Focus on your dreams - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 19, 2013] 

Dear Madam,

I am a professor (PhD in Pharmacy) and my husband is an engineer (Mechanical). My son is doing Engineering from a reputed college but he is not doing well. He has already lost two years and is still in the first year. He was not good at studies while in school also and he got only 50% for PUC. We put him to Engineering thinking that somehow he will manage. But he has become disinterested in studies now and says he wants to go for modeling and enter film industry. He is good looking and tall. So he is getting the confidence as all his friends say he can become a hero. Since I am in the education field since 25 years, I feel bad about him dropping studies. What do you suggest? Because of this I have health issues also. Please advice.
A concerned mother

Dear Mom,

As parents, we have to learn to let children live their dreams, not ours. We have to be able to separate our issues and concerns from those of our children. We have to be able to address our anxieties and disappointments for ourselves, and not pass them onto our children. Ultimately all parents want their children to be happy and do well, but the mistake we make is we feel that the path we suggest/know/want is the only way to be happy and do well.

We have to learn to watch while our children make mistakes, and then recover from the process, in their journey towards their goals and dreams.

I understand that you are an educationist and both you and your husband are well educated. You would have liked the same for your child, because that is the only proven way for you towards success and happiness. However, if you are able to separate your life’s journey from his, you will let him embark on his journey with confidence. His desired journey is not ‘wrong’ - it is just different from the one you would have chosen either for yourself, or for him.

Also it would be helpful to remember that his choice of goals and paths is not a measure of whether you have been a ‘good enough’ or ‘successful’ parent, or not. Often we are concerned about what society will say about me as a parent if my child chooses this path. Society will only reflect back to you, what you feel about it. If you are comfortable with it, you will not allow what anyone says to impact you.

Ultimately being in a career in which he is not interested, or not able to do well, for whatever reasons, is not the path to happiness for anyone. Do you want him to blame you for his lack of success in his career all his life, or do you want him to take ownership and responsibility for his life and do what he believes will make him happy?

We have to accept that our children, whom we love with all our heart, may make choices that are different from ones we would have made, and that they may even fail in some of those choices, but that is their journey of life, which will teach them lessons along the way. We must just remember to still love them as best we can.

Dear Madam,

I am a second PUC Science student. I had no dreams till Class X, but suddenly there was a lot of pressure on me about studies by my family as they wanted me to work hard. From Class V to IX, I was just a lazy boy - I did not complete my notes,and was a dull student in my class. As time passed by, all my family members began to make fun of me. They used to say I was useless and wanted me to work in garages, so I was very upset. From then onwards I started studying. For SSLC, I just studied for four months and was able to score 68%. All my family members were shocked to hear that I had passed SSLC with 68%. My father himself had doubts about it. That night, I sat and thought about whether to opt for Science or Commerce. I decided on Science and worked hard day and night. I work a lot but am unable to score well. Now I am in the second year. Now there is another problem about the entrance exams this year - It will be ISEET. I take coaching from a reputed lecturer in my city. I am interested in Physics, for which I scored 89% in the first year annual examination. There is a relative of mine who finished his B.Sc in Nautical Science and today he is a captain who earns Rs 14 lakhs per month. But I am a backbencher.

Abdul

Dear Abdul,
I notice from your letter that despite what others around you say about you, if you set your mind to do something, you do it. Even though you did not do academically well till Class IX, because you did not focus on it and were ‘lazy’, once you decided to work you did so well that people around you were surprised by the results. You need to focused on doing what you like to do, and putting in your best effort to achieve what you want to achieve. This is not about what others want of you, or what others say about you - this is about you, your dreams, your life, and what you want to make of it. Don’t let others’ judgements of you define you. Do an honest assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses, your dreams, the opportunities available to you, and the threats that may stop you. By going through this process, get to know yourself better, and let that define you.

Labels that are given to us in childhood by adults around us, have a nasty way of sticking to us and appearing to be the truth. We often carry that baggage along for the rest of our life, unless we become aware of it and consciously choose to discard it.

Dear Madam,

I and my wife are worried about the academic performance of our 11-year-old only son, who studies in Class VI. Either of us are always with him when he sits to study. Besides coaching, encouraging and motivating him, we help him in all aspects of his home work, but his marks graph has been going downward for the last three years. As far as we understand, he attempts all the questions during exam but makes a lot of spelling mistakes resulting in loss of marks for every mistake. In the end, he is awarded less mark for that particular question or no marks at all. Overall he ends up with less grades in each UT/Term exam.

His study pattern is thus: reading the particular chapter of the text book which is being taught in the class during evening or morning hours, identifying hard words and writing them over and over again for two to three days, undertaking dictation for whichever words he can’t write properly, and practicing those for another two days. He reads repeatedly till he memorizes all the answers, meanings, fill in the blanks etc., and answers them orally.

But this method is not helping. We bought online maths tuition for only maths to help him but did not have much success. Can you suggest a better way for him to do well in his studies? One observation we made all these years is, while reading text, many a time, he reads words which are not there in the text at all ( For example, adding ‘s’ where it is not given). He does this even though words are familiar to him and he knows how to read them. He wears spectacles with 3.5 power. We take him for regular checkup in April every year and replace spectacles as prescribed. He was born in the seventh month of pregnancy. Is that determining his studies? Please help. Except in studies, he is very active and mingles with friends, browses computer, uses mobile, in fact tells us some times things we don’t know.

Chandramohan

Dear Chandramohan,

When I read your letter I can sense your anxiety around your child’s academic performance, and I would urge you to get some help to deal with that anxiety first, otherwise you will project that anxiety onto your child in all your interactions and that is not going to help the situation. Address your fears around the matter and see what is driving that anxiety. Take the help of a counsellor in doing this, if possible.

Secondly, please recognize that your child is more than just his academic achievements or lack of academic achievements. He will have other strength areas which you must discover, nurture, cherish and value. He may have weaknesses as well, but that is normal and so do all of us. We need to be able to recognize them and work around them. I do not know enough about your child’s academic abilities, but if you have concerns on that score, you could get him tested to see if he needs any special assistance in certain areas.

Thirdly, I am not sure how much time you insist him to study when he comes back home. It should not be more than an hour or so a day at this level. You need to be able to transfer responsibility to him, and get him motivated to work on his own, without your constant monitoring and assistance. Maybe if you let go a little, he may be able to take more ownership for his work, and feel more of a sense of satisfaction in doing it.

Fourthly, please focus on effort, not on marks. Ultimately he needs to put in his best effort to perform at his optimum level of capability (which may be different from other children, and may not get reflected in marks). Also, please focus on his understanding the material and what he is doing, not on memorizing things he does not understand. That is a very short-term view of studying. Let learning and rewarding effort be the goal, not the memorizing and rewarding marks.

Define Your Success - Ask our counsellor Q&A colum

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplemt of November 28, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Engineering (EC) III semester now. When I was in 2nd PUC I was good in studies. I secured 90% in PUC. But when I entered Engineering my life totally changed. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. When I sit down to study I start thinking of something other than studies. I don't know what has happened to me. I have lost all hope in my life that I’ll score good marks in my upcoming exams. In my class I had a friend. We both were good friends when we were in 2nd semester but now I don't know what has happened to him. He is not speaking with me properly. Because of that I am so distracted.  I am trying to forget everything about 2nd semester, but am not able to come out of that. Switching on to my career part, I even thought of ending my life. I am totally frustrated with my life. Earlier I wasn't like this. I was very happy in my life, I used to laugh and enjoy life. But now I am totally different. I want to be as I was before. Please help me. I don't want to see my life getting ruined like this.
Neha

Dear Neha,
I understand that you are feeling totally lost and distracted because of the loss of friendship that you had with one boy in your class. Your academics is suffering, you are giving up on life, and you even considered suicide. Neha, can anyone be more important to you than yourself? Yes, only if you do not consider yourself important. You must have seen this quote in many places, “Don’t make someone else a priority in life, when you are only an option in theirs.” No one will be a constant companion in your life for you other than yourself. People will come into your life for some time and move on. The only person who will be with you all your life, is YOU.

So, honour yourself. And recognise your own worth. Try and understand why that person was so important to you that you are willing to lose yourself in his memory. What need was he fulfilling for you? Think about how you can fulfill that need in some other way? If you are not able to answer these questions for yourself, I suggest you seek the help of a counsellor who will help you work things out in a way that will make you feel stronger and more worthy and less dependent on other people.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am a regular reader of counselling column in DH Education. I wish the same helps me too.  I am a 2013 fresher in ECE branch with 56% aggregate. I have done courses in AutoCAD and OrCAD. I am interested in doing a job in the field I have studied. Due to my percentage I find none. My parents want me to do a course in Java, which I don't want to do, but have agreed since I really want to work and it is my last resort to get a job. 

