[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on Mar 15, 2012]
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student. I’m so addicted to the Internet that I’m not able to concentrate on my studies. I aim to become an IAS officer. But my lack of concentration is giving me a hard time. Please help me. What should I do to focus on studies? I just tend to procrastinate my work. I’m worried about my performance at the Boards.
SPH
Dear SPH,
By the time this letter gets published, you are probably right in the thick of your Board exams. Fortunately the problem that you raise ‘lack of concentration’ is one that is completely within your control. It is not an external problem or situation that you cannot control, even though you make it sound like it is something that is just happening without your participation in the process. If you are bored then please do some introspection and figure out for yourself why you are bored. Are you just focussing on learning everything by rote, in which case even the most interesting subject can become boring?
Are you feeing too stressed and pressured by the outcome (i.e. the results) that you are not really focussing on learning anything? Have you been trying to spend every waking minute studying, without any time for rest, relaxation and recreation, in which case you are probably tired and burnt out by now and unable to focus anymore? Remember to be able to concentrate while you are studying, you must get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, and relax. Make sure your worries are not what are clouding your mind and not allowing you to focus. If that is the case, then please share your worries with someone you can trust. Let them hold your worries for you, while you clear your mind and focus on your task on hand.
Dear Madam.
I am third-year, B.Sc (agriculture) studying in UAS, Raichur. I am unable to concentrate on my studies. My percentage is good but I have three arrears to clear. I am constantly distracted by friends and chit-chat. They tease me which makes me angry, but I control myself. I practise a bit of yoga too. I want to pursue an MSc in Entomology.
XYZ
Dear XYZ,
I am not in any position to recommend books to you, nor can I comment on your choice of subject for post-graduation. However, I can help you with the pressure and stress that the teasing by your friends is causing you. I understand that it is making you feel angry, and you feel you need to control that anger. It is important to recognise and accept that you are feeling angry, and that it is okay to feel angry. However, what you do with that anger is important. Do you allow it to disturb your concentration because it is eating you up from within, or do you allow it to goad you to speak your mind, and let your friends know how you feel, so that they feel pressured to change their behaviour. Sometimes, we feel angry, and are not sure of ourselves, and therefore fear that if we speak up we will lose our friends; if we show our true feelings, we will appear to be weak. On the contrary, having the courage to speak up and let people know how you feel is a sign of great strength. Believe in yourself, and your worth, and don’t let the fear of losing your friends hold you back. Let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. If nothing else, their response, will provide you with a test to benchmark their friendship.
Meanwhile doing yoga and deep breathing are good stress-busters and will help you calm down.
Dear Madam,
I am a Class 10 student, studying under ICSE Board. I have scored averagely in my unit tests, but I have failed three subjects in the preps because of lack of concentration. I know I can do better, but it’s somehow not happening. I am not at all confident about passing the Boards, which will start soon. I want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else till my Boards get over. I come from a family of rank holders. I am worried about embarrassing my family members and relatives. How many hours should I study every day? How can I devise a strong daily time-table that will help me study more in less time?
Freda
Dear Freda,
By the time this response gets published, you will be in the midst of your Board exams. All I can say is that fear can be a really negative emotion which holds you back from performing to your true potential. Don’t let fear bring you down. When you are really scared of something, try and analyse what it is that you are really scared about. You mentioned that everyone in your family is a rank holder and that if you don’t do well it will be a big embarrassment.
Please don’t let external pressures like this be your motivators. If at all you want to do well, it should be because that is something that you desire, not because it is something for the benefit of everyone around you. Remember, that you are unique and special in your own way. Know your own strengths and weaknesses. If academics is not your strength, it does not mean that you are not worthy and capable in other aspects of your life, or that you are of less value to those around you.
In any case academic achievements are not a guarantee of success in life — only of success in exams. Even if you don’t do as well as you, and others, would like, you still have the rest of your life to be successful in ways that you want. Exams are merely a stepping-stone, or a door-opener. So, for whatever is left of your exams, good luck and learn to relax.
