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Thursday 29 December 2011

Have a Goal - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on December 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,

Until Class 10, I performed well academically (80 per cent aggregate). But when I graduated to PUC, my performance began to go down.It took me three years to complete my PUC II and I only managed to secure a 46.3 per cent overall and 47 per cent overall in Physics, Chemistry and Math. My parents, who believed in my capabilities, decided to give me another chance and got me a COMED-K seat in an engineering college. Again, I failed to make it to the second year because I had seven arrears. I know that I am capable of scoring 75-80 per cent in Engineering. I prepared my own notes but I could not deliver.

I set a time-table to study for 10-12 hours a day. The first day, I manage to get three to four hours. The next day, I take a break. I then begin to make a fresh time-table. I have wasted three years. I want to overcome these hurdles. I am 21 years old. I don’t have friends. I have two younger sisters. And I wish to set an example for them. Please help.

Sanjay S H

Dear Sanjay,

I think it would help you to talk to a counsellor, or someone else you trust, to figure out for yourself what is blocking you in achieving your potential. You maybe distracted due to something, or someone, and this is holding you back from putting in your best effort. Or, you maybe depressed and unable to focus on what you need to do.

You may also need help in formulating a goal for yourself which will motivate you to not be idle. It is possible that you don’t have a goal or a dream that you are working towards. You seem to be fortunate to have a family that is supporting you and therefore, are not pressured on that front, however, sometimes pressure spurs us on. My advice to you would be to go look for your goal, and then go about achieving it.

Dear Madam,

I am currently in PUC II (Science). I have taken up Biology as an optional paper. I quite enjoy this subject along with Physics. What throws me off are the applications. This is scary as I am aware that the CET papers test one’s application skills. My class scores are quite good, but my reasoning ability is average and I lag behind in solving CET sample papers.

I am also confused about my next step. I don’t know whether to opt for engineering, medicine or any career-oriented course. If I want to pursue engineering, I need a solid ranking to get a seat in one of the best colleges. But since my skills in tackling the problems are average, I have little hope that my ranking will be high. Please help.

Disha

Dear Disha,

I think you should follow your passion. If your passion lies in studying Biology, then you should go right ahead and explore all possibilities which will help you leverage that passion. I am sure you have the ability to apply yourself even in your Physics problems, though you may need more practise to get a grip on the technique. However, often passion is what makes the difference between our success and failure in a particular field. So, if you are passionate about Biology, you should pursue it. I get a sense that you feel that is not a good enough option and you feel pressured to pursue Physics or Engineering. Just follow your heart. All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student (State syllabus). I am confused about what career path to choose. I am doing quite well in school. Math is the only tough subject. I like Biology and do well in it.

My parents feel that I should pursue Aerospace Engineering as it has more scope and is quite different from the rest. But I think it will be very hard for me. I have always dreamt of becoming a paediatrician some day. What should I do?

Sushmitha

Dear Sushmitha,

If you dream of becoming a pediatrician, and you find Biology as a subject you can handle comfortably, then why are you doubting yourself? You are in a much better situation than many of your peers. Most of them have no dreams that they are chasing, and most of them have no clear-cut areas of interest.

If you have both, I am not sure what the self-doubt is about. You may want to understand from your parents why they are keen on Aerospace Engineering, and you should be able to convince them on why you would rather be a pediatrician. I am sure that if you are able to communicate your passion and dream to them, they will support you. They probably feel you don’t know what you want to do and, therefore, are trying to guide you.
All the best.

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC I student (State syllabus) with a PCMB combination. I have just finished the mid-terms and I am not satisfied with my performance. My overall percentage in Class 10 is 75. I have always been a class topper and I don’t know how my grades have dropped. I want to be able to ace these tests. Please tell me how to improve my concentration while studying. How many hours should I spend studying, in a day?

Chaithra

Dear Chaithra,

Are you getting very stressed about your marks and results? You seem to be someone who is enjoying her studies, and has high aims. Then you should study for the joy of learning new things. Don’t treat new concepts as hard and, therefore, problematic. Treat them as hard and, therefore, opportunities to learn something new, and to prove to yourself that you can understand them. It is not about how many hours you study, but about how focussed you stay during the time that you do study.

Remember, putting in your best effort is what matters the most. If you can honestly tell yourself, that you have put in your best effort, then that is all that matters. If you have put in your best effort, then at least the learning stays with you. Remember, success in life, is dependent on a lot more than just marks. Marks simply open a few doors for you. If the doors you wanted, don’t open, some others will — you may just have to look a little harder for them.

Good luck.

Thursday 15 December 2011

De-clutter your mind before you study - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following post, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on December 15, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a student of Class 10 (ICSE Board) with a Science, Math and Computers combination. I have performed poorly in my first and second term exams. And I am afraid that if I continue in this pattern, I will not be able to score well for the final exams. I tend to forget theory. I am easily distracted by access to the Internet and my mobile phone. While studying, I tend to switch between subjects. For example, I keep mixing subjects. While studying Physics, my mind is cluttered with doubts about a chapter in Chemistry and when I shift to Chemistry, I start thinking about doubts in History/Economics. I don’t know why I cannot bring myself to share these problems with my family, teachers or school principal. My parents don’t understand my issue. I have tried following time tables, advice. But I am unable to create a study routine and stick to it. I am confused about my future. I need some help in getting more focus into my studying studies. Please help.
Student

Dear Student,
There are several issues you have brought up. I am going to list them below to make sure that I have understood them correctly.

First, you seem to be very tense and anxious about your exams and are afraid of the results. Second, you can’t seem to focus on your work and keep mixing up all your subjects. Third, you have a lot of distractions and are unable to keep them away.

To my mind all these issues are probably interconnected. Your anxiety about marks is blocking you from actually being able to focus on your learning and concentrating on the work you need to do. When the mind is so full of worries and questions and anxieties, there is a constant parallel conversation going on in your mind, which prevents you, or interferes with what you are actually trying to do. The way around this is not to pretend that the anxieties are not there, or to question why they are there. But, rather to face them, address them and put them at rest. So what about the exams is so scary for you? What is your worst fear about the results? Is that worst fear something you can live with? You will need to answer some of these questions for yourself, or take the help of a counsellor, who can help you work through these. If you are able to lower your anxiety associated with the exams you will be able to focus.
The other thing you mentioned is that you are confused about your future, and also maybe anxious about it. You need help defining your goals and working towards them. Remember, the exams are not your goal. The exams are merely a stepping stone towards opening some doors that will help you achieve your goals. Put the exams into the perspective of your whole life, and you will realise that they are just one mere part of your life .

You also mentioned that you are scared about sharing your thoughts, feelings, and questions with your teachers. And, that your parents don’t seem to understand you. I think you need to focus on understanding yourself, and believing in yourself. And with that will come the confidence to communicate with your parents and teachers. If you are confident about yourself and what you say, the others will be forced to listen. If you doubt yourself, then others will doubt you. You have to believe that you are good enough to do whatever you set your mind to do, and with that belief will come the confidence for everything else. Get the help of a counsellor if you find this too daunting a task to do on your own.

All the best.

Wednesday 14 December 2011

My musings as a School Counsellor

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Christ University Department of Psychology magazine called Perspective 2011]

Having recently qualified as a counselor, I walked into my first assignment at a prestigious school in Bangalore several years ago, quite unsure of my role, and of the difference I could make. Would children in school really see the value of counseling? Would they ever come for counseling voluntarily? Wasn’t it more of an adult thing? Wasn’t it something that adults took children for, when they (the adults) thought necessary? Would it be possible to maintain confidentiality in an environment where the child was everyone’s business?

On my first day, just as I had finished settling in, a very worried teacher walked into my room. One of her student’s had been hurting herself with the school badge repeatedly. The teacher had no idea what she was meant to do, or what the child’s behavior meant. She used the only tool she had in her toolkit (i.e. scolding) and it hadn’t worked. She felt lost, confused, and a bit helpless, at being unable to ‘control’ this child’s “irrational” behavior.

Even though I was a bit overwhelmed at being landed with a relatively “serious” case on day one, I was clear that my response had to be three-pronged. I needed to work with the child, the parents, and the teacher – equipping each to address the challenges that situation threw up for them. After about 12 sessions with the student, a couple of sessions with the parents, and one (primarily educative) session with the teacher, the student settled back into the normal routine of school life without the angst and pain she was feeling earlier.

I have never since questioned the difference I can make in a school, even though I have to admit that I have not always been successful in reaching my goal – that of making a student who comes to me feel more emotionally comfortable and secure than when he or she first walked in.

There are some observations I have based on my experience working in a school setting. The first is that the counselor must make oneself visible – visible to the students, visible to the parents, and visible to the teachers.