In case I don't find a job through that too, I intend to do Masters. But again, I am confused to choose between MBA and M Tech. Though I have no idea about MBA, my instincts suggest me to go ahead with the same. If I decide to do MBA, what are the admission criteria? Which branch is easy? Which one has more scope? Which are the top colleges for it? What job will I end up with if I do an MBA?
I am tired of hearing sarcastic remarks from parents about being jobless. Seeing my cousins fare well in life is making me miserable. I avoid people and my employed friends since they pity me. I know I have made a mistake by taking Engineering lightly and I don't want to make the same mistake in life, again. Please guide me.
A Student

Dear Student,
I understand your confusion on what you should do next and how you should go about doing something that will eventually get you a job. I am, however, not a career counsellor, and will not be able to give you any inputs on that aspect. However, what concerned me, was the last paragraph of your email. I am responding to you purely about that.

I hear you say that because you have not been able to find a job, you are feeling worthless; so much so that now you do not even like to meet any of your family and friends because you don't have a job. You are feeling embarrassed about it and shying away. You are also feeling jealous or envious of your cousins who are all doing well. Maybe, that is also putting some pressure on you. You regret not having focussed enough on your studies till now, and are looking for ways to set right, or restrict the damage done.

Here, I want to remind you about a few things:
* Success in life does not depend only on your marks in exams. In fact, marks can’t do anything more than open a few doors for you. Success in life depends mostly on other factors like self-confidence, communication skills, ability to work with others, ability to lead a team, creativity, problem-solving skills, ability to think out of the box, etc. Marks do not even figure as a factor. Not having marks does not mean that you cannot be successful.
* You need to arrive at your own definition of success, not accept a definition that has been thrust upon you by your parents, or friends, or other significant people. So take some time to define your own idea of success.
* Your current goal seems to be getting a job. Unfortunately, merely getting a job should not be the goal. Getting a job can merely be a stepping stone towards an ultimate larger goal. After all, you  want a job that will be fulfilling and that will help you go closer towards your definition of success.
* To aid you in this process you must have a clear understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses, so that you can gain strength from your strengths, and you can accept yourself with all your weaknesses. You could choose to overcome some of those weaknesses, and you can choose to live with some of the others. To aid you in this process, it  may be helpful for you to take the help of a counsellor, or some other trusted adult. Your goal should be to help you define and accept yourself, and then go forward in the world with confidence and a 'can do' attitude.

Demystifying exam anxiety

[The following article by me appeared in the November 14. 2013 issue of Deccan Herald]

Most students feel anxious about upcoming exams. They loose confidence, feel incapable, get headaches, feel isolated, and scared of what it holds for them. Several worries weigh them down. It would be useful to demystify exam-related anxiety; break it down into its components so that students understand what they are going through, and tackle it head-on.

Everyone experiences some anxiety related to exams. A little bit can be helpful and make you mentally alert for the challenge. However, excessive fear makes it hard to concentrate and makes you struggle to recall things. Exam-related anxiety is a psychological condition in which people experience extreme anticipatory, situational or evaluation anxiety in testing situations. Like everything else, it has a physiological, behavioral, cognitive and emotional component.

Physiological symptoms

The severity of exam-related anxiety can vary from having mere "butterflies" in your stomach to difficulty in concentrating. Some might experience a racing heartbeat, shakiness, a feeling of fear or may simply blank out. Others may feel nauseous, short of breath, or have a full-blown panic attack. Other symptoms include headaches, stomach aches, diarrhea, excessive sweating, light-headedness and dry mouth.

The physiological symptoms can be many, and you may not always be willing to acknowledge that those symptoms have anything to do with your anxiety. 25-40% of all students experience some form of exam-related anxiety, which has a consistently negative relationship with performance. Exam-anxious students perform about 12 percent below their non-anxious peers.

Faulty cognitions

At the root of all anxiety is fear which threatens your security and stability. While fear is designed to warn you of real danger, it’s only sometimes that the danger is indeed real! Inferior performance arises not because of intellectual problems or poor preparation, but because anxiety of testing situations disrupts attention and memory functioning.

Unhelpful thought processes catastrophise potential outcomes, and result in a fear of failure, feelings of inadequacy, self-condemnation, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations and perfectionist tendencies, seeing the marks as an ultimate goal, instead of merely a stepping stone to a larger goal.

If your conversation with yourself is as follows, you could have a faulty belief system which causes your anxiety. “If I don’t do well in the exams…

…I’ll be a failure.”

…my parents will be disappointed with me.”

…my friends won’t like me; my teachers will think I’m dumb.”

…I’ll let my teachers down.”

…I won’t be good enough. I can’t make a mistake. I always have to do well and be right.”
Parents are often a source of pressure, especially when they place more emphasis on marks than on the effort being made. This results in greater worry, irrelevant thoughts, and a strong fear of failure. Anxiety may also be because you think you may confirm a negative stereotype about your entire social group. Or you may be too concerned about the positive or negative labeling by others.

Exam-related anxiety results in several different emotions, ranging from depression, anger, and hopelessness, lack of confidence, inadequacy, demotivation, fear, and low self-esteem. The low self-esteem makes you equate your worth to the marks you get.

Behavioural manifestations

You get easily distracted; you experience difficulty with comprehending relatively simple instructions, and have trouble organizing or recalling relevant information. You tend to procrastinate and be disorganized about your time and work, and have inadequate study and test-taking skills.


Restructure your thoughts
Restructuring one’s thoughts is the most important component of tackling exam-related anxiety. It is critical to change your attitude and think positively.

Use strategies to personalise your success for yourself and visualise what success looks like for you. Use self-talks to concretise it. Write about it in a journal. Do whatever it takes to make it concrete in your mind.

* Engage in thought-stopping Every time you start going down the spiral of negative thoughts, hold yourself. Snap a rubber-band on your wrist, pinch yourself, or do something that will snap you out of it. As you anticipate the exam, think positively; for example, "I can do well in this exam. I have studied and know my stuff."

* Do not overplay the importance of your marks. They’re not a measure of your worth, nor a guarantor of your future success.

Avoid thinking of yourself in an ‘all or nothing’ way – either as a total success, or as a complete failure. Give yourself positive acknowledgement for what you’ve done, and for doing your best.

* Name your fear, concretise it, and then do not think about it. Instead keep on the task, step by step. Expect some anxiety. It gives you the energy to do your best. Just keep it manageable.

Remember that anxiety can become a ‘habit’. Most people think anxiety is something happening to them rather than something they are creating.  Take responsibility for investing in anxiety-provoking thoughts and reactions, and allowing negative projections to control you. This is not easy but it is doable.

* Remember, failure is always an event, never a person. Your parents may be disappointed with your performance, but they will still love you.

Your friends like you for who you are, not for your marks. And, if they like you only for your marks, they are not friends worth having. Your teachers may think you’re dumb, but that doesn’t make it the reality.

Your marks are your business. If anything, you let yourself down, not anyone else. Making a mistake isn’t a crime. You can make a mistake sometimes. That gives you an opportunity to learn.

Behavioural strategies

* Focus on your study skills. Put in your best effort. Being well prepared helps minimise your rational anxiety. Do not fall into the trap of last minute cramming. Take a step-by-step approach and do not get overwhelmed.

Break-up each major task into smaller goals; acknowledge yourself on achieving each goal. Manage your time – don’t procrastinate; minimise distractions; organise your material so you have everything you need when you need it; make and stick to a schedule; include self-testing; use mind maps and aids to memory; review previous tests and learn from past mistakes.

* Do not neglect your basic biological, emotional, and social needs. Think of yourself as a total person – not just a test taker. Adopt a healthy lifestyle; eat nutritious food, get enough sleep, do enough exercise, get personal downtime, have social interaction, and practice relaxation regularly.

Follow a moderate study pace, and vary your work and take breaks. Once you feel you are adequately prepared, relax. Avoid speaking with peers who express negativity. Organise yourself the night before and get enough sleep otherwise you won’t be able to function optimally.

