Define your failures - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 15, 2013]
 
Dear Madam,

I am pursuing engineering in computer science and engineering. I always wanted to become a software engineer. I was supposed to be in 6th semester now but got detained in 5 subjects. I have cleared 4 subjects and have 1 remaining subject which I'll clear. I was a very good student and I'm good, but after I got detained I'm loosing my confidence. I want to get a distinction in the remaining semester and get into some good companies. I want to ask you whether I will I get a good job after getting detained.

A student

Dear Student

You may have failed in a few exams but you are not a failure. Remember failure is always an event, not a person. Failure is a learning opportunity - an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow from that learning. Failure is not the end of the road. There is life after a failure. It is a mere bump or speed breaker, and once you cross it you can zip down the path of life again. So don’t let your failure define you. You define what the failure will mean to you.

If you are able to position the failure as something that gave you essential life lessons which you have learned, then no one will define you in terms of that failure. How you position your failure is your choice. It is up to you, and it is within your control.

Good luck

Dear Madam

I am a 25 year old mechanical engineer. I completed my engineering this year with lots of supplementary exams. I managed to clear all the subjects. Now my score is only 56%. I almost took 6 years to complete engineering. My friends say that I should take up a job and start working. I don’t think any company will take me with this score. I wanted to write the UPSC exam, but every one says I cannot do it. I really want to show them I can. I am ready to study day and night leaving aside all sorts of materialistic life. Please guide me whether my decision is right or wrong. My 10th score is 69% and PUC 2nd yr is only 45%. If there are any exams which can tell me what I’m really good at please tell me.

A student

Dear student,

You could meet with a career counselor who would help you arrive at career options and paths that would match your interests and aptitude. However, I am sure you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. However do it for the right reasons. If you want to appear for the UPSC examination, by all means go ahead. The fact that you have struggled with exams in the past is no guarantee that you will struggle in the future as well. The subjects for UPSC exams will be different from those of your engineering. But do the exam because you want to do it, not because you want to prove yourself to everyone else who said you can’t do it. The only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself. So if you want to take the exam, go ahead and give it your best shot.

As for having no ambition left, visualize your life when you have a goal that you are working towards. And, then visualize one in which you are aimless, goal-less and passion-less. The difference will be so stark that making your choice will not be difficult.

Remember, your life is in your control. You can choose to be its master and make it work for you; or you can choose to be its slave and let it drag you along wherever it wants.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class X and shall be completing the same this year. I hope to secure above 90% of marks as I have done well in the previous years. I want to study arts in future, not because I do not like Science but because I like Social studies. Many people say that there is no scope for arts now. But I want to pursue a career in law. Moreover, I learn both music and dance. I am learning Sanskrit too. I have got 96% in my exams. I am confused, since my parents do not want me to do law. Please help me. 

Mahima Harish

Dear Mahima

You seem to be in a secure place with respect to your marks and seem to have the privilege of having many options open to you because of that. I am glad you are choosing subjects based on what you like, and your interests. You can make a career in whichever field you want the difference between being good at it and being great at it, however, will depend on the passion you bring to the field. That’s why doing what you like is important. Try and understand why your parents don’t want you to do law, and why you do want to do it. It will be helpful to talk to them and understand their reservations, and your own motivations. Arrive at a decision after you have gained this understanding. They may have reasons you cannot understand at this age, and you may have a passion they were not aware of. Communication is the key. And, if after this, there is still a difference of opinion, I feel it is important to do what your heart lies in.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of 2nd PU (Science) studying in a reputed college. In the 1st year, I was good at studies. But after entering 2nd year I am loosing my concentration from the studies. As this is an important year of my life I want to do something but its just not happening. Please guide me in doing well for 2nd PU also.
Radhika N

Dear Radhika

You did not tell me anything about what is happening to you, and in your life, because of which you are losing concentration. We most often lose confidence because we are tensed or stressed, or because we are distracted by something else that is more interesting and occupying our mind. What do you think about when you are trying to study? What is occupying your mind? Is it worry and anxiety about doing well, or some other life event; or is it someone, or something, that is keeping you busy. Are you scared of failure, and are you thinking that this is the final chance in your life to prove yourself and therefore you are feeling stressed about this being the defining year of your life? Unless you tell me what  it is I won’t be able to help you deal with it. Maybe you should think about it yourself and then talk about it to someone who can help you.
You could read more about dealing with issues like this on my blog at personalorbitchange.blogspot.com . Maybe you will find your answer there.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class IX in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I can’t zero in on what I should pursue next. I am inclined towards engineering, literature and also law. I am very keen to go abroad on a scholarship basis. But I cannot decide which  course to take next. My parents are slightly pressurising me or in other words: my dad expects too much from me. Please help me.

A student

Dear Student

I think you should probably go in for some career counselling to help you match your interests and abilities with current opportunities available. It is important to choose a career which helps you achieve your potential and which you enjoy and are passionate about.

As for your parents’ expectations of you, all parents have expectations of their children. However, it is your responsibility to communicate to them how much is too much. Parents always want their children to achieve their potential. They feel that unless they communicate this, their children will slacken. If you are feeling pressured then you need to communicate this to them so that they can understand the effect it is having on you. Remember, your parents are on your side, cheering you on. They are not on the opposite side of the fence. You are not in this alone. They are there to help you. But receiving that help and encouragement is up to you.

All the best

Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.