Thursday 15 March 2012
Thursday 1 March 2012
Making a Difference
[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald on March 1, 2011]
Unbiased support
What role does a counsellor play in the life of a student? A significant one, says Maullika Sharma
Skeptics have often asked me what role I play as a school counsellor. What difference do I make? Do children even know when they need help? I have often pondered over these questions myself. And the answer I come up with is always a ‘yes’. Yes, I play a significant role. Yes, I make a difference. And, yes, surprising as it may seem, children always know when things just don’t feel right. The role of a school counsellor is manifold, and I am going to spend sometime exploring each aspect of it as I see it.
Firstly, and most importantly, the counsellor must provide the proverbial “safe space” for the students. By “safe” I mean one where they experience unconditional positive regard and non judgmental acceptance of the person that they are; where their confidentiality is sacrosanct; where all the threatening and terrifying forces of school, and the world at large, can’t get to them.
This is the most obvious role so I am not going to spend much time dwelling on it. However, besides being a safe space for the students, the counsellor’s room must also be a safe space for the adults — the teachers and the parents. The teachers, like the rest of us, maybe struggling with life’s challenges as well. In giving them access to this safe space, the chances that they will carry the impact of their life’s struggles into their classrooms gets reduced. It is important to help teachers deal with their emotional baggage so that they can be more emotionally available to their students.
Often the people most in need of this safe space are the parents who are trying to juggle issues of work, livelihood, relationships, responsibilities and parenting, all at the same time. Giving them the opportunity to get help, without the social stigma and inertia of seeking out a counsellor, can give them a whole different perspective on life — theirs and their child’s. I honestly believe, the younger the child, the greater the need to work with the parents.
The second role the counsellor plays in a school is to put the emotional and mental health of the students on the school agenda. This involves training teachers on the emotional impact of their words and deeds, as well as increasing their awareness on issues that positively or negatively affect a child’s self esteem and mental health and well-being. It involves helping them air and challenge their irrational beliefs about the world around them, their role and the role of children, among a host of other beliefs. Many children come from troubled emotional backgrounds and family systems, and school often provides them a second chance to experience normalcy.
Teachers need to understand the impact of their words and deeds on the lives that they are helping shape.
The counsellor also needs to play a similar role with parents, be it by conducting training sessions, or regular communications, or by family therapy sessions.
The third role is to help parents navigate the confusing landscape of mental health and illness that they may find themselves in; while at the same time making sure that the school systems are accepting of special support that may be needed by the child. Parents are often confused when they are unable to understand a child’s behaviour and if abnormal behaviour persists they don’t know where to go and whom to turn to. Also, if they are faced with diagnosis of mental illness for their child, they don’t understand the implications and often don’t know how to react or respond to best support their child. They are overwhelmed with their own anxieties and pressures, that they are unable to be available for their child when their child needs them most.
They are unable to accept the diagnosis and often go into denial about the child needing any extra support. Yet, acceptance is the only way forward. Acknowledging that it is neither their’s, nor their child’s fault is the only path forward and a counsellor can play a significant role in helping parents getting to this point of acceptance.
Finally, the last role as I see it, is that of an ombudsman for the parents in the school — not for administrative and routine issues, but for issues that have an emotional impact on the child. Parents often have no one to turn to for this — if there is a problem with a teacher they generally keep quiet because they don’t want the child to be further targeted in the school. Being assured of confidentiality with the counsellor helps them air their grievances. This gives them a feeling of being empowered as they are able to highlight the issue without fear of the child being harmed. It also offers them a different perspective on the concern that they have, while the counsellor simultaneously looks at the systemic problem areas along with the school authorities.
The goal of everyone — the parents, the teachers, the school administration — is the same, i.e. the well-being of the students in their care. However, in an attempt to perform their role better, each party inadvertently assumes the other one is wrong. A counsellor can help all parties remember that they are all in this together hoping to achieve the same end result. A counsellor can make the relationship more cooperative rather than confrontational.