On exam day

* Eat a healthy meal; take a healthy snack.
* Get to the exam in good time, allowing time for things that need to be done.
* Don’t talk to others before the exam if that increases your anxiety.
* When papers are distributed, calm yourself by taking slow deep breaths.
* Read instructions carefully; budget your time.
* If the exam is more difficult than you anticipated, focus on doing your best. It might be enough to get you through with a reasonable grade. If you go blank, skip the question.
* Focus only on that exam, not on what others are doing or on thinking about past exams or future goals. Don't panic when students start handing in their papers – there’s no reward for finishing first.
* If you’re anxious during the exam, calm yourself. Use relaxation techniques -stretch your arms and legs and relax them a few times. Take slow deep breaths. Do some positive internal self-talk. Remember you’re in control.

When the exam is over, treat yourself. If you don't have other commitments, take the night off.

If you have other exams, postpone a larger break, but a brief break may be just the "pick up" you need.

Also, review what worked, and build on those strategies, no matter how small they may be. They’re building blocks to your success. List what didn’t work well, and don’t follow those methods again. Celebrate that you’re on the road to overcoming your exam-related anxiety.

Visualise Your Dreams - Ask Your Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of November 7, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I'm studying 2nd PUC (science-PCMC). I was a bright student when I was in my primary school and was able to achieve more than 90% in my exams. But as the days passed i.e. in my high school, my performance dropped and I got 82 percent in my CBSE exam. Friends was not a problem at all. All were toppers in my group except me. Later on this became even more worse and I got 61% in my first PUC and I truly feel my performance is decreasing even more this year. To be honest, I had good concentration in the beginning but as I cleared my high school and PUC my concentration and interest towards studies kept decreasing every year. I'm very worried about this. When I sit to study, I get the feeling of doing something in life but that momentum is only there for about half an hour. I get distracted very easily. I think "I will do it after sometime" and ultimately the day passes. That leads to studying the whole lesson a day before the exams which I don't want to happen. I really want to get out of this mess. I really want to prove myself. My parents have great hopes on me and they encourage me pretty well. Their words pump me up for the day but that is gone as the day passes. And by the way, I go to tutorials. I find organic chemistry and physics numericals tough; the other subjects are pretty manageable. I take more time than an average student to study. I don't have any problems with languages or with computer science.

I think time management, concentration, determination and hard work have been a major concern for me. I think if I mend my ways, I’ll be on my track but I don’t know how to. I have a very busy schedule on all the days and barely get time to study. I get a day off on Thursday from my tutorials and I'm free for half a day on Sunday. On the rest of the days, I approximately get 5 hours of leisure and the day is very tiring. I think I'm cheating myself and indirectly my parents. I say things but do not implement them. I have the right amount of confidence but don't know how to overcome my problems. Any suggestion on this would be helpful. I intend to do civil engineering in the future.

Thanks   
G.N. SAI SWAROOP

Dear Sai Swaroop

I think you need to spend sometime identifying your passion and your dreams. You say you want to do civil engineering. That, by itself, cannot be your end goal. Studying civil engineering can only be a means to an end. What do you want to do in life, for which you view civil engineering as a stepping stone? What is that future that you dream of? Visualize it. Concretize it as much as possible. Then break it down into smaller achievable goals. Maybe you don’t see your current work as being a stepping stone towards that ultimate goal. You need to be able to understand for yourself how this fits into your own long-term goals. That will help you find your motivation.

There is no substitute for hard-work, diligence, and putting in your best effort. Sometimes we are unable to find the motivation for this because the goals and dreams we are pursuing are not our own, but those of our parents or friends or other people in our lives. You say you want to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. And, remember, the benefits of your hard work and diligence will also come to none other than yourself.

Also, identify the source of your distraction and inability to concentrate. Is it fear of failure, or anxiety about the outcome? Is it some distracting event or person? Is it your inability to comprehend and understand the subject? Is it peer pressure?

Maybe you should start a system of rewarding yourself every time you are able to pull back from being distracted and stay focussed and on track. Such things often help in behavior change over time.

The good thing is that you are aware that your current behavior is not helpful and you want to change it. Getting to that point is often the biggest hurdle. Once you are there I am sure you will find your own ways of overcoming it.

All the best


Dear Ma’am

I am a student of class IX CBSE in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Around 6 months ago I shifted from Tamil Nadu to Karnataka. Here I am not satisfied with anything. The only thing I feel is disappointment. I used to score above 95%, now I hardly score over 85%. My interest over studies is mostly disappeared. I am always distracted. Apart from studies I used to play over 2 hrs daily but here I lack such facilities (playground). I simply waste my thinking of my peer group, my school, my best times and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I even cry for hours together. I just feel I won’t survive this competition. Please direct me to a better future.

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are really struggling to adapt to the changes in a new environment. You are missing your old school and old friends. You are missing the fact that academically you used to do really well there. You are missing the fact that you had an opportunity to play there and you don’t have that here. Change is hard for everyone, but some change in life is inevitable. If you learn to embrace change you would have learnt an invaluable life lesson, because the only thing constant in life is that things will change. You will you remember your ‘good times’ in Chennai, remember them with a fondness and nostalgia and tell yourself it is now time for you to move on to different things - different opportunities, different friends, different places. The reason you are finding it hard is because you are resisting change and viewing it as something bad. Instead embrace it and view it as an opening of new doors for you. You will be amazed at the difference your ‘thinking’ will make to your ‘feeling’ about the change. In life, when one door closes, another one always opens. Sometimes, you just need to look a little harder for it.

So embrace change and let the doors open for you.

All the best


Dear Madam,

I am a correspondence MBA student. I am also working in a firm. From my school days I have been a very silent person. I want to talk to everyone & mingle with them, but cannot. I do talk individually with each person, but do not talk when I am within a group of people or in a team at my office. I do not know whether it is an inferiority complex or low confidence. I also feel that people ignore to talk to me & do not recognize me at all. Please help me to overcome this problem.

Thanks,

Dear....

Firstly, I get a sense from your letter that in your mind being a ‘silent’ person is somehow not okay, or a sign of inferiority. That is absolutely not the case and if you are comfortable with your silence it is not a problem at all. It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Some are just more quiet than the others.

Having said that, if you are feeling that you are not comfortable with the fact that you are silent in a group, and you feel it is because of a sense of inferiority or insecurity on your part, then I suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. This will help you identify and overcome the fears that are holding you back. It will also help you build your self esteem. People tend to reflect back to you what you feel about yourself. If you feel inferior, you will feel that people are treating you in a way that shows you are in deed inferior. Counselling can help you address that very effectively. So take the first step to helping yourself along this journey. You owe it to yourself.

All the best


Dear Madam

I am a student of class 10. Previously I was interested in opting for Science after 10th but now I am much more interested in opting for Arts. My parents are not happy with my decision as all of my cousins had taken Science. They have told me that I need to tell them what I am going to do in my life as they don’t think if there is any future in arts. I don’t know much about streams which I can opt for after my PU as I had been researching about engineering. I want to go for film making and choreography. I like to study about human behavior too. I also dream of becoming a politician one day but I don’t want to tell that to my parents as they hate politics and feel that one needs to be corrupt to become one. I would first like to become a professional filmmaker and choreographer. I request you to tell me what I can take for these two so that I can give my parents a clear reply and the stream I should take for pursuing higher studies in political science in later life.

A student.

Dear Student

Unfortunately I am not a career counsellor and have no capability to guide you about what courses you should take. I think you would benefit from getting some career counselling to help you match your interests, abilities and strengths to career options. Since you have a wide range of options in front of you, you may do well to get some formal guidance about it.

I agree that you should take subjects that you are interested in, not just those that your parents tell you to take or those that your cousins took. However, it may serve you well to visualize your end career goal, and then choose your subjects merely as a stepping stone towards achieving that goal.

Your parents are right in being concerned about what you want to do. However, you should not take this ‘you’ vs. ‘them’ approach. Try and engage them in the process of helping you choose your career path, and therefore your subjects. Ultimately they want what is best for you, and the more clarity you have about your path the more comfortable they will feel with your choices.

All the best.

Setting patterns right - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of October 17, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a first year medical student awaiting my results. I have done badly and am afraid of failing but this isn't my only problem. I believe I have many problems that are affecting my overall personality and general well being. I have issues with self confidence leading to constant underachievement.  People around me believe in me and are more confident of me than I myself am.

I was sent to a simple school by my parents. The school did not provide anything to encourage students and my parents didn't also spend a lot of money. The school had twenty students in class X, so there wasn't much exposure and around the board exams all my teachers were confident of me and expected me to get 95% but I never aimed very high. I always have the problem of mixing with people of wrong group - A group that says it doesn't matter how many marks you get, "the lazy group". I never really worked hard. I ended with 89%. My teachers were disappointed but I felt it was OK. Things got worse in Class XII. Again I mixed with the wrong group, wasted time and again studied only on the day of my exam. I still managed to score 80%.

