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Wednesday 30 November 2011

Know Emotional Abuse

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald Living supplement on November 26, 2011]
 
Self-esteem must allow for self-expression, not self -justification, says Maullika Sharma
EARLY SIGNS Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues.The self-esteem of our children is something we parents pay the least attention to. We worry about their food, clothes, discipline,  health, marks, extracurricular accomplishments, and the lack of them. But how many of us worry about our child’s self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, under achievement, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of happiness, substance abuse and aggression. It influences a child’s ability to learn, grow, be creative, relate to others, make smart choices in life, and achieve goals. Self-esteem is thus the most important determinant of a person’s mental health and the most important thing a parent can focus on.

So what is self-esteem? It’s our confidence in our ability to handle life successfully, to think and understand the world, to make accurate judgments, decisions and choices. It does not mean a lack of self-doubt; what it means is that if you make a mistake, you’re confident enough to bounce back.

Another component of self-esteem is self-respect — that you judge yourself worthy of living and reaping the rewards of your efforts. It’s in knowing that you’re a good person, deserving of happiness and success. Lack of self-respect impedes an individual’s ability to be happy. It means that you may not aim to achieve anything much, because you don’t think you deserve it. It means the person will not stand up for himself and assert his needs and boundaries.

Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. It’s the feeling that, “I’m important”, “I’m worthy”, “My needs are important” and “I’m good enough and accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses”.  How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we achieve, with whom we fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children or friends.  

How is self-esteem shaped?
It’s shaped by messages (verbal and non-verbal) we receive from significant adults early on in life; by messages we receive based on cultural traditions; and, by our own ideas, beliefs, and values. As a child, if you’ve been told by your parents that you aren’t good enough, you step into the workplace, marriage, and other relationships, believing that you’re not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove yourself, to yourself and to others. If your aim is to prove that you’re ‘enough’, the battle is lost the day you concede the issue is debatable. Your motive must not be to prove yourself, but to live out your possibilities. Your motive must be self-expression, not self-justification.

Low self-esteem has many faces. We only think of physical or sexual abuse that evoke traumatic feelings of powerlessness. But, often we make our children feel that they can’t do anything right; that they don’t count; that they are alone; that they are terrible; that they are unlovable; that they are a failure; that they are hopeless; and, that they hate themselves. If your child ends up feeling like this, then, it is a case of emotional abuse.
And this is a scary thought since all of us are probably guilty of this, without even realising it.

How to nurture self-esteem
Children need to make sense of their experiences. Within a family, this means adults who walk the talk; say what they mean, and mean what they say. It means rules that are consistent, understandable and fair. It means parents who are emotionally stable and who acknowledge their mistakes. A child’s repeated experience of terror at the hands of adults can have lasting, harmful consequences.  The greater a child’s fear and the earlier it’s experienced, the harder it is to build a healthy sense of self.

An effective parent can convey anger and disappointment without withdrawing love. As a parent, do you demand perfection and focus only on the outcome, or do you acknowledge the effort? If love is linked to performance, the child understands “I am not enough as I am” and no self-esteem can be built on a foundation of not being enough. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

Acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings is conveyed not by agreement, or chastising, lecturing, and insulting, but by listening and acknowledging. Be careful of what you say to your children, and how you say it. When parents convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, they make a child feel visible.

The ultimate objective is to make a child independent. We must teach children to identify and set goals, and assist them in achieving them — not by doing the work, but by providing the coaching needed. Our praise must be genuine. Criticism must be directed at the child’s behaviour, not at the child. No good is ever achieved by assaulting a child’s self-esteem. If we can rebuke without demeaning a child’s dignity, and can respect a child’s self-esteem even when angry, we’ve achieved the most challenging task of parenting.

Making mistakes is integral to learning. How we respond to mistakes, ours or our children’s, is critical. We don’t need to pretend that we’re perfect. We just need to be accepting of ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses, and be accepting of them with all their strengths and weaknesses. Teaching your child to handle stress is also important. This is a direct spin-off of how we handle stress. Do we welcome change, or do we fear it; do we feel in control, or do we become helpless; do we find solutions or are we stuck at defining the problem; do we tackle tough decisions, or do we put them off?

It’s time for us, adults, to think about the impact we’re having on the self-image of the children in our care. Over 75 per cent of Indian children who come for counselling, struggle with self-esteem. It leaves me wondering how we could go so horribly wrong with our parenting. How could we, who value our children the most, not teach them to value themselves?

Thursday 17 November 2011

Do you have a learning disability - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald of Nov 17, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am currently in the Science stream of First PUC. I performed poorly in the mid-terms and internals. It is not that I am not interested in Science, but I fail to grasp the subject well.
I constantly forget the theories and derivations I learn in Physics when I switch over to another subject. I get confused even if the number changes or the problem gets twisted. In Math, practice does not help my case. I forget the steps and make mistakes. People tell me that a change of mindset and things will help me focus.

How do I achieve this? I need to be able to work on multiple subjects at the same time and retain what I learn. This has led me to give up hope on taking the AIEEE exams. My classmates are ahead of me in class. My parents do not understand my issues. I have been following all the advice that’s available on the Internet and I still face this problem. How can I strengthen my basics? Which books should I refer to. Can I switch to Commerce if I don’t want to study Science next year? Please help.