Students must learn to view the counselor as someone easily accessible. Students must understand what kind of issues the counselor helps them with, and the students must be assured of confidentiality. They must come to believe that if they come to the counselor with a problem, the other teachers, or the principal, or their parents, and most importantly, their peers will not come to know about it. I did this by visiting every classroom in their free period, and talking to the students about various emotions, and how it is important to understand and express them. And, emphasized how I can help them with that. After every class, my diary used to be filled with appointments that the children scheduled. At the start of every academic year I give a questionnaire to every child asking them to list out the kind of problems they are facing. The objective is not so much to get the children to respond, and most of them don’t, but to make them aware of my presence and how and when they can find me.
Parents need to be made aware of the availability of the counselor, and must know that they have permission to reach out to the counselor directly, without any of the other school channels being involved. They too, must be assured of confidentiality. And, most importantly, their bias and stigma about their child coming to a counselor should be put to rest. They need to be educated on the role of the counselor and the importance of not dissuading their children from visiting the counselor. If a child has the courage to visit a counselor (which often, even some adults do not) the worst disservice a parent can do to the child is to communicate to him that they don’t approve of that action. Apart from a communication that I send out to parents at the beginning of the academic year, where I talk about the above issues, I also keep in regular touch with them by sending them links to articles (mine or someone else’s) which I feel would be interesting to them as parents. I conduct workshops for parents on various emotional issues. Apart from gaining insights on how they can be better parents, these workshops give them a forum to understand emotional aspects, connect with other parents on similar issues, and ‘connect' with the counselor without stigma.
Teachers must know that it is okay for them to come to the counselor to sort out some issues that they may be experiencing themselves, or, to get guidance on how to deal with an emotional situation in the classroom. Teachers also need to be sensitized to the emotional impact their words and actions may have on their students. Organizing workshops for teachers gives teachers an opportunity to discuss classroom situations in a safe, nonjudgmental way. This also allows them to recognize their own behaviors that may not be helpful in their role as teachers, role models, surrogate parents, mentors, and guides.

While the counselor must make oneself visible, he or she must not be viewed as one of the other teachers or staff members. There are many reasons for that. The counselor must be viewed as an expert who only deals with the emotional aspect of a child’s life in school. The counselor must be believed to be someone who will respect confidentiality and be nonjudgmental in their dealings. If the counselor is viewed as someone who is also just one of the other teachers in school, it would be hard for a student to believe that the counselor is not talking about them with other teachers, or is not biased about them based on their other interactions in school. I do this by staying a bit ‘aloof’ from the rest of the staff (I never have lunch in the staffroom, or go to the staffroom for a chit-chat), and not getting involved in other routine administrative school activities (which often get assigned to counselors unless they define the boundaries for themselves).

Maintaining a case record of every child who comes for counselling, and keeping track of it as the child progresses through school, is important. So if a child comes after a couple of years, I know when he or she came to me before, and what the issue was at that time. Often the issues are linked, if not the same. After every session, it is important to log a few lines of what happened in the session and any other observations you may have, so as to be able to see your own progress in your work with the child, and serve as an aid to your memory. Of critical importance, though, is ensuring that these case records are not accessible to other staff members, and do not enter the general school information system. I keep mine under lock and key (with the keys only available with me). I am not sure what I would do if I chose to leave the school – would I take the records with me, or hand them over to my successor? What I am certain about, though, is that I will not hand them over to the school management. I cannot emphasize enough how important maintaining confidentiality is.
Most of the students (I would say approximately 75%) who come for counseling come with issues stemming from low self esteem. Even though the presenting problem may be different, the root often lies in a poor self-image and lack of self-acceptance; the belief that “I am not good enough”. This is created to a large extent by messages given by parents and teachers (hopefully, unknowingly). The good news is that because children and adolescents, are still evolving their world-view and self-image, it is relatively easier to influence it and bring about a change, than it is in the case of adults. Sometimes, just a slight nudge in the right direction is all they need to start thinking differently. Sometimes, all they need is “permission” to challenge what the world (and elders), are saying about them.

I have consistently observed that the largest number of students come to me from the fourth grade. I don’t know if this will be validated by other school counselors, but I was truly surprised by this. Who would have thought that a fourth grader would even know that he or she is facing an issue? Who would have thought that a fourth grader would feel comfortable coming and talking to a complete stranger about it? If someone had told me this a few years ago, I certainly would not have believed it. However, now I think the reason for this is that that is the age when children start negotiating group dynamics. Before that they operate primarily as individual players. Around fourth grade is when they start forming groups; they get included or left out; they share secrets and get bullied; they start understanding the world and the people around them. All this can get confusing, and I am glad that many of them have the courage to seek help. Another factor here is also that fourth grade is probably too early for them to start worrying about the social stigma of going to a counselor. While teenagers and adolescents may actually need help, I think many of them feel inhibited. And my hope is that students who feel comfortable going to a counselor in grade 4 will continue to do so when they reach their tumultuous teenage years.
In conclusion, I’d like to add that while I am not equipped to handle all issues that present themselves to me, I am equipped to know what I can handle and what I cannot. And, those that I cannot handle I refer on, with the confidence that even my first understanding is of value to parents who are often fumbling in the dark, not knowing what is going on in their child’s world. Where would those children have gone to for help, had it not been for the ease and confidentiality, of just walking into a room right in school, whenever they can grab a free period? The comfort of knowing that in this harsh world that they are navigating, there is a safe place they can go to for someone to listen to them non-judgmentally and help them interpret their confusing circumstances, is invaluable. And to be able to do that without the logistical issues of parents having to take them somewhere, or pay for it, has its benefits.

Thursday 1 December 2011

Put exams in perspective - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education supplement of December 1, 2011]

Dear Madam

I have completed a diploma in Mechanical Engineering. I wanted to study further but gave up the dream as my family cannot afford it. My younger brother, who has secured a seat in an MBBS programme, is being sponsored by a guardian. I do not wish to burden him with my plans. My parents are not keen on me working in a remote district either. Could you suggest a postgraduate course (evening college, preferably) that I could pursue?

Student

Dear Student,

I acknowledge your commitment to your family and guardian, and your need to stand on your own feet and not be a burden on them. It is selfless of you to give up post-graduation so that your brother could study medicine. I am not in a position to tell you what course you should join, or what are the options available to you now. For that you will have to consult a career counsellor. However, it is probably feasible for you now to work and study side-by-side. You could look at evening/weekend/ or even correspondence options. That way, you will not have to be a burden on anyone. If your guardians fear you working far from home, it is best that you discuss this with them and set them to rest.

Communication is the only solution. So let them put their fears on the table, and you address them one by one. If they feel that you are confident of being able to conduct yourself capably in the workplace, they will be at ease about letting you go.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 9 student. I am not able to perform well in my exams because I forget all the answers as I do not know how to prepare well. I feel that I am not able to concentrate and focus while studying. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,


In order to get the most out of your study time, you must concentrate on what you are doing ‘in the moment’. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained to do. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling, and not doing well. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:

*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer. Once this is easy, count the words on a page.
*Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once these tasks become easy, try doing it for ten minutes.

These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes every day and see if you experience a difference. Try focusing on learning and understanding what you are studying, rather than on mugging it.

Forgetting something is a problem only when you are trying to mug it up. If you understand what you are learning, the chances of forgetting are much less, because you have understood the concept.

If you are anxious or stressed about your marks, it will weigh you down, and you will not be able to concentrate while answering papers. This inability to concentrate on what you are doing may make you commit ‘silly mistakes’. So try changing your motivation to study — study hard to learn more, and not to get more marks. It is a subtle difference, but an important one. Remember, while you need to put in an honest effort in preparing for the exams, you should not be overly focussed on scores.

The other thing is to be able to put exams in perspective. While you are going through an exam, it may seem like your whole life depends on it. If you can look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life. This is only one of them. You need to be able to put them in perspective. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them.

Success in life depends on several other factors like self-esteem, confidence, your ability to think creatively, learn, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few.

Wednesday 30 November 2011

Know Emotional Abuse

[The following article, written by me, appeared in Deccan Herald Living supplement on November 26, 2011]
 
Self-esteem must allow for self-expression, not self -justification, says Maullika Sharma
EARLY SIGNS Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues.The self-esteem of our children is something we parents pay the least attention to. We worry about their food, clothes, discipline,  health, marks, extracurricular accomplishments, and the lack of them. But how many of us worry about our child’s self-esteem?

Low self-esteem in children can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, under achievement, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of happiness, substance abuse and aggression. It influences a child’s ability to learn, grow, be creative, relate to others, make smart choices in life, and achieve goals. Self-esteem is thus the most important determinant of a person’s mental health and the most important thing a parent can focus on.