My biggest problems are lack of self confidence, motivation and focus. I always tend to mess up in the exams that really matter. I do well in all my internals but mess up the board paper. This has been going on since Class X. There hasn't been a single paper I have written with self confidence and the right frame of mind. I still did well and managed to score 700th rank in KCET but again the underachievement problem and that of messing up when it actually matters crept up. I went to a coaching center for the two years of PUC.

In Class XI, I was given a certificate for getting the best marks but with the same group of students in Class XII, in the exam that actually mattered, I messed up -The reason being my under-confidence. I solved all the Physics problems but didn't shade them in the OMR sheet as I was not sure (people usually double check, I check four times and I am still not confident or at least I think so). Just then I realized that there were only five minutes left and I couldn't shade in all the answers and got 700th rank when people expected much more from me. Please help.

Also if I fail to clear a paper in the first attempt in MBBS, what is the procedure for my re-exam and will this affect my PG chances or the PG entrance exam, please explain. 

Thank you.

Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,

I am happy that you are self-reflecting and are able to identify some patterns in your life that are repeating themselves to your disadvantage. That is half the battle won, because awareness of harmful patterns is the most difficult step. Once you are aware of them you will be able to change them if you set your mind to it. I think it would really help you to go in for some face-to-face counseling sessions, if you have access to a counselor. There is only so much that can be written about your concerns in this column.

I don’t have answers to your questions about the medical college examination system. However, I would like to ask you what would have happened if you had only double-checked your answers and allowed some mistakes to creep in? What were you afraid off? Sometimes perfectionism comes at a price that is too high and not worth the lost opportunity. Why do you doubt yourself and behave in self-sabotaging ways? What is your perception of yourself, and is it this self-perception that you are trying to live-down to by not putting in your best effort? How did you get this ‘not so high’ self-perception? Are you anxious and stressed about the exams that ‘really matter’ that hold you back from performing to your potential in them? These are questions you must reflect on with the help of a counselor, or another trusted adult, so that you can change the patterns that are blocking your success.

Good Luck!

Dear Madam,

My son Faazil, aged 10 years, is studying in Class V in a good school in RT Nagar. He is an above average student who scored 75% in Class IV. In June he had an attack of Typhoid and was irregular to school for sometime. After that he refused to go to school. He says that his teacher beats him.

Any amount of cajoling and forcing has not helped. Till date he has not attended school and refuses to go. My younger son also is studying in the same school and he has no problem with the teachers. Please advise and help us in solving this problem and to continue my son's schooling.

Amina Talath

Dear Amina,

I think you should seek the help of a counselor to understand what is bothering your son. Sometimes the reasons are not apparent to parents, either because we do not listen or because we do not want to listen to what is being said. Or sometimes children are too scared to tell us what is really bothering them, for the fear of consequences they may face. It is important to get the help of an impartial and safe third party who can help you here. Please do this at the earliest. Please realize that both your children are two separate individuals and just because one does not have a problem does not mean that the other should not have a problem. Obviously something is bothering him.

It could be fear of failure after having missed so many classes, loss of friends in the mean time or some inappropriate behavior by either the children or the adults in the school. If he says his teacher is beating him you need to investigate that further and not just brush it off. That is a very legitimate reason for him not to want to go, and you would need to support him to deal with it.

All the best

Dear Madam

My daughter is average in studies but otherwise intelligent. She joined BE (CS) last year. In the 2nd semester she couldn't clear 5 subjects, hence was laid back. With permission she attended classes for the 3rd semester after applying for revaluation. Still she could not sail through. For a long time she has been interested in interior designing courses.

Meanwhile we made her attend a memory enhancement course, which she enjoyed. She even took a further advanced course in the same. Now she is not interested in continuing with her degree. Instead she wants to join a course in Interior Designing. Now that the admission process is almost over and classes have lapsed for more than 2 months, we are in a dilemma that she will lose one academic year.

A mother

Dear Mother,

I think your daughter is the one who should be driving this decision. Ultimately it is her career and her life and she needs to take charge of it. She needs to understand the pros and cons of both her paths - continuing with her degree and moving to interior designing. Clearly if a person is ‘allowed’ to make a career out of something they are passionate about, life is more enjoyable and less of a drag. If one has to spend a whole day working in a field one does not enjoy, the pleasure of working gets taken away and it merely becomes a means to making ends meet.

Also you need to be able to put the loss of one academic year in the perspective of one’s whole life. One year now (which need not be lost but can be used to enhance other soft and life skills) vs a life time of doing something one does not enjoy. As in any investment, often it is better to cut your losses and move on, rather than being stuck with a dead investment. The same holds true for life.

Identify your strengths - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of September 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am a student of class X studying in a residential school. I feel that I am turning out to be inferior. In my previous classes, I was bold enough to face the public in competitions or other activities. However, now I hesitate to open up my ideas. I even hesitate to speak out certain correct things in front of my teachers. This has led me to develop an inferiority complex. Nowadays my voice shivers, whenever I speak to the public in certain competitions. Most of my classmates tease me whenever my voice shivers. I feel ashamed. So please help me.Yashaswini 
Dear Yashaswini,

I understand that you are feeling you are not good enough and are faced with self-doubt and this is stopping you from expressing your opinion, either in class or on stage. You also think your friends are teasing you because of this. I want you to make an attempt at understanding what your fear is. What in your opinion is the worst thing that could happen if you did express your opinion, or if you did falter while speaking on stage? Once you are able to name your fear you will be able to address it.

Also, you must understand all your strengths and recognize your weaknesses. Those friends who laugh at you also have their weaknesses. They are not perfect, and neither are you. Why don’t you let them know how you feel when they laugh at you? Being open about your feelings gives you strength to face situations. For instance, if you are nervous before a speech on stage, and you go up on the podium and in the first line or two mention about how making this speech is a very scary experience for you, you will find that you don’t then need to ‘pretend’ to be ‘brave’. You will understand that it is okay and normal to be scared, and one can overcome it.

But more than anything else, I want you to believe in yourself. Write down a list of all your strengths, and acknowledge them to yourself. Then make a list of your weaknesses, understand that everyone has weaknesses, see which ones you want to overcome and which ones you are comfortable living with. And then go ahead and overcome them. In this process take the help of a trusted adult you can work with. Better still work with a counselor.

All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am a Class IX CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I have changed the section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was the topper in my previous classes. After changing the section, I am feeling I can't cope up because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section and I feel inferior amongst them. I want to gain my confidence back.

A student

Dear student,

The important thing is not to try to be the topper all the time, but to perform to the best of your ability and to put in your best effort to achieve your potential. Being the topper among a class of mediocre students does not help you achieve your potential in life as much as being amongst a group of bright students who are all striving to achieve their best. This kind of positive peer pressure helps you reduce the gap between your performance and your potential because it forces you to push yourself. Don’t view this as a failure because you are not topping now. Instead, view it as an opportunity that is allowing you to push yourself to succeed. Because ultimately success in life will not come because you topped in your 9th grade, or 10th grade, but because you learnt the important life lesson of pushing yourself and putting in your best effort. Success is not about getting the highest marks in any given group.

Success is about driving yourself to do the best you can. It is about doing better than you did the last time, not necessarily about doing better than everyone else. Use yourself as a benchmark, and let the class drive you to your potential. The moment you shift the benchmark of performance from the rest of the class, to yourself and your previous performance, your focus will change. The marks you get only make a point to others, which is not important. Your effort makes a point to yourself, which is the only thing that matters.

Don’t base your confidence on what others are getting. Don’t view others’ marks as a deterrent - instead view them as a driver and a motivator that will narrow the gap between your performance and your effort.

Hope this helps. All the best

Dear Ma’am,

I am Likitha of class 12. I am an average student (70%) but in 10th I got good marks (90%). I had a wonderful set of friends, but I changed my college even though I didn’t want to, because of my parents’ pressure. In the new college also I made friends but they are not so close like my old friends. And here I don’t know why I have lost interest in studies. Before, at least I used to open my books but now even if I do so, after sometime I feel sleepy, or else I loose interest and close my books. I plan to study each day, but I keep thinking I will do it after some time and the day will be gone. With my own interest I took PCMB. I wanted to become a doctor. I know it is not so easy but seeing my marks I have lost confidence. My mom wanted me to take commerce and now she scolds me saying, “If you can’t, why did you take science?” There are only a few months left for my board exams. I am scared about my future. Please help me.

