs which will soon be forgotten. 

Are you going to let the fear of some inconsequential person laughing at you for a moment, hold you back in life from achieving your potential? Think about it. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am 21 years old. I have a backlog in my final year B.Sc course (physics, mathematics and electronics), which I will clear this year, in June. My dad wants me to do B.Ed (a teachers’ training course), which I am not interested in. So, I have decided to work, earn some money and later pursue courses of my choice. But my dad isn't comfortable with me working night shifts or anywhere outside Bengaluru. So, what kind of a job should I look for? Chaithra N

Dear Chaithra,
I am not a career counsellor, nor do I run a placement service, so I will not be able to tell you what kind of job to apply for and how to go about it. Nor can I tell you how to continue your studies further. However, I do believe you should do what you heart tells you to, and what you are good at. Even though you may not think so, it is possible to communicate with parents and discuss your options, understand their point of view and explain your own. You are allowed to have a point of view, and express it, though sometimes as children we are told that we need to only follow what are parents say. 

So, my suggestion would be to understand why your parents want you to do what they want you to do. Then understand for yourself, why you do not want to do that, and why you think the path you are choosing is better. Then understand your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and limitations ahead of you. In this self analysis, things will become clearer to you about what path will work. Try and take up a job that leverages on your strengths and is of interest to you. It is not about searching for a job. It is about building a career. A job is a short-term goal. A career will stay with you for life. All the best.

Dear Madam,
I currently in my final semester of mechanical engineering. I am quite good at studies and have no backlogs and have an overall distinction CGPA. In about two months, I will graduate and I haven’t appeared for any campus interviews as most of them are for software companies and I wish to work in a core mechanical company. But my real passion lies in boxing. I have been boxing since I was 18-years-old. I don’t have any personal coach but I am pretty good at this sport and wish to make my mark as a boxer. But not many opportunities have come my way in this field. So, should I look for a mechanical engineering job or follow my passion? Are there any options where I could do both? Adithya Kashyap

Dear Adithya,
I am not someone who can guide you on opportunities that are available in boxing because I do not have any knowledge in that field. However, it is important that you be able to build for yourself a sustainable livelihood with whatever field you choose. If you can visualize that with boxing, by all means go for it. However, if you cannot, then it may be in your interest to pursue it as a hobby. Maybe you can ensure your linkages with the sport in a way that helps build the environment for it for coming generations. Maybe you can work with a company that will give you the opportunity to also build on your passion. Maybe you can become a coach yourself. 

You must visualize your life as a boxer and see what you like about it and dislike about it. Visualize your life as an engineer and do the same. Talk to people who are already in both the fields and see what they have to say about it. Identify your strengths and weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Define what success means to you and see if which career path will align you better with your definition of success. Career choices are personal and best made after some serious self-analysis and introspection. And take whatever help you need in this process. All the best.