So what is self-esteem? It’s our confidence in our ability to handle life successfully, to think and understand the world, to make accurate judgments, decisions and choices. It does not mean a lack of self-doubt; what it means is that if you make a mistake, you’re confident enough to bounce back.

Another component of self-esteem is self-respect — that you judge yourself worthy of living and reaping the rewards of your efforts. It’s in knowing that you’re a good person, deserving of happiness and success. Lack of self-respect impedes an individual’s ability to be happy. It means that you may not aim to achieve anything much, because you don’t think you deserve it. It means the person will not stand up for himself and assert his needs and boundaries.

Self-esteem is the way we think and feel about ourselves. It’s the feeling that, “I’m important”, “I’m worthy”, “My needs are important” and “I’m good enough and accept myself, with all my strengths and weaknesses”.  How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we achieve, with whom we fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children or friends.  

How is self-esteem shaped?
It’s shaped by messages (verbal and non-verbal) we receive from significant adults early on in life; by messages we receive based on cultural traditions; and, by our own ideas, beliefs, and values. As a child, if you’ve been told by your parents that you aren’t good enough, you step into the workplace, marriage, and other relationships, believing that you’re not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove yourself, to yourself and to others. If your aim is to prove that you’re ‘enough’, the battle is lost the day you concede the issue is debatable. Your motive must not be to prove yourself, but to live out your possibilities. Your motive must be self-expression, not self-justification.

Low self-esteem has many faces. We only think of physical or sexual abuse that evoke traumatic feelings of powerlessness. But, often we make our children feel that they can’t do anything right; that they don’t count; that they are alone; that they are terrible; that they are unlovable; that they are a failure; that they are hopeless; and, that they hate themselves. If your child ends up feeling like this, then, it is a case of emotional abuse.
And this is a scary thought since all of us are probably guilty of this, without even realising it.

How to nurture self-esteem
Children need to make sense of their experiences. Within a family, this means adults who walk the talk; say what they mean, and mean what they say. It means rules that are consistent, understandable and fair. It means parents who are emotionally stable and who acknowledge their mistakes. A child’s repeated experience of terror at the hands of adults can have lasting, harmful consequences.  The greater a child’s fear and the earlier it’s experienced, the harder it is to build a healthy sense of self.

An effective parent can convey anger and disappointment without withdrawing love. As a parent, do you demand perfection and focus only on the outcome, or do you acknowledge the effort? If love is linked to performance, the child understands “I am not enough as I am” and no self-esteem can be built on a foundation of not being enough. Unconditional love is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

Acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings is conveyed not by agreement, or chastising, lecturing, and insulting, but by listening and acknowledging. Be careful of what you say to your children, and how you say it. When parents convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, they make a child feel visible.

The ultimate objective is to make a child independent. We must teach children to identify and set goals, and assist them in achieving them — not by doing the work, but by providing the coaching needed. Our praise must be genuine. Criticism must be directed at the child’s behaviour, not at the child. No good is ever achieved by assaulting a child’s self-esteem. If we can rebuke without demeaning a child’s dignity, and can respect a child’s self-esteem even when angry, we’ve achieved the most challenging task of parenting.

Making mistakes is integral to learning. How we respond to mistakes, ours or our children’s, is critical. We don’t need to pretend that we’re perfect. We just need to be accepting of ourselves with all our strengths and weaknesses, and be accepting of them with all their strengths and weaknesses. Teaching your child to handle stress is also important. This is a direct spin-off of how we handle stress. Do we welcome change, or do we fear it; do we feel in control, or do we become helpless; do we find solutions or are we stuck at defining the problem; do we tackle tough decisions, or do we put them off?

It’s time for us, adults, to think about the impact we’re having on the self-image of the children in our care. Over 75 per cent of Indian children who come for counselling, struggle with self-esteem. It leaves me wondering how we could go so horribly wrong with our parenting. How could we, who value our children the most, not teach them to value themselves?

Thursday 17 November 2011

Do you have a learning disability - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald of Nov 17, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am currently in the Science stream of First PUC. I performed poorly in the mid-terms and internals. It is not that I am not interested in Science, but I fail to grasp the subject well.
I constantly forget the theories and derivations I learn in Physics when I switch over to another subject. I get confused even if the number changes or the problem gets twisted. In Math, practice does not help my case. I forget the steps and make mistakes. People tell me that a change of mindset and things will help me focus.

How do I achieve this? I need to be able to work on multiple subjects at the same time and retain what I learn. This has led me to give up hope on taking the AIEEE exams. My classmates are ahead of me in class. My parents do not understand my issues. I have been following all the advice that’s available on the Internet and I still face this problem. How can I strengthen my basics? Which books should I refer to. Can I switch to Commerce if I don’t want to study Science next year? Please help.

Student

Dear Student,

I understand that you would like to do well in your exams, and are putting in your best efforts. But you don’t seem to be getting the rewards of your hard work. This is causing you distress and you are worried about your future. Have you been facing this problem in your earlier years in school as well, or has it only surfaced now since your work load and stress has increased? If you have always been facing this situation, then maybe you could get assessed by a clinical psychologist to see if there is any kind of ‘learning’ problem. However, if you have been experiencing this problem only now, then it may be the result of stress and anxiety surrounding your performance which is not allowing you to focus. For this you should try some deep-breathing, meditation and yoga which may help calm your mind.

You should also try to understand the source of your stress. Some of the possible causes could be anxiety about your future livelihood, anxiety about what society (family, peers, etc.) say/think about you, fear of your parents, fear of not living up to your parents expectations, fear of not living up to your own expectations, fear of failure, etc. Once you identify the source of your stress, you can deal with it — either by talking to a counsellor, or an adult whom you trust, who can help you reinterpret and reframe your concerns. All the best

Dear Madam,

I’m a third year engineering student ( E&C). I am unable to concentrate in class and can’t study on my own. My friends believe it is because of my lack of general knowledge. Please suggest ways I can learn from this.

Avinash

Dear Avinash,

You have brought up two issues. The first is that you can’t concentrate in class. Is this because there is something or someone distracting you, or is it because you cannot understand what is being taught? Again, you may not be able to understand at home because of the same reasons, and because you are not following what is being taught in class. If this problem is a recent occurrence, then either you are distracted or stressed. However, if you have always had this problem, then there may be a deeper, underlying reason for it.

The second issue that you have brought up is that of your friends deciding that you don’t have skills and academic and other areas. This judgment of theirs can be significant, or insignificant, depending on what you believe about yourself in this regard. Do you believe that you are not ‘good enough’ or capable, or do you believe that you believe in yourself and know that you can achieve whatever you decide to achieve? If you believe in yourself, your friends will be forced to believe in you, whether you get the marks or not. If you don’t believe in yourself, then don’t expect your friends to. Remember, what they say is merely a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

Success in the workplace, and in life, is not a function of mere marks. Success is a function of many other things, the most important of which is self-esteem. It also depends on your confidence, your communication skills, your ability to lead a team, your ability to be a part of a team, etc. While marks help, the only real role they play is that of opening some doors. If certain doors don’t open, some others will, provided you are willing to look for them and go through them.

Friday 4 November 2011

Success is a relative term - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following column, written by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald on November 3, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I’ve been meaning to write and seek help since I started my first year PUC. The first year started off in great zeal but soon after, it became difficult to cope with the State syllabus. Except for Math, I lost interest in every other subject. The teachers are inspiring enough. I can’t turn to my parents for help. They are worried about me.
I then joined a crash course before I began Second PUC, which helped me immensely. I also made a few good friends at the crash course camp. I returned with enthusiasm and a brand new perspective. But in two weeks from that time, I was injured in an accident with another friend and the guilt has still not left me.
I have not been able to focus on studies since then. I’m running out of time and I need help.
Worried Student

Dear Worried Student,
The contents of your letter span over a long period of time, and a large range of emotions and experiences that you are struggling with. Not only do you feel guilty for causing the accident, but you are also remorseful, and feeling frustrated at not being able to do anything about it. You are anxious about your future, and are ambitious and aspire to do well, but find yourself unable to take charge of the situation. You also seem to have some issues with your friends which may still be unresolved. And you feel that it is not okay for you to share your feelings and struggles with your parents
I think this is a lot for any child to deal with at one time, and it is not surprising that you are finding it difficult to focus on your studies. When there is so much internal conversation and so many thoughts going on in your mind, it will be hard for anyone to focus. It is, therefore, extremely important that you address and deal with these emotions so that you are free to focus on your studies. I would suggest you see a counsellor at the earliest. It is not possible for me to address all the issues you are dealing with in this column and therefore strongly recommend that you get help urgently. I strongly urge you to involve your parents in your struggles, as well. The more you keep them out of the loop, the more worried they will get. And if they don’t understand your struggles you will feel pressured by them.
If you do not know where to get the help, and how to get it, your parents may be able to assist you in identifying a resource for you.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent from Bangalore University, and I want to study further. But I lack the confidence because I have only scored 60.64 per cent in Class 10, 45 per cent in Second PUC and 65 per cent at the undergraduate level. Do I have it in me to clear exams such as CSIR and ICMR? Am I cut out for a career in research?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
It is not for me to tell you what kind of student you are and whether you will be able to continue in the research field, considering the only data I have are marks that you have shared with me. You will be able to do whatever you set your mind to, and whatever you are motivated about.
Remember, success in life is not a function of only your marks, but also of your confidence, your belief in yourself, your self- esteem, your analytical abilities, your communication skills, your leadership capabilities, your ability to be a team player, your ability to think out-of-the-box, etc. Marks may only open some doors for you. So don’t let your past marks discourage you. Look at the future, and use the past merely as a stepping stone to the future, not a defining factor.