Likitha
Dear Likitha,

I notice that you are already speaking in past tense about your desire to become a doctor, as though it is something that is already not possible. I urge you not to give up your dreams so easily. But make sure it is something you want to do, and not something you are pursuing only to prove yourself to your parents (or anyone else). I also notice that you are labelling yourself as ‘average’ and are surprised by your performance in the 10th. Labels are very dangerous and we tend to live up to the labels we give ourselves. If you consider yourself as ‘average’ you will tend to fulfill that label for yourself. So take a few minutes to identify your strengths, and recognize your uniqueness and special abilities and qualities. You may have average capability in some areas but that does not make you ‘average’ as a person.

Each group of friends has a unique chemistry and energy. It cannot be replaced by another group in exactly the same way as no two groups will be alike. The new group will never be exactly like the old, but will have its own energy and positives.

You say you are scared about your future. What is your worst fear? I feel that this fear is overwhelming you and you are losing your motivation to study. Name your fears. When you name them, they are not as scary any more and often you realize that some of them may not even be rational. You need to find your own motivation to study. And this motivation has to come from you, not from your parents pushing you. After all, who will be the biggest beneficiary of your hard work?

All the best

Learn from failures - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following colum written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement of September 5, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I completed my Class X in 2007 with 78%, and my 12th in 2011 with 49%. I had failed two times in 12th. I joined in an engineering college taking electronics and communication. Now I am in the second year. I had 78% of marks in the first year of the degree, but have failed in the second year now. I feel my life to be ruined and have lost confidence in myself. My parents too have lost confidence in me. I do not know what to do in life. I have lost three precious years of my life. If I complete my BE course too, I will not get a good job. I am very confused.
Kaushik

Dear Kaushik
I understand that you are struggling to complete your engineering degree and are losing confidence, not only in your ability to complete the course, but also to be able to get a job. You are worried that you have lost 3 years of life. Success lies in being able to bounce back from a low period. You can choose to say you have wasted three years of your life, and so there is no point, your whole life is a waste. Or you can choose to say that I have wasted three years, but that is only a mere 3-4% of my life. Let me see what I can learn from these failures so that I don’t waste the rest. If you are able to take away some valuable life lessons from this experience, it will not have been a wasted three years.
You need to be able to look at having a successful career, not just at getting the next job. A successful career does not depend on the marks in your exams, but on your other strengths, your confidence, your communication skills, your self esteem, your ability to work in a team, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your creativity, etc. So my suggestion is that first go ahead and identify your strengths (and I am sure you will have some, even though right now it may not seem like that). Think about what kind of career will help you leverage your strengths. Focus on developing some of those strengths. And, if in the process of this introspection, you discover that you would rather be following a different path, don’t be afraid of change. Three years is just that, three years. It is not a life time and you need to be able to put it in perspective. The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that it is your whole life, and  everything is lost.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and have taken up Science. When I was in Class X, I did not know what to opt for as a career, as I was not able to judge what I was good at. I am an average student. Therefore, I opted for science so that I can choose anything later. I wanted to pursue journalism as my career but was not sure. Today, I am sure that I want to be a journalist, but I have to join a reputed college. The problem is that I have lost the little interest I had in studies. The subjects I am studying now seem meaningless for me. They just don't interest me at all. I am not scoring well either. I get 60% or so. Now, my marks and my goal horrify me. I try a lot to study. It’s just not happening. Looking at my present, I get worried about my future. Please tell me what I should do!
Student

Dear student,
I understand your confusion, and your decision on choice of subjects. I think you did the right thing by choosing subjects that kept your options open since you did not know what career you wanted to pursue. Whether you pursue journalism or any other career, gaining a scientific understanding of the world always proves to be beneficial and can add value. My feeling is that now, since you have decided on journalism, you think what you are studying right now is a waste of time, and have, therefore, lost interest in it. That need not necessarily be true. Even if you become a journalist, you may not yet know what kind of journalist you want to become. Journalists also need a certain depth of understanding of the subjects they are going to write about. So journalism can be a career that is built as a layer on top of subject matter knowledge. Your degree in Science will go a long way in becoming a field of specialisation as a journalist for you, if taken seriously. A journalist, specialised in Science and Technology - That would be interesting, right?
You say you are an average student. That means you have given yourself a pre-decided label and will not give yourself the opportunity to break out of the ‘average’ mould. Think about what are your strengths. Break up your big goal of becoming a journalist into smaller steps, some of which you can address now itself. For instance, start writing on topics that may interest you. Try getting your writings published. Write your own blog, etc. This will help you to establish your credentials when you get to the point of launching yourself into journalism. It will also help you differentiate yourself. Don’t let your anxiety about your future, take away the joy from your present. Failure is never final unless you let it. You can always bounce back from failures, provided you learn from them and allow yourself to.
All the best

Define your failures - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 15, 2013]
 
Dear Madam,

I am pursuing engineering in computer science and engineering. I always wanted to become a software engineer. I was supposed to be in 6th semester now but got detained in 5 subjects. I have cleared 4 subjects and have 1 remaining subject which I'll clear. I was a very good student and I'm good, but after I got detained I'm loosing my confidence. I want to get a distinction in the remaining semester and get into some good companies. I want to ask you whether I will I get a good job after getting detained.

A student

Dear Student

You may have failed in a few exams but you are not a failure. Remember failure is always an event, not a person. Failure is a learning opportunity - an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow from that learning. Failure is not the end of the road. There is life after a failure. It is a mere bump or speed breaker, and once you cross it you can zip down the path of life again. So don’t let your failure define you. You define what the failure will mean to you.

If you are able to position the failure as something that gave you essential life lessons which you have learned, then no one will define you in terms of that failure. How you position your failure is your choice. It is up to you, and it is within your control.

Good luck

Dear Madam

I am a 25 year old mechanical engineer. I completed my engineering this year with lots of supplementary exams. I managed to clear all the subjects. Now my score is only 56%. I almost took 6 years to complete engineering. My friends say that I should take up a job and start working. I don’t think any company will take me with this score. I wanted to write the UPSC exam, but every one says I cannot do it. I really want to show them I can. I am ready to study day and night leaving aside all sorts of materialistic life. Please guide me whether my decision is right or wrong. My 10th score is 69% and PUC 2nd yr is only 45%. If there are any exams which can tell me what I’m really good at please tell me.

A student

Dear student,

You could meet with a career counselor who would help you arrive at career options and paths that would match your interests and aptitude. However, I am sure you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. However do it for the right reasons. If you want to appear for the UPSC examination, by all means go ahead. The fact that you have struggled with exams in the past is no guarantee that you will struggle in the future as well. The subjects for UPSC exams will be different from those of your engineering. But do the exam because you want to do it, not because you want to prove yourself to everyone else who said you can’t do it. The only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself. So if you want to take the exam, go ahead and give it your best shot.

As for having no ambition left, visualize your life when you have a goal that you are working towards. And, then visualize one in which you are aimless, goal-less and passion-less. The difference will be so stark that making your choice will not be difficult.

Remember, your life is in your control. You can choose to be its master and make it work for you; or you can choose to be its slave and let it drag you along wherever it wants.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of Class X and shall be completing the same this year. I hope to secure above 90% of marks as I have done well in the previous years. I want to study arts in future, not because I do not like Science but because I like Social studies. Many people say that there is no scope for arts now. But I want to pursue a career in law. Moreover, I learn both music and dance. I am learning Sanskrit too. I have got 96% in my exams. I am confused, since my parents do not want me to do law. Please help me. 

Mahima Harish

Dear Mahima

You seem to be in a secure place with respect to your marks and seem to have the privilege of having many options open to you because of that. I am glad you are choosing subjects based on what you like, and your interests. You can make a career in whichever field you want the difference between being good at it and being great at it, however, will depend on the passion you bring to the field. That’s why doing what you like is important. Try and understand why your parents don’t want you to do law, and why you do want to do it. It will be helpful to talk to them and understand their reservations, and your own motivations. Arrive at a decision after you have gained this understanding. They may have reasons you cannot understand at this age, and you may have a passion they were not aware of. Communication is the key. And, if after this, there is still a difference of opinion, I feel it is important to do what your heart lies in.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am a student of 2nd PU (Science) studying in a reputed college. In the 1st year, I was good at studies. But after entering 2nd year I am loosing my concentration from the studies. As this is an important year of my life I want to do something but its just not happening. Please guide me in doing well for 2nd PU also.
Radhika N

Dear Radhika

You did not tell me anything about what is happening to you, and in your life, because of which you are losing concentration. We most often lose confidence because we are tensed or stressed, or because we are distracted by something else that is more interesting and occupying our mind. What do you think about when you are trying to study? What is occupying your mind? Is it worry and anxiety about doing well, or some other life event; or is it someone, or something, that is keeping you busy. Are you scared of failure, and are you thinking that this is the final chance in your life to prove yourself and therefore you are feeling stressed about this being the defining year of your life? Unless you tell me what  it is I won’t be able to help you deal with it. Maybe you should think about it yourself and then talk about it to someone who can help you.
You could read more about dealing with issues like this on my blog at personalorbitchange.blogspot.com . Maybe you will find your answer there.

