Go with the flow and enjoy the swim

[The following article by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Living Supplement of September 29, 2012]

Don’t create resistance in a relationship you value, says Maullika Sharma.


I recently got an email from a friend’s daughter saying that she was going away by herself on a six-week trip to Europe.

Surprisingly this found me grappling with a mix of emotions and questions, and I wondered why I was confused. Was it because she had an 18-month old baby and I was being judgmental about how incorrect it was (in my opinion) to just take off on a whim, leaving the baby with dad and grandparents? Was it because I was jealous and I wanted to do the same? Was it because I was never able to even dream of doing such a thing when I had an 18-month old baby (not only because of circumstances, but also because I would never even have considered it a possibility)? Or, was I just in awe of her boldness and her clarity about the importance of defining her own space? I think it was probably a little bit of all of these things.

Once she was home after her sojourn, the young lady in question was thrilled to get an apology from her husband for under-valuing her contribution over the past 18 months. He’d had to spend two whole days by himself (i.e. without his parents) with the baby, before she returned, and that experience gave him a renewed appreciation for her role and her contribution. My friend’s daughter, no doubt, was thrilled to receive the apology. However, she wondered if two days was really enough to give him a complete picture and get a complete appreciation? She was cribbing to me about this, and I found myself telling her to be happy she got some apology!

I am not sure what point she was trying to prove, and to whom. But I told her that she shouldn’t be doing these things just to prove a point. She should do it only if she wants to, for herself – not to give a message to someone else.

I believe that relationships should not be about proving points. After all, how many points are you going to try and prove? And, to how many people? And, then, what if, you still don’t prove anything (because accepting the point being made is really dependent on the other person)?

Life is about going with the flow and enjoying the swim. Unfortunately, though, all too often, we make it about proving a point to the world, to our partners, to our children, to our parents, to our friends, to our colleagues, and even to ourselves.  This forces us to resist the flow, and never really allows us to enjoy the swim. And, isn’t that what life is really meant to be about — enjoying the swim.

So when and how do we resist the flow?We resist the flow with our children when we get so caught up in our anxieties, about their future, or ours, that we forget to enjoy the millions of priceless moments they give us. We get so wound up in trying to control them, and our life, on every front, that we forget to prioritise and let go of the unimportant. Everything becomes equally important, and everything becomes a stress-full battleground.

We resist the flow with our partners when we make the relationship about establishing superiority and authority. We also resist it, surprisingly, when we make it about establishing equality and trying to reinforce equality in everything, from who does how much, to who earns how much. Essentially, we resist the flow every time we try to control what the other person says, does, or is. Unconditional acceptance allows us to enjoy the swim; being constantly judgmental creates the resistance.

We resist the flow at work when we make work about being the winner in our competition with peers; when we make it about always being right, and being ahead. We enjoy the swim when we allow ourselves to have fun, learn, enjoy the bonding with colleagues and be human enough to make mistakes and still move on relentlessly.

We resist the flow with our friends when we make our friendship about material acquisitions and professional success. We enjoy the swim when we cherish the bonding and the presence and support of our friends in our life. When the care freeness, that is the central theme of the very popular Airtel jingles, changes to who has more, does more, or is more, we generate resistance.

Whatever the relationship, when we make it about our ego, power and control, we create resistance. When we allow ourselves to be human, and make the relationship about the love, connection and bonding, we are able to enjoy a leisurely, yet energy-giving, swim in the pool of life. And, if the relationship is not important, then go ahead and make it about proving a point.

Meanwhile, to the young lady, I said, “I really do hope you had a good time, whether you won the point or not is immaterial! You deserve it! You did it! Be thankful for it!