Dear Madam,
I have completed Second PUC (Commerce). I’m interested in pursuing a diploma in Automobile Engineering, but my parents have opposed the idea, as they believe that the course does not have much scope these days. They insist that I pursue a BBM degree instead. I’m confused. I am currently studying a short-term animation course. Please help.
Joe Roberts

Dear Joe,
Have you researched the opportunities that will become available to you after you do your diploma in Automobile Engineering. Do you think those opportunities will interest you and give you the kind of career and lifestyle that you are aspiring for? If your answer to these questions is yes, then go ahead and convince your parents.
Try and understand your parents’ perspective on why they are keen on BBM. What are the opportunities they anticipate will come your way, and what career aspirations do they have for you. I think it is important to have this discussion to understand each other’s wishes, desires, and aspirations. I am sure if you are convinced about your choice, you will be able to convince your parents. Problems will arise if you are trying to convince them about something that you are not sure about. Do your homework first.

Thursday 20 October 2011

Confidence is what you need most - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald dt October 20, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am a Class 9 student. There were many programmes conducted in our school to choose a career. I am scared to choose a field as I doubt my abilities to succeed. I am good with Math when it comes to classroom exercises but I don’t perform well with competitive exams like NISE, NSTSE, UCO. I want to be an optimistic person. Please help.
Abhishek

Dear Abhishek,
You are at the stage in life where you are beginning to realise the responsibilities of growing up and making it on your own. However, it is important that you make a career out of something that you enjoy and are passionate about it. This will ensure that you have fun along the way. And, in the process, if you are also successful, that is a bonus. It is extremely important that you be able to define success for yourself. How will you know that you have been successful (whether as a lawyer, or as a doctor, or as any other professional)? It is important that you know what ‘being successful’ means to you. If you don’t have your own definition, then society and others around you will define it for you, and you may end up chasing an ever-moving target. Also, what success means to you, maybe completely different from what success means to someone else. For someone, it may mean owning a large house. For someone else, it may mean being able to afford a foreign trip every year. For yet another person, it may mean treating the weak back to health, irrespective of how much money you make. And for another it may mean having a happy family life. So what does success mean for you? Define that, and then chase after that target.
Also, don’t be fearful of failure, because failure is but another stepping stone to success. The important thing is to be able to treat any failure as a mere roadblock, or obstacle, that you can work around and overcome. Remember, no success is final, and failure is fatal. Life is merely a journey, and success and failure are merely sign-posts on the way.
The reason you may be good at Math in school but not in competitive exams is because in school you are operating within your comfort zone. You may be memorising questions, without actually learning the principles involved. Focus on learning, rather than on the marks. The marks will follow, once the learning happens.

Dear Madam,
I have completed an MSc in Biochemistry with 59.05 per cent marks. I want to go in for higher studies but I lack the confidence to follow my dreams. My scores in Class 10 and 12 were rather low.
Is it possible to continue in this field? I want to get into research.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
While marks are important in opening some doors, they are not the only thing that will determine success. What the work place needs today, more than marks, is self-esteem — which is your ability to love yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem drives your self-confidence, your self-belief, your ability to communicate, your ability to think out-of-the-box, your inter-personal relationships, your creativity, and a whole lot of other parameters of success. What worries me is not your marks, but your lack of confidence in yourself. If you have the confidence, but not the marks, you can still make a mark. However, if you have the marks, but no confidence in your abilities, then the chances of succeeding are bleaker. I think you need to look at the reasons for your lack of confidence and take the help of a counsellor, or a trusted adult, to help you build it.

Sunday 9 October 2011

Be clear about your goals - Ask our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on September 29, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I have completed SSLC and I am very interested in writing horror and children’s stories. I also like to solve mental ability questions, and my IQ is good. Will these help me in my career, and to reach my goal? Can you suggest some exams or careers through which I can continue to write stories and solve mental ability exams? But my parents won’t support me, that's the problem.
Rashmi S

Dear Rashmi,
I think you need more clarity on what your career aspirations and goals are. Writing stories is a great talent. You can choose to make it your career, or you can choose to keep it as a passion that you indulge in for pleasure.

The choice is really yours. Having a high IQ, and being good at mental ability questions is also a great strength, but by itself it cannot get you to a goal, nor can it become a career. It can support you in whatever career you choose.

While it is good that you have been able to identify two of your strengths which are also things that you enjoy, it will be important for you to think deeper about what career choices will play to these strengths. I am sure that as you give it more thought, you will gain clarity on which path you should follow.

If your parents see clarity in your thought, and a passion to do what you are proposing, I am sure they will support you. I suspect their lack of support is because they don’t sense that clarity right now. However, even if they don’t support you, and you believe in it, then you must chase your dreams and let the others watch from the sidelines.

Dear Madam,
I am in PU II. My problem is that I don’t have a common goal in life i.e. sometimes I wish to become a doctor, and sometimes a mechanical or genetical engineer, and sometimes I wish to become a scientist or CA. Then again, I want to become an IAS or Army officer, or politician, etc. I even wish to join NASA. But my main aim is to bring my nation and parents name. Can you help me to come out of such a confusion. Please help me reach my goal.
Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,
You seem to have a lot of possible choices that you would like to pursue. It is time now for you to narrow down those choices. My suggestion is that you should connect with someone from each of these fields that you have mentioned, and spend some time talking to them about their work. That will give you a first hand account of those professions, and also give you clarity on what the jobs entail. This would then make the choice easier.

Your objective really should be to be successful (however, you define it) and bring about happiness for yourself. If in the process you make a name for yourself, then let that be the icing on the cake. Your objective should not be to make a name for your parents, or your country, but for yourself, because that is what you want. If you make it your life’s mission just to make others happy, then that is an elusive target, completely out of your control, which you may never achieve. Begin with what makes you happy, pursue that with passion, and I am sure you will get success. Your parents’ happiness will directly flow from this. Their happiness is not a goal you have to achieve. It is the fruit of your labour in the process of making a name for yourself.

Dear Madam,
I am now a II PU student. I know this is a turning point in my life. But, when I hear about the tsunamis, earthquakes and other natural calamities I think the world is going to end. Then I think I should not study. I spend nearly 10 hours in college and two hours at tuitions. I hardly get time for self reading. Can you help me manage my time in order to get a good rank and marks?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
I think it is important that you work through your fear of natural calamities, with the help of a counsellor. While it is important to be careful, one cannot live in fear, and that too, fear of something that no one has any control over.
So if this fear is hampering your normal functioning, I suggest you get some help.
If you are having a problem managing your time, then you should take stock of how your day is being spent. What are you doing and how productive is it? This is the time in your life where you need to prioritise your activities so as to be able to focus on your academics.

If you find that there is no time for self-study, then you may want to either reduce your tuition time, or cut out some of your other activities. Getting good marks is important, and helpful, but the most important thing is to learn what you are studying, and enjoy the process.

Thursday 8 September 2011

Retain control of 'your result' - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald of September 8, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II. I was doing well till Class 8 but after that I started losing interest in studies. I am not saying that I can’t study, but I get bored. If I sit down to study, I can’t concentrate on the subjects. This has affected my scores. In PUC I, I scored 70 per cent. Every week, I have tests at the tuition classes that I am attending and I am not able to prepare well. Please help me. I want to pursue an engineering degree from a reputed college and become a successful engineer.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
Try and think about what changed for you after Class 8. Why did your interest drop? Were there, or are there, any distractions that are keeping you from focussing on what you need to do. What is your motivation to study? Are you doing it for yourself, and your brighter future, or are you doing it under pressure from the environment and because your parents are forcing you to. If you are doing it for someone else, I can understand why you are getting bored, because it is then a chore to be done. You do not see any benefit in it for yourself.
I am happy to hear you say that you can do it, it is just that you don’t want to do it. So you do believe that you are capable of it, and the only thing holding you back, is yourself. That is a much better situation to be in because then everything is within your control. It is situations outside your control that are much more difficult to deal with. If the only thing holding you back is yourself, then I am sure that once you realise that the beneficiary of your studying is none other than you, you will find the motivation to do it. If you study and do well, the person who benefits the most is you, not your parents or anyone else in your life. If you want to become an engineer, and that to from a top college, then there is no short-cut to putting in effort. However, till you believe the effort is being done for someone else, it will always remain a chore. Once you realise it is for yourself, you will start enjoying the journey and focussing on it instead of focussing only on the destination. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, there is no other way to get there, other than enjoying the journey and the process. If you don’t enjoy trekking and consider the journey as torturous, the peak will remain an unattainable goal. If you enjoy trekking, then, even if you eventually don’t make it to the ultimate goal, at least you have enjoyed the trek.
So, reexamine your motivation, and enjoy the journey.

