Define Your Success - Ask our counsellor Q&A colum

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplemt of November 28, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Engineering (EC) III semester now. When I was in 2nd PUC I was good in studies. I secured 90% in PUC. But when I entered Engineering my life totally changed. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. When I sit down to study I start thinking of something other than studies. I don't know what has happened to me. I have lost all hope in my life that I’ll score good marks in my upcoming exams. In my class I had a friend. We both were good friends when we were in 2nd semester but now I don't know what has happened to him. He is not speaking with me properly. Because of that I am so distracted.  I am trying to forget everything about 2nd semester, but am not able to come out of that. Switching on to my career part, I even thought of ending my life. I am totally frustrated with my life. Earlier I wasn't like this. I was very happy in my life, I used to laugh and enjoy life. But now I am totally different. I want to be as I was before. Please help me. I don't want to see my life getting ruined like this.
Neha

Dear Neha,
I understand that you are feeling totally lost and distracted because of the loss of friendship that you had with one boy in your class. Your academics is suffering, you are giving up on life, and you even considered suicide. Neha, can anyone be more important to you than yourself? Yes, only if you do not consider yourself important. You must have seen this quote in many places, “Don’t make someone else a priority in life, when you are only an option in theirs.” No one will be a constant companion in your life for you other than yourself. People will come into your life for some time and move on. The only person who will be with you all your life, is YOU.

So, honour yourself. And recognise your own worth. Try and understand why that person was so important to you that you are willing to lose yourself in his memory. What need was he fulfilling for you? Think about how you can fulfill that need in some other way? If you are not able to answer these questions for yourself, I suggest you seek the help of a counsellor who will help you work things out in a way that will make you feel stronger and more worthy and less dependent on other people.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am a regular reader of counselling column in DH Education. I wish the same helps me too.  I am a 2013 fresher in ECE branch with 56% aggregate. I have done courses in AutoCAD and OrCAD. I am interested in doing a job in the field I have studied. Due to my percentage I find none. My parents want me to do a course in Java, which I don't want to do, but have agreed since I really want to work and it is my last resort to get a job. 

In case I don't find a job through that too, I intend to do Masters. But again, I am confused to choose between MBA and M Tech. Though I have no idea about MBA, my instincts suggest me to go ahead with the same. If I decide to do MBA, what are the admission criteria? Which branch is easy? Which one has more scope? Which are the top colleges for it? What job will I end up with if I do an MBA?
I am tired of hearing sarcastic remarks from parents about being jobless. Seeing my cousins fare well in life is making me miserable. I avoid people and my employed friends since they pity me. I know I have made a mistake by taking Engineering lightly and I don't want to make the same mistake in life, again. Please guide me.
A Student

Dear Student,
I understand your confusion on what you should do next and how you should go about doing something that will eventually get you a job. I am, however, not a career counsellor, and will not be able to give you any inputs on that aspect. However, what concerned me, was the last paragraph of your email. I am responding to you purely about that.

I hear you say that because you have not been able to find a job, you are feeling worthless; so much so that now you do not even like to meet any of your family and friends because you don't have a job. You are feeling embarrassed about it and shying away. You are also feeling jealous or envious of your cousins who are all doing well. Maybe, that is also putting some pressure on you. You regret not having focussed enough on your studies till now, and are looking for ways to set right, or restrict the damage done.

Here, I want to remind you about a few things:
* Success in life does not depend only on your marks in exams. In fact, marks can’t do anything more than open a few doors for you. Success in life depends mostly on other factors like self-confidence, communication skills, ability to work with others, ability to lead a team, creativity, problem-solving skills, ability to think out of the box, etc. Marks do not even figure as a factor. Not having marks does not mean that you cannot be successful.
* You need to arrive at your own definition of success, not accept a definition that has been thrust upon you by your parents, or friends, or other significant people. So take some time to define your own idea of success.
* Your current goal seems to be getting a job. Unfortunately, merely getting a job should not be the goal. Getting a job can merely be a stepping stone towards an ultimate larger goal. After all, you  want a job that will be fulfilling and that will help you go closer towards your definition of success.
* To aid you in this process you must have a clear understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses, so that you can gain strength from your strengths, and you can accept yourself with all your weaknesses. You could choose to overcome some of those weaknesses, and you can choose to live with some of the others. To aid you in this process, it  may be helpful for you to take the help of a counsellor, or some other trusted adult. Your goal should be to help you define and accept yourself, and then go forward in the world with confidence and a 'can do' attitude.