All the best

Dear Madam,

I am studying in Class IX in a CBSE school. The reason I am writing this is because I can’t zero in on what I should pursue next. I am inclined towards engineering, literature and also law. I am very keen to go abroad on a scholarship basis. But I cannot decide which  course to take next. My parents are slightly pressurising me or in other words: my dad expects too much from me. Please help me.

A student

Dear Student

I think you should probably go in for some career counselling to help you match your interests and abilities with current opportunities available. It is important to choose a career which helps you achieve your potential and which you enjoy and are passionate about.

As for your parents’ expectations of you, all parents have expectations of their children. However, it is your responsibility to communicate to them how much is too much. Parents always want their children to achieve their potential. They feel that unless they communicate this, their children will slacken. If you are feeling pressured then you need to communicate this to them so that they can understand the effect it is having on you. Remember, your parents are on your side, cheering you on. They are not on the opposite side of the fence. You are not in this alone. They are there to help you. But receiving that help and encouragement is up to you.

All the best

Believe in yourself - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 25, 2013]

Dear Madam,

I am in Class XII and am very weak in studies but do very well in sports. Should I study or do sports? Please help me, ma’am. My parents don’t help me in both.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

You are fortunate that you have been able to identify a strength area for yourself. However, even if you focus on sports, you need to be able to identify a way to make it a profession that can sustain you financially. Only a handful of the top sports people earn a lot of money through sports.

For the rest of them, they have to marry their strength in sports with other business ideas to be able to sustain themselves. To be able to do that without other education may be difficult. It may be good for you to look at your academic education as a way of opening doors for you to leverage on your strength in sports. You would probably need the academic qualifications to open some doors for you in the future. Without the academic qualifications you may find your options severely reduced.

So, by all means, focus on sports, but think about how you are going to convert that into an idea that will sustain you financially. You can then view your academic education as a stepping stone to gain the skills for the implementation of that idea.
I hope that was helpful. I urge you to communicate with your parents so that both of you are able to understand each others’ points of view and take an informed decision jointly.

Dear Ma’am,

I am studying 2nd PU now and am really confused as I have to prepare for both NEET and Board exams, and my score in physics and mathematics are really poor. I want to be a doctor, not any doctor but a cardiologist. I know my maths score is immaterial to my dream of becoming a doctor but I want to keep my options open and have a good score in my Board exam as well. And, I often lose confidence on my ability to achieve my dreams and feel that I may have taken the wrong decision. Even after having a good knowledge of what I study, I fail in its presentation. Even in languages I lose marks due to my poor presentation. But, I used to score well in CBSE syllabus in which I completed my tenth. I think I can score well in all the subjects because usually I score well in unit tests but when it comes to summative tests I fail in my performance. I have great hopes of my parents on my shoulder. I don't wish to be a failure. Please solve my riddled conceptions.

P Eshwar

Dear Eshwar,

You seem to be too stressed and that is leading to your lack of concentration and poor performance in exams. It is natural for anyone to have some element of self-doubt about their choice of path.

The grass may always appear to be greener, or easier, on the other path.
I don’t think you should let your parents’ hopes on you weigh you down. They are meant to motivate you, not lead you to dysfunction. You have to believe in the fulfillment of your own hopes and dreams and in that process, your parents’ dreams will also be fulfilled. You are not alone in having to bear the weight of parental expectations. All parents have expectations from their children.
These expectations are meant to motivate children, not to weigh them down. Remember, there are several ways to fulfill parental expectations, unlike the common perception that there is only one right way.

Ultimately your parents want you to be happy and successful. It is your interpretation that they will be happy only if you are happy and successful in ways that they define. You have a choice to be happy and successful in ways that you define. Exercise that choice.

Also, define your end goal - is it to do well in the Board exams, or to do well in NEET, or to become a doctor, or to become a cardiologist, or to become a world-class cardiologist, or to help people live longer lives? Take a long-term view and treat the exams on the way merely as milestones towards that goal. They are not defining moments unless you make them out to be that.

Dear Madam,

My daughter is eleven and a half years old, studying in VI std. She is having a lot of problems with studies. Basically, she is a mild, intelligent, friendly and bold girl, who is ambitious to be a popular leader. She has a knack for speaking extempore and won group leader elections. She is hyper sensitive and a very stressed girl.

Nowadays, her stress level has increased so much that she hates to go to school, and even the sight of her school uniform and books upsets her. Her main problem is studying for tests & exams. Since she has come to a higher class, the frequency of tests has increased and because of the high stress, she finds it very difficult to sit down and work hard. She is a fast learner but the stress is causing a lot of problems. I constantly counsel her. We have never put any kind of pressure on her academic performance.

I would very much appreciate and would be grateful if you could advise us as to how we can help our child reduce her stress so that she will carry on with her activities without difficulty. Kindly help.

Concerned mother

Dear mother,

I can understand your concern, because being able to face stressful situations is a very important life skill for all of us. The difference between those who are successful in life and those who are not, very often is dependent on how people handle the various stresses that they are bound to experience in life. I think it would be very helpful for you to take your child to a counsellor who will be able to work with her through this process.

Stressful situations are most often the result of our irrational beliefs like, “I have to succeed at everything I do otherwise I am worthless”, “Everyone has to think I am a great person or has to like me”, or “My worth depends on how many people like me”, and so on. A counsellor will be able to uncover your child’s beliefs that are holding her back, and help her replace them with more rational beliefs that will allow her to deal with her stresses more easily.

After all, your happiness and your ability to deal with stress depends on what you think you are worth. And the foundations of that get laid in childhood.

Dear Madam,

I just wanted your suggestions to go ahead with my life and career. I could not pass 2nd PUC even after two attempts. After the second attempt, I started working. Since three years I am an office executive. Because I don’t have education I’m not at all valued anywhere. I really want to do something in life because I have my family who is depending on me. I don’t mind working under you also if I can grow. I’m not interested in studies. Also please give me some suggestions wherein I can come up in life.

Smitha

Dear Smitha,

Unfortunately, I am not hiring people to work under me. However, remember that the value the world ascribes to you is merely a reflection of the value you ascribe to yourself. You may not have formal education, but you may have other strengths which can help you. You need to identify your strengths and that will make you feel empowered.

The strengths are not only things that you do, or have achieved, but are also a function of the person that you are. Remember, Dhirubhai Ambani hardly had a formal degree as a foundation for his success.

And there are many other such names that one can come across. Success in life depends not only on your educational degree, but on many other life skills like your confidence, your ability to communicate, your problem-solving skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to lead a group, or be an effective member of a group, your risk-taking and creativity, your entrepreneurship, your sincerity, your drive, and so many other things.

Follow your passion - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on July 4, 2013]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of class XII and would like to join MBBS next year. Like every child, I have had different ambitions at different times of my life. I developed a passion for cooking at the age of 13 but did not pursue it since it seemed an "unpredictable" career to my parents. Pushing that aside, I started to write novels, stories, features, etc. At the age of 15, I had published my own story book. Again, my parents branded that as another "unpredictable" career. At that point, I was aware that they wanted me to become a doctor which I had NO interest in. But eventually, I understood what their point was. They want me to be established in a profession that has some sort of stability. Once I am settled, I can pursue my ambitions. Truthfully, that seems like the right choice to make, but I am scared that I will never get to follow my dreams. What if life steers me another way? Will I lose my passion to be a writer if I do not do something about it now? I am an indecisive person, and I do not want that to get in the way of my future. Yes, I have chosen to study medicine but I do not know if that is the right decision for me. Right now, however, it seems like I have no other choice.
Shimona Lakshman

Dear Shimona

It’s great that you have such varied interests and that you have been able to take them to the next level. Remember, there are no right and wrong answers to your dilemmas. Whatever works for you is the right answer, because this is about your life and future. And whatever choice you make, you must believe that you have the ability to make it work for you. So make your choices with mindfulness, not out of compulsion and as a last resort. There is no right age to pursue one’s passions and dreams. You can do it at whatever stage is convenient for you. Some people do it early on, and some people do it later. And luckily for you, your passions are such that they can be pursued even alongside your chosen career. Haven’t you heard of a doctor who has published a novel, or written a book? Haven’t you heard of a doctor who’s cooking is to die for?
So make your choice, knowing that it is your choice, and believing that it will be right for you.