Dear Madam,
I am studying in PUC II and I am interested in doing Aeronautical Engineering. For this, I have decided to take the AIEEE, but my parents are constantly opposing it. A fortune teller has informed them that I will not be successful if I take that exam. How can I convince my parents to believe otherwise? And, in case I do not get admission to an engineering college, can I go for pilot training? Is it true that a pilot license could cost me lakhs of rupees?
Keerthi

Dear Keerthi,
Your parents are probably anxious about your future and are, therefore, seeking inputs from fortune tellers. Unfortunately, when we get these inputs, and try to predict our future, we start believing in them, and they become like self-fulfilling prophecies. You will start believing that anyway I will not do well in this exam, because that is what the fortune teller has said, so why should I study hard. If you don’t study hard, you will not do well. The fortune teller’s prophecy will come true and you will start believing that what the fortune teller told you (or your parents) was indeed true. My advice for you is to retain control of your results with you. Don’t give it up to someone who has no interest or influence in the matter. If you believe you can do it, then just do it and give it your best shot, irrespective of what anyone is saying. And, if you make a mistake along the way, don’t worry — just view it as a stumbling block on your path.
I think it would be wise for you to sit with your parents, and understand their anxieties. Are they financial or are they based on what the fortune teller has said? If you really want to pursue this course, then you may need to look into the financial aspects and see the feasibility of taking an educational loan. Don’t let fortune tellers determine your course of action. You are your best fortune teller. If you believe you can do it, you will find a way to do it. And, even if you don’t make it to the top colleges, I am sure some other opportunities will open up for you. When one door closes, another one opens — we just need to look for it, and allow the possibility of it.
There are many students who focus on the professional entrance exams in preference to the Board exams, and they are comfortable with that choice. It is really your call. I am not a career counsellor and so will not be able to give you details on the course, and which course you should study. Yes, I have heard, that getting a pilot’s license is very expensive.
Good luck.

Sunday 21 August 2011

Believe in Yourself - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A Column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on August 18, 2011]

Dear Madam,
I am in the first year of BSc. I’ve had this large-scale project on my mind for quite sometime now. I even wanted to patent it. My parents and my aunt think that I am too young to think of patents and want me to concentrate on my priorities — studying and passing my degree. But I am passionate about this project and I want to make it a success by patenting it. I’m really confused. Does it have to be, that I can start thinking of major projects only once I get a PhD?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I commend you on your passion and enthusiasm, and, more importantly, your belief in yourself. No, you don’t have to start thinking of major projects only after you get a PhD. I think you should find yourself a mentor who believes in you and your ideas and who will help you do what you are trying to do. The best way to know if your idea has merit is to bounce it off people with relevant experience and get their feedback on it.

Your family may not be having experience in that area, and also, may not be having experience with risk taking. They may be used to playing safe bets, and may be viewing your idea as a risk. They may be wanting to protect you from failure.

Then, in their mind, you would have lost out time on your degree as well and not gained anything. My advice to you is that if you believe in your idea, then go with it. If you fail, it will just be a learning process and a stepping stone to your next big idea. You would still have learnt a lot in the process. And your most important learning may be to take failure in its stride.

Unless you try, you will never know, and most of the time, the difference between achieving success and failure, lies in the passion of the person driving the cause. Good luck!

Dear Madam,
I cannot concentrate on my studies. I am constantly distracted by voices in my head. My mind begins to wander and I find myself thinking about movies or chatting with friends. I am in Class 12 and I am worried about my performance. My parents and teachers have pinned a lot of hope on me. Please help.
X

Dear X,
There are several things that you have mentioned in your letter which could be contributing to the confusion and difficulty you are facing.

I suggest you get the help of a psychiatrist to see if these inner voices are just a temporary distracting phenomena, or are of a more permanent nature. In which case you will need to understand how to tame them.

You also talk about having an inferiority complex, being confused, and feeling pressured to live up to the hopes of your parents and teachers. You also feel a little helpless and don’t know how to manage the many conflicting emotions that you are facing. I have often written on this subject in this column and would urge you to read some of my articles on the subjects:
*See a lion in the mirror (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/see-lion-in-mirror.html);
*It’s not the end of the road (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html);
*How balanced are your see-saws (http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-balanced-are-your-see-saws.html)

These address some of the issues that you have raised. I’d like you to think about your situation where you started believing that you are inferior, that your side of the seesaw is lower while the other side is higher. You must realise that everyone has some faults, and weakness, just like their strengths. Recognising and acknowledging our strengths, while accepting and working on our weaknesses, is the biggest service we can do to ourselves. And, living up to our own expectations, rather than those of others, should be our biggest motivator.

Thursday 28 July 2011

Failures are mere bumps on the road - Ask Our Counsellor Q&A column

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 28, 2011]

Dear Madam,
In life we have to go through changes that will define who we are, give us that identity. I think a lot has to do with what I want to do in my life and I feel I have found it. I really want to change this world. Depending on the success we define for ourselves we carve out a path, a plan. For this we need to think a lot, plan a lot and then implement it. How do we know that what we are thinking is the right way? What if my thinking is flawed. What if it leads to a catastrophic failure? I know the way we tackle failures define us but sometimes results and being successful in certain areas are important. Can you also tell me how to tackle misfortunes that occur in our pursuit to be really successful? I don't have a trusted adult whom I can talk to.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous
Your desire to change this world is creditable. However, for any such large ambiguous goal, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable, definable and achievable goals. How do you want to change the world? What all will you do towards that end? And, how will you know if you have achieved it?
The best way to test out your thinking is to bounce off your ideas with people who can provide you useful inputs. You may be able to find on-line sources of ideas in the field that you are talking about. You say you don’t have a trusted adult whom you can talk to. You can cultivate friendships based around your common interests and test out your ideas there.
How you deal with failures along the way, and there are bound to be some, is a function of how you define success for yourself. And I think you should gain clarity on how you will define success. Failures need to be treated, not as roadblocks, but as mere bumps on the road. You should just bounce off them and be on your path again. You need not necessarily have to change paths. And, the best way to get over your fear of failure is to also define and articulate what exactly you are scared of. What does the failure mean to you, and if you fail what are your worst fears about it. Remember, if you concretise what you are scared about, you may suddenly realise that the worst possible outcome that you are envisaging, may actually not be that scary. It may be something you could easily deal with and move on. One of my favourite quotes is “Failure is an event, not a person”. Keep that in mind and you will be able to move past any failures that come your way.


Dear Madam,
I have completed my BA 4th semester but I failed to perform well in the exams. Now I want to get more marks in the 5th and 6th semesters. Please help me concentrate on my studies.
Mallu S K

Dear Mallu,
It is good that you are now feeling motivated to perform better in your exams. It is very important to be able to bounce back after a failure, rather than feel defeated by it. Failure is an event, not a person. So while you may have failed at an exam, it is important to ensure that you do not start believing that you are a failure.
What is your motivation for getting more marks in the next semesters? Is it because you want to do well and you see it as a stepping stone towards a larger goal that you have in mind. Or, is it because your parents want you to get more marks and you want to either please them, or keep them quiet. If you are doing it for your parents, and see no ultimate purpose in it for yourself, then I’m afraid concentrating will be a challenge even this time around. If you are doing it for yourself, then your motivation for achieving your goals will drive your own efforts.
Whatever your motivation, you need to remember that these marks cannot be your end goal. It is important to always have the larger goal in mind, so that we don’t view failures along the way as ultimate failures, but only as small hurdles on the path to achieving the larger goal. Edison failed a thousand times before he finally invented the light bulb. However, when asked how he dealt with so much failure, he said he had not failed. It was just a thousand step process.