Student

Dear Student,

I understand that you would like to do well in your exams, and are putting in your best efforts. But you don’t seem to be getting the rewards of your hard work. This is causing you distress and you are worried about your future. Have you been facing this problem in your earlier years in school as well, or has it only surfaced now since your work load and stress has increased? If you have always been facing this situation, then maybe you could get assessed by a clinical psychologist to see if there is any kind of ‘learning’ problem. However, if you have been experiencing this problem only now, then it may be the result of stress and anxiety surrounding your performance which is not allowing you to focus. For this you should try some deep-breathing, meditation and yoga which may help calm your mind.

You should also try to understand the source of your stress. Some of the possible causes could be anxiety about your future livelihood, anxiety about what society (family, peers, etc.) say/think about you, fear of your parents, fear of not living up to your parents expectations, fear of not living up to your own expectations, fear of failure, etc. Once you identify the source of your stress, you can deal with it — either by talking to a counsellor, or an adult whom you trust, who can help you reinterpret and reframe your concerns. All the best

Dear Madam,

I’m a third year engineering student ( E&C). I am unable to concentrate in class and can’t study on my own. My friends believe it is because of my lack of general knowledge. Please suggest ways I can learn from this.

Avinash

Dear Avinash,

You have brought up two issues. The first is that you can’t concentrate in class. Is this because there is something or someone distracting you, or is it because you cannot understand what is being taught? Again, you may not be able to understand at home because of the same reasons, and because you are not following what is being taught in class. If this problem is a recent occurrence, then either you are distracted or stressed. However, if you have always had this problem, then there may be a deeper, underlying reason for it.

The second issue that you have brought up is that of your friends deciding that you don’t have skills and academic and other areas. This judgment of theirs can be significant, or insignificant, depending on what you believe about yourself in this regard. Do you believe that you are not ‘good enough’ or capable, or do you believe that you believe in yourself and know that you can achieve whatever you decide to achieve? If you believe in yourself, your friends will be forced to believe in you, whether you get the marks or not. If you don’t believe in yourself, then don’t expect your friends to. Remember, what they say is merely a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

Success in the workplace, and in life, is not a function of mere marks. Success is a function of many other things, the most important of which is self-esteem. It also depends on your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to lead a team, your ability to be a part of a team, etc. While marks help, the only real role they play is that of opening some doors. If certain doors don’t open, some others will, provided you are willing to look for them and go through them.

Friday 4 November 2011

Success is a relative term - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on November 3, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I’ve been meaning to write and seek help since I started my first year PUC. The first year started off in great zeal but soon after, it became difficult to cope with the State syllabus. Except for Math, I lost interest in every other subject. The teachers are inspiring enough. I can’t turn to my parents for help. They are worried about me.
I then joined a crash course before I began Second PUC, which helped me immensely. I also made a few good friends at the crash course camp. I returned with enthusiasm and a brand new perspective. But in two weeks from that time, I was injured in an accident with another friend and the guilt has still not left me.
I have not been able to focus on studies since then. I’m running out of time and I need help.
Worried Student

Dear Worried Student,
The contents of your letter span over a long period of time, and a large range of emotions and experiences that you are struggling with. Not only do you feel guilty for causing the accident, but you are also remorseful, and feeling frustrated at not being able to do anything about it. You are anxious about your future, and are ambitious and aspire to do well, but find yourself unable to take charge of the situation. You also seem to have some issues with your friends which may still be unresolved. And you feel that it is not okay for you to share your feelings and struggles with your parents
I think this is a lot for any child to deal with at one time, and it is not surprising that you are finding it difficult to focus on your studies. When there is so much internal conversation and so many thoughts going on in your mind, it will be hard for anyone to focus. It is, therefore, extremely important that you address and deal with these emotions so that you are free to focus on your studies. I would suggest you see a counsellor at the earliest. It is not possible for me to address all the issues you are dealing with in this column and therefore strongly recommend that you get help urgently. I strongly urge you to involve your parents in your struggles, as well. The more you keep them out of the loop, the more worried they will get. And if they don’t understand your struggles you will feel pressured by them.
If you do not know where to get the help, and how to get it, your parents may be able to assist you in identifying a resource for you.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent from Bangalore University, and I want to study further. But I lack the confidence because I have only scored 60.64 per cent in Class 10, 45 per cent in Second PUC and 65 per cent at the undergraduate level. Do I have it in me to clear exams such as CSIR and ICMR? Am I cut out for a career in research?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It is not for me to tell you what kind of student you are and whether you will be able to continue in the research field, considering the only data I have are marks that you have shared with me. You will be able to do whatever you set your mind to, and whatever you are motivated about.
Remember, success in life is not a function of only your marks, but also of your confidence, your belief in yourself, your self- esteem, your analytical abilities, your communication skills, your leadership capabilities, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think out-of-the-box, etc. Marks may only open some doors for you. So don’t let your past marks discourage you. Look at the future, and use the past merely as a stepping stone to the future, not a defining factor.

Dear Madam,
I have completed Second PUC (Commerce). I’m interested in pursuing a diploma in Automobile Engineering, but my parents have opposed the idea, as they believe that the course does not have much scope these days. They insist that I pursue a BBM degree instead. I’m confused. I am currently studying a short-term animation course. Please help.
Joe Roberts

Dear Joe,
Have you researched the opportunities that will become available to you after you do your diploma in Automobile Engineering. Do you think those opportunities will interest you and give you the kind of career and lifestyle that you are aspiring for? If your answer to these questions is yes, then go ahead and convince your parents.
Try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they are keen on BBM. What are the opportunities they anticipate will come your way, and what career aspirations do they have for you. I think it is important to have this discussion to understand each other’s wishes, desires, and aspirations. I am sure if you are convinced about your choice, you will be able to convince your parents. Problems will arise if you are trying to convince them about something that you are not sure about. Do your homework first.