Dear Madam,
I am a PUC student with PCMC combination. I have failed in mathematics and have become hopeless since then. I have been put into science stream by force. My strengths in this field of study is Computer Science and English. And, my greatest weakness is mathematics. I would like to know whether supplementary exams are conducted this year or not. If it is conducted when should I apply and what are exact dates for the exam timetable. Also I would like you to tell me as to how should I prepare for the exams as this is the first time I have failed so miserably in exams. Will I be accepted in courses like BBM and BCom as I have not passed through annuals. I really do not want to enter the field of science anymore. Please guide me as to how should I mentally prepare myself for this exam and get the best out of this. What alternatives do I have if there is no supplementary exams?
A student

Dear Student
I am not in a position to answer any of your questions with respect to supplementary exams and the criteria for admission to any course, or the technique of study you should adopt. This information should be easily available from your college and your peers. All I would like to say is that failure in one exam is no reason to lose hope. It does not mean that you are a failure, nor does it mean that you will fail in that exam all the time. All of us are bound to face failure at some points in our life, and the sooner we learn to face it, learn from it and overcome it, the better it is for us.

I understand that you don’t have an interest in maths, but that does not mean you don’t have the capability to clear the exam. Remember, our mind has the capacity to grow and learn anything that we set our heart on. Intelligence is not fixed. It can grow based on the effort we put in, and the mind set we work with. If you put in an honest effort in maths, you will be able to overcome your mental block and learn, maybe even enjoy, the subject. Nothing is impossible.

Keep in mind the famous quote by John Wooden, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.”

Dear Madam,
I have completed my class IX but with bad results. I just scored 88% and my parents expected more than 95%. In spite of good revision my score was low.  I learnt most of the syllabus very well. I had spent almost 4 hrs to learn each chapter during my preparation. But on the day before my exams I found that I had forgotten most of it and I had to spend 4hrs again to learn them well. But on the day of my exam I had forgotten many things again. This time, I was not able to finish revising all chapters before the day of my exam and more over, I could not remember much out of what I had studied. Most of my friends and my twin sister have good memory power unlike me. They don't consume 4hrs or more to finish each chapter. I don't understand why this is happening with me. Among all the subjects, Chemistry and Physics were horrible. I don't know how I'll face the ICSE this academic year and its vast portions. This year, all my score were below 90%. Please help me out so that I can do well in my board exams.
Vaibhavi

Dear Vaibhavi

My sense is that you are feeling too stressed and anxious about your marks and your performance, and that is affecting your concentration and memory. When you said you got bad results in your opening line, I expected your percentage to be much lower than the 88 you had mentioned. Please remember that your parents may have whatever expectations they have, and your twin sister may be getting much higher marks with spending less time, but you are a unique and valuable person with a unique and, maybe, different set of strengths and weaknesses. You need to recognize your strengths and achieve your own potential. This is not about living upto someone else’s expectations; it is about living up to your own expectations from yourself and achieving your own potential. For that you need to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and you need to understand that just because you may not get as many marks as your sister, you are not inferior to her. Marks are not the only benchmark for success, or worth, in life. Unfortunately, all to often, many of us believe they are. While marks may be important to open some doors for you in life, marks alone cannot guarantee success for anyone. So don’t let the fear of marks drive you around the bend. Don’t give them more power and control over you than they deserve. Just persevere, put in your best effort, learn well, and find your own motivation. Let that be your driver. And, remember to relax along the way.
All the best

Dear Madam,
I am an avid reader of this column and adore the manner in which you handle every dilemma. I am in a confused situation too. I am currently in my eighth semester engineering with an aggregate of 75%. With no placements in the near future through the campus, I am looking forward to higher studies. Meanwhile, I have discovered a passion for the mike and stage through the various debate competitions I won and by being MOC in a chain of events at college. I feel that I should follow my passion and take up journalism as my career. My fluency in writing and an excellent command over the language has given me immense confidence. My parents are not supportive as they feel that journalism involve a lot threats. Shifting streams at the postgraduate level may sound bizarre, but I am ready for the challenge. Can you advice me on this aspect and suggest an excellent university in India and favorably in Karnataka where I can pursue my passion, if it is possible?
A Reader

Dear Reader
I am glad you find this column useful. It is always encouraging to get feedback, and if it is positive then that is even better! You are right in saying that you should explore your passion and do what you enjoy. You may want to understand what the alternative career entails by talking to people in that profession. Also understand your parents’ fears and apprehensions about it. Ultimately your parents will want you to do something that will make you happy. If you are able to communicate that to them, they will be satisfied.You could look at using your engineering education to add value to the branch of journalism that you are wanting to pursue. In any case, no education goes waste, even if you are not actively pursuing that field. Learning anything can only be helpful.Before taking the plunge map your strengths and weaknesses onto your career options, and see which one gives you more of an advantage. List out the plusses and minuses of both choices and see which one weighs in stronger. Ultimately do what will make you feel happier and more satisfied, but do it for the right reasons.

Don't live up to others' expectations - Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of June 13, 2013]

Dear Madam
I am studying BE Telecommunication in VTU. To be frank with you, now I am 27 yrs old. I took admission in 2005 and I was to complete the course in 2009. But due to my negligence and laziness, it is only now in August 2013 that I have got admission into the final year. Since I am taking 8 years to complete my course, it will be very difficult for me to get a job in any MNC. So now, as I have few months free till August for my final year admission, which course should I go for that will be useful for me in getting a job. Till now I have studied Programming Languages like C, and C++. Please suggest any career oriented courses of upto one year duration. Even if it is expensive, I will go for it. I am interested in software courses as I am interested in writing the logic for a program. I am the only son of my parents and they have huge expectations from me. I don’t have any plans for PG studies. I am already 27 now. So please provide me enough details of institutions, which would recruit me to good MNC.
Student.

Dear Student
I am not a career counsellor and so have no advice for you on which courses you should attend to brighten your chances of a job in an MNC. All I can suggest is that don’t make your life about living upto your parents’ expectations alone. What are your expectations from yourself? Don’t strive to achieve something only as a favour to your parents. The biggest beneficiary of your professional success is you, not your parents. They will merely be happy to see you grow in whichever area you choose. The actual joy and satisfaction of doing well is going to come to you, not your parents. So it is about time you decided that you needed to achieve something because you want to do something in life.

It is good that you have been able to recognize the reasons for your not clearing your exams in time and keeping up with your peers. Recognizing where the problem lies is half the battle won. If you know where the problem is, it is much easier to overcome it. Remember also, that success in the workplace is not merely a function of marks. It depends, to a large extent, on your soft skills as well - your ability to communicate, lead a team, be a team player, think creatively and out of the box, problem solve, etc. You may want to spend your next few months focussing on those areas.

Dear Madam,
I am a 9th grade CBSE student studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. Recently I changed my Section and I am facing an inconvenience. I was a topper in my previous class. After changing the Section, I feel I can't cope because of the competition. All the toppers of the other sections are in my section, and I feel inferior between them. I want to gain my confidence back. PLEASE HELP!
Student

Dear Student
It looks like you have been shifted into a section which has all the high performers from all classes. I am sure this was done to make the environment more challenging, and hence more meaningful, for all of you - to help you achieve your potential and better equip you to face the future competitive environment. You should not view this as a threat, or an inconvenience, but rather as an opportunity that you have been given because of your good academic performance.

It is not important to always be the topper amongst a group of children. The goal of education is not to top, but to learn, and to gain the tools to achieve your potential, now and in the future. Would you rather top amongst an average set of students, or be amongst the entire set of top performers, even if you are not at the top. Your goal must be to maximize your learning and put in your best effort. Your sense of self-worth must come from your self belief and confidence in your own abilities, not from the fact that your marks were the highest. Your sense of achievement and success must come from being as close to achieving your own potential, rather than from being the top amongst a mediocre bunch.

So be thankful for the opportunity that you have got. Change is always difficult because it involves stepping out of your comfort zone (in this case, that of knowing that you can easily top your class). But to grow and achieve our potential we must step out of our comfort zone, no matter how scary that process. So go ahead and plunge in.