Thursday 7 July 2011

Communication is the Key - Ask Our Counsellor Q & A Column July 7, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on July 7, 2011]

Dear Madam,
Even though I’m very patient with my friends, I lose my temper with my folks at home. My parents comment on each and every move of mine. I really don’t intend to offend them, but sometimes I lose my control . They seem to oppose everything I do which makes me feel I’m incomplete and always wrong. Please suggest a remedy for my problem.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you feel suffocated by the constant monitoring of your parents. You also feel that they do not have confidence in you, or trust in your capabilities. This makes you feel inadequate and incapable.

What stops you from having a conversation with them about how their behaviour makes you feel? Our teenage years are when we individuate from our parents, and define ourselves. Parents often tend to miss this dynamic taking place, and end up being either judgmental or uncomfortable with their children taking on different points of view. They often don’t recognise their child’s growing need for some space .

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is the result of your feeling some other primary emotion — like feeling lonely, sad, guilty, inadequate, unloved, unworthy, and a host of other feelings. It is important for you to be able to identify your underlying primary emotions which result in your feeling angry. And, then discuss this dynamic with your parents.

If you feel unable to have this conversation with your parents on your own (because of your heightened emotions), I suggest you see a counsellor on your own (who can help you deal with your emotions), or as a family (so that the family dynamics can get sorted out). Communication is the key. I am sure your parents don’t have bad intentions. If this is causing you discomfort, then the onus to resolve this lies with you.

Dear Madam,
I completed my PU but failed to perform well in CET. I aspire to be a great doctor. Please help me. I’ve planned to write CET again next year. But I often get bored with books. Staying all alone at home, I waste my time watching TV. My parents don’t let me touch a cell phone or laptop. Help me in concentrating on my studies.
XYZ

Dear XYZ,
I commend you for clarity on your ambition and aspirations. And, also, for the fact that you want to be, not just a doctor, but a great doctor. Unfortunately for the path you have chosen you would need to put in a lot of hard work and there are no shortcuts for that. However, the motivation for the hard work has to come from within you. And, if it genuinely is coming from within you, then you would not feel bored working towards your goal.

I am not able to reconcile the first part of your email to the second part. You would not be complaining about not having access to a cell phone or laptop, and watching too much TV. It seems to me that your parents are putting in these controls to help you work towards a goal that they have set for you. I think you need to search within and see what is it that you genuinely want. Once you have found that, you will have no time for distractions if you are truly committed to your path.

Thursday 16 June 2011

Train your mind to concentrate - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A column June 16, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on June 16, 2011]

Dear Madam,

My son is studying in II PUC (PCMB) and he is attending coaching classes. But, he is unable to concentrate on his studies. He does not have any close friends to share his feelings/difficulties. We are trying our level best to get him to concentrate on his studies. Does he require counselling? Will he be able to score good marks if he goes through text books?

Anxious Parent

Dear Parent

If you are not able to manage your anxiety, it is going to translate onto your child and hamper his performance. You may find it helpful to get a counsellor’s help in managing your anxiety. As parents, we see our child’s ‘success’ as a validation for our own parenting, and therein lies the stress. So you need to understand how you define ‘success’ in life for yourself, and your child. Success in life depends on several factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. Also, you need to see why your sense of self-validation is so heavily dependent on your son being ‘successful’. I think you need to learn to deal with your anxiety about your child’s success.


Now, coming back to your son,

To get the most out of his time, he must be able to concentrate on what he is doing in the moment, rather than let his mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that he controls the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around.

Some exercises to help you improve his concentration are:

* Counting backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting every third number backwards in his mind from 100 to 1
*Counting the words in a paragraph of his book without using his finger as a pointer.

Once this is easy, counting the words on a page.

*Repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in his mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes.

It is very important for him to be able to share his feelings with someone. If he doesn’t have friends, and he is unable to talk to you, then it will probably be helpful for him to meet a counsellor. Don’t forget, if you have anxieties about his future, he will also have anxieties about his future, probably even more than you.

Dear Madam
I am doing my 2nd PUC in Commerce. Since my parents are lawyers, I am also influenced by them in certain ways and am interested in Law. But I am also interested in Visual Communication. I know I shouldn’t do a course just because my parents are in the field and that I need to follow my passion. One day I want to be a lawyer and the next day I want to go into the creative line. How do I know if I am interested in Law or Visual Communications? Is it possible to do both?

A Student

Dear Student

I understand that you are confused as you keenly want to follow two career paths. I think that is a happy position to be in — to be clear about what choices you want to pursue, rather than not know what to do at all — and, to have multiple options, rather than just one.

Maybe you should get the help of a career counsellor to assess which field is a better match with your capabilities and interests.

Also, it may be important for you to understand the two fields in greater depth and gain clarity on what you would be doing if you went down either path. Five years, or ten years into the field, what do you visualise yourself doing, and how do you feel about it. Think of your strengths and weaknesses, and the opportunities and threats, with respect to both the fields and see if that helps you arrive at an answer. Talk to people working in both areas to get a realistic picture of what either career entails.

Also, be mindful of your motivation to do law — Is it that you are passionate about the subject, or is it the ease of being able to settle into an already existing practice which will give you a head start? Think about ways in which it may be possible for you to pursue one line as a passion, outside of your career.

Thursday 26 May 2011

Chart Your Own Path - Ask Our Counsellor - Q&A Column May 26, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald Education supplement on May 26, 2011]

Dear Madam

I am a 15 year old boy. I love sports and I feel I can excel at it, but that’s just a gamble. My parents force me to study. As a result I secure low grades. Of late many sports men are found to be making a lot of money through sports, I think I could as well. What should I do, Study or Sports?

Dear Sportsperson

I have three observations to make about your letter. Firstly, are you aspiring to be a sportsperson for the love of the sport, or for the money you can make. Secondly, are you chasing sports for the love of sports, or for the desire to escape studying. And thirdly, if you are aspiring for the big league in sports, then by age 15 you would probably already have some indication if you can make it. So, check your motivation. Is it to make money, is it to avoid studying, or is it because you excel at it. I do not believe sports and studies are mutually exclusive. You may not excel in studies, but sports helps you concentrate better at your work and you would need some amount of knowledge about the world around you even to be a charismatic sportsman.

Ultimately, sports is about personal passion. But check your motivation first.

Dear Madam,

I have finished writing my CET exam. This is the second time I am attempting it and I have failed once again in securing a seat in the medical field. I am helpless at present and i don't have the courage to face my family members. I am really scared as I feel that I have disappointed them once again. Please help me. Is studying abroad a better option?

Dear Student

I can understand your worry and your anxiety. You feel helpless since you have failed at the exam a second time and don’t have the courage to face your family. You need courage to do something when you are scared of it. So my question to you is what are you scared about? Like I said in the earlier response, it is important to be able to name your fears. This helps us concretize them and see if the fears are rational or not. Sometimes we have a lot of irrational fears, and when we think about them we realize that there is no need for us to be scared of them. So what are your fears about facing your family? Are you scared that they will not love you anymore? Are you scared that they will throw you out of the house? Are you scared that they will not support you anymore? What are you scared about? They may be disappointed by your result, but their disappointment is something they have to deal with. After all no one gets everything they want, and facing disappointment is a part of life. So you don’t need to weigh yourself down with the burden of their disappointment. You need to focus on putting in your best effort in doing what you want to do. Read my article on putting exams in perspective at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html
Remember, if one door closes, another one will open - you just need to look for it.

I don’t have an answer for you about whether studying abroad is a better option. It depends on your readiness to be in a new environment, your family’s financial situation, etc. Studying abroad is not a guarantee of success. The only guarantee is putting in your best effort at learning the maximum from every opportunity.

Thursday 5 May 2011

Do not let failure frighten you - Ask our Counsellor - May 5, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on May 5, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC II (Science) student. I completed my 10th in a small town. After much effort, I shifted to a nearby city to complete my education. I was lax in my first year and got less marks. I am feeling very tense about my second year. I am from a poor family. I want to score good marks. Please guide me.
Nikhil

Dear Nikhil

You seem to want an outcome without working for it. Unfortunately nothing in life gets attained without hard work. However, getting tense about the outcome is not helpful. Just wanting to score good marks, without being willing to put in the effort to work towards them, is not the way forward. Your anxiety and stress may be stemming from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them. This allows you to get them out of your system and focus on what you need to do.

Do not let failure frighten you. Failure is an event, not a person. The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. And this refers to all kinds of failures in life. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. Often students feel that if they fail in an exam they have failed as a person and there is no more hope for them. So, don’t get overwhelmed by the time you have already squandered away. If you have the realisation now, that you need to make changes, then I would say, “Better late than never”. Good luck and work hard. There is no substitute for determination, perseverance, struggle and hard work.

Dear Madam

I am studying in high school. I make a lot of spelling mistakes and my hand writing is going from bad to worse. Can you give me some tips to improve my handwriting and to avoid spelling mistakes?
Student

Dear Student,
If your handwriting is deteriorating, now that you are in high school, and you feel it is not because you need to write too much too fast, and therefore, cannot focus on the writing, I feel you should get an evaluation from a psychologist who may help you deal with this. Both the handwriting and spelling mistakes may be the result of other underlying concerns you may be having.