Unbiased support
What role does a counsellor play in the life of a student? A significant one, says Maullika Sharma
Skeptics have often asked me what role I play as a school counsellor. What difference do I make? Do children even know when they need help? I have often pondered over these questions myself. And the answer I come up with is always a ‘yes’. Yes, I play a significant role. Yes, I make a difference. And, yes, surprising as it may seem, children always know when things just don’t feel right. The role of a school counsellor is manifold, and I am going to spend sometime exploring each aspect of it as I see it. Firstly, and most importantly, the counsellor must provide the proverbial “safe space” for the students. By “safe” I mean one where they experience unconditional positive regard and non judgmental acceptance of the person that they are; where their confidentiality is sacrosanct; where all the threatening and terrifying forces of school, and the world at large, can’t get to them.
This is the most obvious role so I am not going to spend much time dwelling on it. However, besides being a safe space for the students, the counsellor’s room must also be a safe space for the adults — the teachers and the parents. The teachers, like the rest of us, maybe struggling with life’s challenges as well. In giving them access to this safe space, the chances that they will carry the impact of their life’s struggles into their classrooms gets reduced. It is important to help teachers deal with their emotional baggage so that they can be more emotionally available to their students.
Often the people most in need of this safe space are the parents who are trying to juggle issues of work, livelihood, relationships, responsibilities and parenting, all at the same time. Giving them the opportunity to get help, without the social stigma and inertia of seeking out a counsellor, can give them a whole different perspective on life — theirs and their child’s. I honestly believe, the younger the child, the greater the need to work with the parents.
The second role the counsellor plays in a school is to put the emotional and mental health of the students on the school agenda. This involves training teachers on the emotional impact of their words and deeds, as well as increasing their awareness on issues that positively or negatively affect a child’s self esteem and mental health and well-being. It involves helping them air and challenge their irrational beliefs about the world around them, their role and the role of children, among a host of other beliefs. Many children come from troubled emotional backgrounds and family systems, and school often provides them a second chance to experience normalcy.
Teachers need to understand the impact of their words and deeds on the lives that they are helping shape.
The counsellor also needs to play a similar role with parents, be it by conducting training sessions, or regular communications, or by family therapy sessions.
The third role is to help parents navigate the confusing landscape of mental health and illness that they may find themselves in; while at the same time making sure that the school systems are accepting of special support that may be needed by the child. Parents are often confused when they are unable to understand a child’s behaviour and if abnormal behaviour persists they don’t know where to go and whom to turn to. Also, if they are faced with diagnosis of mental illness for their child, they don’t understand the implications and often don’t know how to react or respond to best support their child. They are overwhelmed with their own anxieties and pressures, that they are unable to be available for their child when their child needs them most.
They are unable to accept the diagnosis and often go into denial about the child needing any extra support. Yet, acceptance is the only way forward. Acknowledging that it is neither their’s, nor their child’s fault is the only path forward and a counsellor can play a significant role in helping parents getting to this point of acceptance.
Finally, the last role as I see it, is that of an ombudsman for the parents in the school — not for administrative and routine issues, but for issues that have an emotional impact on the child. Parents often have no one to turn to for this — if there is a problem with a teacher they generally keep quiet because they don’t want the child to be further targeted in the school. Being assured of confidentiality with the counsellor helps them air their grievances. This gives them a feeling of being empowered as they are able to highlight the issue without fear of the child being harmed. It also offers them a different perspective on the concern that they have, while the counsellor simultaneously looks at the systemic problem areas along with the school authorities.
The goal of everyone — the parents, the teachers, the school administration — is the same, i.e. the well-being of the students in their care. However, in an attempt to perform their role better, each party inadvertently assumes the other one is wrong. A counsellor can help all parties remember that they are all in this together hoping to achieve the same end result. A counsellor can make the relationship more cooperative rather than confrontational.
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