Dear Ma'am,
I completed my 1st PUC Science(PCMB) with an average percentage. I have no intention of joining any tutorials as I believe that I am confident of reaching my goals with the coaching given in my college. Even in my 10th Std (State syllabus) I managed to secure very well without tutorials. But now, everyone I know have joint tutorials and I am literally the only person who is not as serious as others. I feel too depressed and insecure. In spite of this, I have no interest whatsoever to join tutorials because I know I can't balance both college and tutorials. I feel too anxious just thinking about 2nd PUC. Being insecure as I am now, I have lost hope of doing well. I experienced all of these before the start of 10th Std too, but I managed in the end. But, now I feel too low. Some of my college teachers have begun their own tutorials and I feel even the teachers suggest to join tutorials. There is no one to inspire and motivate me to prove that it is possible to succeed without tutorials and this fact has pushed me to the edge. I am willing to put my best efforts and work hard with dedication. Is that enough? Everyone has this theory in mind that only students who go to tutorials can do well in 2nd PUC. Is that true? Can I perform well without going to tutorials?
Arpitha

Dear Arpitha
If you are confident about your ability to work hard and put in your best effort, then you do not need to do something because everyone else is doing it. Most people go to tutorials because that forces them to put in the extra work required, which they are not confident and disciplined enough to do on their own.

Ultimately success in the exams will depend on effort, diligence, and dedication, whether it is in the tutorial classroom or at home. What the tutorials may do is make you more familiar with the style of questions that may come in the examination, but you can get that from past question papers as well. The tutorials are just an extra tool that students use, to make sure they haven’t missed on any help they can get. Tutorials cannot guarantee success without the student’s own dedication and effort.

I am happy to hear you say that you are confident of reaching your goals on your own. Ultimately, that is the confidence that will drive you to success, not tutorial classes. So don’t lose heart. It is always difficult to do something that is different from the crowd, but go with what your heart says.

 You say you are not as serious as others, yet on the other hand you say that you have the confidence to do it on your own. These are contradictory statements. Obviously you are serious and have confidence in your own ability. Seriousness is not measure by how many classes you attend.

Don’t let your fear and insecurity incapacitate you. Every one needs to find the means to the end that works for them. Just because tutorial classes work for others, does not necessarily mean they will work for you.

Others may not have the same confidence that you have. Don’t let others’ fear and insecurities convert your strength into a weakness.

All the best

n

What do you expect from yourself? Ask our counsellor Q&A column

[The following column written by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of May 23, 2013]

Dear Madam, 
I have finished my 10th std in 2000 and PUC in 2006, due to some family problems. I completed my degree in 2009 and after that I took a job in a school. Now I want to do MCA. I am worried about the impact that the gap may have on my future if I work in the corporate sector. And my percentage is not so good in PUC. Please help me.  
Student

Dear student,
If you are able to explain your gap in a way that is authentic and shows how you used that opportunity to grow and gain life experiences, you may in reality be able to position yourself as someone who may be more of an asset to an organization. Don’t look at that gap as a failure, or a short coming, but as a life event that gave you opportunities to gain life experiences that you would not have got in a classroom. So think about what the reasons for the gap were, how did you use the gap time, what did you learn in the process and how are you a better person now because of it. If you analyze your gap time in this way, you start thinking about it as an opportunity that taught you something. If you able to convey that in your interviews, you can convert it into a strength. Remember, success in the corporate world does not depend on your marks, but on several other things like your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to think out of the box, your ability to problem solve, your ability to work in a team and lead a team, and so on. Marks just open the door.

Dear Madam
I am currently in my 2nd year CS Engineering. I was very good at studies in the 1st year and in my PUC. My CGPA in the 1st year was 8, but in my 3rd semester, somehow I lost interest and neglected my studies. I got 2 backlogs. I'm not able to regain my strength. My mind is getting distracted from studies, my parents have lot of hopes for me. I even read motivational books, but the motivation will be there in my mind only for one or two days. I joined college to achieve something, but I'm not able to concentrate now. I want to achieve something in my life, but I don't know what is lacking in me. I'm very confused. Please help me.

Dear student,
I understand that your parents have lots of expectations from you, as is natural for all parents. The important thing for you to answer is what are your expectations from yourself. This is not about your doing something for your parents. This is about your life, and your doing something for yourself, that makes you happy and fulfilled. If that happens your parents will be satisfied. Remember, the biggest beneficiary of your “success” is going to be you, not anyone else. So find your motivation. What are your dreams? What are the steps you need to take to fulfill them? Break up your goals into small, achievable targets so that you get a sense of fulfillment along the way. Failure in any one of the steps on the way, does not mean that you are a failure. It just means that you failed at that task in the first attempt, and you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Try to understand what is distracting your mind. Is it stress and pressure, is it the peer group, is it a romantic relationship, is it fear? Once you are able to understand the source of your distraction you can address it.
All the best.

When someone you know is suicidal

I was recently training a group of people, who were gearing up to be effective counsellors, on the subject of suicide, and was numbed when I learnt that each and every person in the room that day, including me, had had someone in their life who had either already committed suicide, or was contemplating it.

Bangalore, unfortunately, has the distinction of being the suicide capital of the country – having the highest number of reported suicides. The daily newspapers carry several reports of suicide. And, I’m sure for each suicide that gets reported, there are several others that do not. And for each successful suicide, there are probably 10-20 attempts made that have not been successful. Given this, the chances that each one of us may know someone who is feeling suicidal are high, because the people who feel suicidal do not belong to some other remote world (much as we would like that to be the case). They belong to our world and our communities. They are one of us and they are among us – in our schools, colleges, offices and families. I learnt this the hard way having lost one of my clients, whom I had worked with for over six months. I was left with several questions, several regrets and several fears. That is what started me on this journey of trying to understand what happened.

So, if someone comes to us and lets us know that they are feeling suicidal, how do we support them in a positive way? While the best option is to get them to a mental health professional – may be even take them there yourself, that may not always be possible, or practical. In that case what do you do?
There are several things a lay person can do to help someone who is contemplating suicide. Probably the most important, but hardest, is being non-judgmental about the person who is feeling suicidal, and the situation. We must remember that the thought of suicide is a “cry for help”, not a “desire to die”. We commonly believe that someone who is contemplating suicide wants to die. On the contrary he or she is simply giving out a desperate cry for help. We can choose to ignore it, or we can choose to respond. The choice is ours. And often we choose to ignore it because it means confronting some tough questions for our self. We must remember that while there is a time for us to confront those questions, clearly this is not that time. This is the time to give the person non-judgmental support. This is the time to respond to their cry for help positively. This is the time to just be with the person.
Many dismiss this cry for help as an attention-seeking behavior that they don’t want to encourage or fall for. The question to ask our self is why the suicidal person has to resort to such measures to get the positive attention they want, and deserve. We tend to just look at the behaviors and try to fix those, without understanding the deep insecurities that result in that behavior, and address those insecurities.

No person is 100% suicidal. About 80% are sitting on the fence – ambivalent, confused and gasping for life, looking for a deterrent, and hoping someone will stop them. With their constricted thinking, they are contemplating a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is a myth that contemplating and committing suicide is an impulsive, irrational act. On the contrary, it is often well thought out and the person who is feeling suicidal gives several warning signs along the way. It is also a myth that those who threaten it don’t do it; that children don’t commit suicide; that once a person is suicidal they will always remain suicidal; or, even that discussing suicide with the person will drive them closer to it.

So we must respond to their cry for help; we must be the deterrent they are looking for. But how?
Firstly, by being non-judgmental and staying calm. This is not the time to lecture, blame or preach; or to criticize their choices, analyze their behaviors, or confront them with your own interpretations. This is the time to “listen” and allow them to ventilate their feelings in a safe space and encourage self-disclosure.

By not keeping the suicidal risk a secret and not falling into the confidentiality trap. They need help, and must get it.

Don’t debate the pros and cons of suicide; or deny their suicidal ideas. Acknowledge it as a choice, but don’t normalize it. Don’t challenge them for shock effect; but find out what is being hoped to be accomplished and communicated by the suicide.

Don’t leave them isolated, unobserved or disconnected. Show them your personal concern. Show them some hope and be the temporary champion they so desperately need. Help them stay in the “here and now”.

Don’t be misled by their telling you that the crisis has past. Most people make a second attempt soon after. Don’t get sidetracked by extraneous, external issues and don’t forget to follow up and stay connected.

The risk is greatest when a person has the means, the opportunity, a specific plan, and, 
the lack of a deterrent. So be their deterrent. Be their temporary champion. Show them some hope. And most importantly, be there.