Dear Madam,
I finished my PU II exams, and have various other exams to take up like CET, COMEDK, NATA, AIEEE. The problem is I am not able to concentrate on my studies at all. I scored well until Std VIII with 80% in my Science subjects. Of late my concentration has hit rock bottom. It has had an adverse effect on my studies. I am hardly able to pass now. I have done badly in my Board exams also because of this. My mind wanders off when I start studying. I want to get my concentration back. I am not able to comprehend what I am going through. Please help me.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I get a sense that you are over anxious about your results, and therefore, are not able to perform well in your exams. You need to be able to put exams in perspective. When you step out of your current shoes and look at your exams from a distance, you will realise that they are only one of the many things in your life and not your whole life. There are several challenges, failures and victories that you will face in life.

This is only one of them. What exams do is to open some doors for you. If you don’t do well in your exams, then those specific doors may not open, but others will — only you will have to look for them. Success in life depends on several other factors, like self-esteem, confidence, and the ability to think creatively, learn quickly, work independently, and in a team, communicate well, and empathise with people, to mention just a few. How do you interpret failure? You are bound to face failure at several stages in life. Everybody does. The important thing is to be able to differentiate the failure from you. Don’t chase the result — chase the learning and relax.

Concentrate on what we are doing in the moment, rather than let our mind wander. The ability to concentrate is a skill that the mind can be trained for, so that we control the mind (and its thoughts) rather than the other way around. Concentration can make all the difference between your excelling. Some exercises to help you improve your concentration are:

*Count backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count every third number backwards in your mind from 100 to 1
*Count the words in a paragraph of your book without using your finger as a pointer.

Once this is easy, count the words on a page. Try repeating an inspiring word or a simple sound, in your mind for five minutes. Once this is easy, try doing it for ten minutes. These are just a few simple exercises which have been known to improve concentration. Try them for a few minutes everyday and see the difference.

Thursday 14 April 2011

Put exams in perspective - Ask our Counsellor - April 13, 2011

[The following queries answered by me appeared in Deccan Herald on April 13, 2011]

Dear Madam,

I am a PU II student. I was good in studies. But, now I think I am disturbed. I am wasting my time thinking about a girl. I want to concentrate on studies, but when I open my book, automatically my mind begins to think about her. I have large goals in my life.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am not sure whether you mean disturbed or distracted. The two emotions are very different.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you have big goals, then probably you have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later.

If you miss out on your career goals, nothing may fall into place later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome. If your goals are too big, and that is what is overwhelming you and allowing you to be distracted, then break them up into smaller, more manageable ones.

If on the other hand, you are disturbed, then I suggest you talk to someone you trust, or a counsellor, to identify why you are feeling the way you are.

Dear Madam

I am a student of Class 8. I feel tense when exams near. Please help.

Ashwathi

Dear Ashwathi

There is an urgent need for us to be able to put exams in perspective because many of us often feel too pressured, stressed, overworked, confused, depressed or just unable to cope, before an exam. And, this has nothing to do with how, or how much, they study.

I feel the anxiety stems primarily from a fear of failure. It would be worth your while to take some time and think about what you are scared of? What is your worst fear about the exams? It is often helpful to write out these fears and express them.

The worst that can happen in an exam is that you may fail in that exam. But, even if you fail in an exam, that does not mean you have failed as a person. When you view a failure as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, and your whole being, you are able to move on. The important thing from any failure is to learn from it.

This may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. While going through a struggle, that struggle seems to be your whole life. You can read more about this at http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/putting-exams-in-perspective.html and http://personalorbitchange.blogspot.com/2010/09/its-not-end-of-road.html

Dear Madam,

I am a CA aspirant. When in school, I fell in love / had a crush (confused) with a class mate. I proposed to her. However, she said she liked me but not enough to marry me.

We chat through SMS’. I call her sometimes. Sometimes I feel I have a big ego as I get angry whenever she ignores me or when she doesn’t reply to my SMS’. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I am from a poor family and want to be a CA and keep my parents happy. I don’t want to lose her also. Please help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are confused, and don’t know whether to focus on your career or your relationship. As I have said in some of my earlier columns, if you choose to focus on your relationships at this stage, you may not get another chance to focus on your career.

And your career choices may also come down if you miss the boat. On the other hand, if you focus on your career now, you will have plenty of time to focus on your relationships later. Also, if you settle down well into your career, you may have many more relationship choices later. I want to also guard you against wanting to do CA to ‘keep my parents happy’.

You will spend the next 25-30 years of your life focussing on your career, so you need to have the right reasons to choose it. Yes, if you do well (financially) your parents will be happy, but that has to be a secondary fallout of your career success, not the primary cause for it. The primary cause has to be your desire to achieve something (whatever that is).

As far as your relationship is concerned, from what you described, it seems like very one-sided — you want it desperately, and she is neutral about it. For a long-term relationship to be successful it needs to be a relationship of equals, where both parties are as eager to enter into it.

I read this quote somewhere which I think is very applicable here — don’t make someone a priority in your life, if you are merely an option in theirs. If you are not comfortable talking to her, and prefer to communicate through SMS; if you don’t know what you want out of the relationship; if you don’t know whether this is love or infatuation; if you cannot express your feelings to her and hope to be understood, then it is probably better for you to treat this experience as a learning opportunity so that you have a better understanding of long-term relationships when you are ready to enter into one.

And, till then, focus on your CA and many relationship options will present themselves later.

Thursday 31 March 2011

Rebalancing the Homework System

[The following article, written by me, appeared in the Education Supplement of Deccan Herald on March 31, 2011]

FRESH TAKE
Don’t take responsibility for your child’s homework, says Maullika Sharma, as she suggests ways to make the task less stressful
ESTEEM BOOSTING Children feel a sense of accomplishment when they are allowed to take  responsibility for their work.Homework is something all of us have struggled with. First, when we were children and had to do our own homework; now, when we are parents and have to make sure our children do theirs. What is it about homework that makes it so stressful? I decided to study this phenomenon and see where it led me.

The objectives of assigning homework to students are twofold. The first is to make sure students understand what is taught in school, and further their learning on a particular topic. So students are often asked to revise chapters, do worksheets, or make some charts and reports. The second objective of homework, and possibly the more important one, is to teach children about responsibility, time management, creativity and resourcefulness. This objective, unfortunately, is mostly forgotten.

In our anxiety to be good parents we often focus only on the first objective of getting the work done. If that means that we need to do the homework, then so be it. We stay up late and work on the chart, or cut out and stick the pictures. We beautify the project so that it looks good. Eventually, it becomes our homework, not our child’s. We try to ensure our child’s project is the best in the class, because we, as parents, feel validated by that. After all, we don’t want our child’s teacher to feel that we are not ‘good enough’ parents who are not interested in their child’s homework, and do not ensure that it is done on time.

Perceptive kids
Children are sometimes more perceptive than we may like them to be, and they pick up on these anxieties of ours very quickly. They then take no time in transferring the responsibility onto us! And we, unknowingly, take it. Who said parents aren’t a gullible lot? If the teacher does not approve of the work submitted then it is no big deal for the child because it wasn’t their work in the first place. As parents, it becomes our responsibility to compensate for our child’s lack of responsibility.

However, contrary to what we may believe, children like to feel a sense of ownership about their work. They like to feel that they did it independently, and that they are capable of doing it all by themselves, without inputs from their parents. It makes them feel all grown up and gives them a sense of satisfaction. It doesn’t matter if the output is not perfect, if the lines are not straight, or the picture is a little crooked. When they do it on their own, they get a feeling of accomplishment. When we step in and do it for them we deprive them of this opportunity to feel satisfied.

The blame for parents falling into this trap does not rest entirely with the parents. Teachers are very quick at asking parents to get more involved in their children’s homework. Very often teachers comment on how parents are not committed to their child’s development because they don’t help them at home. And should the teacher come to know that the child’s mother works full-time outside the home, she is quick to pass judgment on how the mother doesn’t focus enough on the child’s work. After all, teachers want the students’ projects to be near perfect because their own performance is judged on it!

So this is what an out-of-balance and dysfunctional homework system looks like. As parents, we make frequent inquiries about assignments given; we keep reminding our child to do his work; we keep asking if the work has been done; we help out by doing some (sometimes most) of the work; we give lectures about the work not being finished; and, we feel responsible for our child’s failure if the work does not get done on time and does not get done well. Teachers, on the other hand, lecture, persuade or coerce the children to do their work; they give frequent reminders and deadline extensions and make-up opportunities; they make the work easier if it is not done; they give special rewards for it being done; they ask parents to get more involved; and, they also feel responsible for the child’s failure.

