[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on April 13, 2011]
Dear Madam,
I am a PU II student. I was good in studies. But, now I think I am disturbed. I am wasting my time thinking about a girl. I want to concentrate on studies, but when I open my book, automatically my mind begins to think about her. I have large goals in my life.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am not sure whether you mean disturbed or distracted. The two emotions are very different.
If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you have big goals, then probably you have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later.
If you miss out on your career goals, nothing may fall into place later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome. If your goals are too big, and that is what is overwhelming you and allowing you to be distracted, then break them up into smaller, more manageable ones.
If on the other hand, you are disturbed, then I suggest you talk to someone you trust, or a counsellor, to identify why you are feeling the way you are.
Dear Madam
I am a student of Class 8. I feel tense when exams near. Please help.
Ashwathi
Dear Ashwathi
There is an urgent need for us to be able to put exams in perspective because many of us often feel too pressured, stressed, overworked, confused, depressed or just unable to cope, before an exam. And, this has nothing to do with how, or how much, they study.
I feel the anxiety stems primarily from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them.
The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. The important thing from any failure is to learn from it.
This may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. While going through a struggle, that struggle seems to be your whole life. You can read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html and http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html
Dear Madam,
I am a CA aspirant. When in school, I fell in love / had a crush (confused) with a class mate. I proposed to her. However, she said she liked me but not enough to marry me.
We chat through SMS’. I call her sometimes. Sometimes I feel I have a big ego as I get angry whenever she ignores me or when she doesn’t reply to my SMS’. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I am from a poor family and want to be a CA and keep my parents happy. I don’t want to lose her also. Please help.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are confused, and don’t know whether to focus on your career or your relationship. As I have said in some of my earlier columns, if you choose to focus on your relationships at this stage, you may not get another chance to focus on your career.
And your career choices may also come down if you miss the boat. On the other hand, if you focus on your career now, you will have plenty of time to focus on your relationships later. Also, if you settle down well into your career, you may have many more relationship choices later. I want to also guard you against wanting to do CA to ‘keep my parents happy’.
You will spend the next 25-30 years of your life focussing on your career, so you need to have the right reasons to choose it. Yes, if you do well (financially) your parents will be happy, but that has to be a secondary fallout of your career success, not the primary cause for it. The primary cause has to be your desire to achieve something (whatever that is).
As far as your relationship is concerned, from what you described, it seems like very one-sided — you want it desperately, and she is neutral about it. For a long-term relationship to be successful it needs to be a relationship of equals, where both parties are as eager to enter into it.
I read this quote somewhere which I think is very applicable here — don’t make someone a priority in your life, if you are merely an option in theirs. If you are not comfortable talking to her, and prefer to communicate through SMS; if you don’t know what you want out of the relationship; if you don’t know whether this is love or infatuation; if you cannot express your feelings to her and hope to be understood, then it is probably better for you to treat this experience as a learning opportunity so that you have a better understanding of long-term relationships when you are ready to enter into one.
And, till then, focus on your CA and many relationship options will present themselves later.