While parents and teachers are filled with all this sense of anxiety and responsibility, the children learn to beat the system. They provide excuses about assignments; they keep listening to reprimands but wait till the last minute to get started; they do their work in a busy part of the house so as to attract maximum attention and get maximum inputs (sometimes even without asking for them). They rush through and do their work carelessly, because the responsibility for doing it well is not theirs, but their parents’ or teachers’. And, if they get poor grades they are, naturally, quick to pass on the blame to their parents!

The question then is that if the homework system is so out of balance in your home, how do you rebalance it? You need to be able to look at your role in this system, and the physical infrastructure within which the homework happens.

Regular time
As a parent, you need to establish a regular time and place for homework to be done. Preferably this should be earlier in the day than later. Also, there should be a definite start time and end time, so that you have time to interact with your child without the homework sword  dangling on both of you. Often the only interaction that happens between parents and their children is about their homework (which has a knack of stretching into all available time). Your emphasis with respect to homework should be on effort, not outcome; on process, not product. Also, fix a place in the home, where homework should be done, and ensure this is not in the centre of the house, otherwise there is a constant invitation from the child (and a temptation for you to) jump into the process. Provide all the necessary materials and instructions. Clarify the consequences for non-compliance. And, then, most importantly, stay off the dance floor!

It is your child’s job to keep track of books and assignments, start on time so as to finish on time, ask for (limited) guidance if needed, and turn in the work on time. And, most importantly to accept responsibility for his grades (high or low).

As with all change, this rebalanced system will take time to settle down. Expect to be constantly tested. But stay firm and be vigilant of lapses. And, in the meantime, if your child’s teacher is not so appreciative of your ‘uninvolved’ approach try helping her redefine her role! Good luck!

Thursday 24 March 2011

About Success and Self Esteem : Ask our counsellor Q&A Column March 24, 2011

The following queries answered by me, appeared in the Deccan Herald Education Supplement on March 24, 2011

Dear Madam
I am currently studying in 11 Std and am doing science. I scored 9 CGPA in 10 standard. I want to become a doctor, but I am being distracted from my studies in school. I know that this is the age to study, but some boys come and say that I look very cute and ask me to accept their proposal. Thinking I may not get such a nice person ever again I gravitate towards him! But, first of all, is it necessary to have a boyfriend? And, what is love? Please tell me what to do?

Distracted Student

Dear Distracted Student

I understand that you have a feeling that you may never find a ‘nice’ boy again and that drives you to getting distracted with the current boy who is pursuing you. I would like you to think about it. Why do you feel that you will never find another boy? Do you believe that you are not good enough and therefore should grab whoever is coming your way right now? I have written some articles earlier on the topics of self esteem and self image which can be found at http://archive.deccanherald.com/Content/May22009/living20090501133620.asp and http://www.deccanherald.com/content/97262/how-balanced-your-seesaws.html. Read them if you get a chance. You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you are good enough to find an appropriate partner whenever you are ready for it.

I also get a sense that you may be getting distracted because you feel you must have a boyfriend, otherwise you won’t be ‘cool’ enough amongst your peers. A boyfriend is not ‘something’ that you must have, but rather someone whom you are able to connect with as a friend, and at an emotional level. He is someone who loves you for who you are, and not because it is ‘cool’ to be with you. He is someone you feel comfortable with. There is no such age as the right age to love, and the right age to have a boyfriend. When you find the right person you will know.

If you are distracted, then you must consciously try to retain your focus on what you are meant to do — i.e. study. Remember, now is the time to work towards your goals. If, as you say, you want to become a doctor, then you probably have a lot of work to do. If you are able to achieve your goals everything else will fall into place later. If you miss out on your goals now, you may not get another chance to achieve them later. Unfortunately, there is a sequence of events in life, and sometimes doing things in the wrong order may spoil the eventual outcome.
All the best.

Dear Madam,
I am a student of BE final year. I have not been able to clear the aptitude tests of 3 companies. Even though I work hard I am unable to get short listed. I scored 80.83% in my 12th and 85.92% in my 10th exams. My academic result is 65.373%. What shall I do now?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you should feel disheartened so early on in your search. If you have not cleared 3 aptitude tests, it does not mean that you are not good enough. It just means that you have not done well in those tests, and that you need to hone your skills in appearing for those tests some more. See it as an opportunity to develop your skills, like a test of mock exams before the final ones. Remember, failure is never a person.

If we use that failure as an opportunity to learn something, then it is not a failure at all. Also, remember, that success in the workplace is not a function of your marks. Success in the workplace is a function of other skills. What the workplace needs today is not marks, but self-esteem.

Saturday 5 March 2011

Get a Grip on Anger

[The following article written by me was published in the Deccan Herald Living Supplement on March 5, 2011]

STRESS BUSTING
Anger can devastate lives and destroy relationships. Maullika Sharma tells you how to stop yourself from flying off the handle
MAKE PEACE If you are not able to identify your primary feelings, such as jealousy, helplessness or hurt,  and deal with them, your anger doesn’t ever get resolved.Anger is often said to be one letter short of ‘danger’; it is something we have learnt to fear. Yet, everyone gets angry. While trying to understand and dissect anger, it is important to tame this emotion, rather than have it control us.

To put it very simply, anger is a feeling — just one of the many emotions that we face in our day. But, sometimes, it can be a frightening emotion. It can devastate lives, destroy relationships, harm others, disrupt work, cloud effective thinking, affect physical health, and ruin the future.

Anger is a secondary emotion. When you have primary feelings like jealousy, agitation, loneliness, helplessness, bitterness, fear, defeat, embarrassment, hurt, confusion, shame, frustration, powerlessness, disappointment or insecurity, you end up with the secondary feeling of anger.

If you are not able to identify your primary feelings and deal with them, your anger doesn’t ever get resolved.

Let’s consider what happens when, for instance, your six-year-old son goes to a party and attacks the cake and chips like he has never seen food before!

He keeps drinking glass after glass of cola, and eating piece after piece of cake, till, much to your embarrassment, it actually runs short for the other kids around.

You get angry because he always does that, and this time you had specifically coached him not to.

You shout at him, maybe even slap him, and threaten to take him home. But, do you ever step back and think about why this makes you angry?

Anger is the result of thinking, and, most of the time, too much thinking. It is not something that simply happens to you. When situations don’t go the way you want them to, and people don’t behave the way you expect them to, you get frustrated and engage in a familiar angry response.

You probably get angry because you think your son is not listening to you (you feel ignored and disrespected); you think the others at the party will question your ability to control as a parent (you feel helpless and powerless); you think others will tease your son and in some ways tease you as well (you feel embarrassed); you think others will say you are not a good enough parent (you feel invalidated and judged); you think your son will fall sick (you feel anxious and worried); you may even think that you would love to be able to eat that much too (you feel jealous).

So, a simple act of overeating by your child results in lots of thinking, and therefore, lots of different feelings, and eventually in the feeling of anger and the resultant behaviour of anger — shouting, hitting or threatening your child.

How many of us think about our anger at this level of detail?

We just let the external stimuli (in this case the behaviour of the child) cause our angry response (shouting, hitting, threatening). And, we allow anger to simmer within.

Anger is often described as a volcano. In many volcanoes the lava simmers within for years, gradually building up pressure. When the pressure becomes too much to be contained, the volcano erupts and the lava flows, destroying everything in its wake.

When our primary underlying emotions are not expressed or resolved, they keep simmering within till we can hold them no longer. And, then one day, often quite unexpectedly for the people around us, we explode — destroying things and relationships.

We end up feeling calmer, but by then the damage has already been permanently done to our environment.

There are, however, other types of volcanoes that have several steam vents through which the lava keeps flowing out gently. The pressure within never builds up enough to cause the big explosion, because every time there is a build up, there is a built-in system to release the pressure.

Similarly, if we resolve our underlying primary emotions, there is no danger of a big explosion and the resultant damage.

Let’s go back to the previous example. It is clear that the mother needs to feel validated, in control and confident about her ability to be a good parent.

If she is able to identify these needs and meet them in some other way, she will be able to interpret her child’s behaviour just for what it is (his love for food) rather than for what she makes it out to be (a threat to her parenting capabilities).

Becoming aware of our unmet needs, and making a conscious attempt to satisfy them becomes an important tool in understanding and managing anger.

This is not to say that children don’t need to be taught socially appropriate behaviour. But take a minute to think about whether in the process of teaching we need to feel inadequate, invalidated, and therefore, angry, or happy at being able to guide our children onto the right path even if we encounter some pitfalls along that path.

Self-awareness, they say, is the most important tool to manage anger. Thankfully, that’s completely within our power and our control.