At what price financial freedom

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on March 7, 2009]

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

A large number of women are now financially independent and see no need to maintain joint financial accounts with their partners. How wise is this, wonders Maullika Sharma

An increasing number of young and not-so-young couples go for marital counselling these days. While this is a disturbing trend for most, who commonly interpret it to mean that couples are having more problems, I tend to discount their scepticism and believe this is healthy. It means more people are willing to work on their relationships. It also means that less than satisfactory relationships are not acceptable any more. However, there are some trends that I do find disturbing in today's couples. An important one on that list is how couples choose to treat their finances. A larger number of women are now active and equal participants in the workplace. They earn as much as (and sometimes more than) their partners. They are financially independent and see no need to maintain joint financial accounts. He has his bank account and credit card. She has hers. They split the costs of running the house and bringing up the kids 50:50. He splurges on himself, without a care in the world. She does the same. Not having to ask the partner before indulging oneself is the biggest payoff. This is fine during good times. What about the bad times?  What if one partner loses his job temporarily, or has a slump in her business? Taking an even longer term view, what happens if one partner gets disabled? Can he/she assume that the healthy partner will take care of him/her? And if that is the expectation then is that an unreasonable expectation in a marriage? Complicating matters? These and a million other questions come to the mind when couples say they manage their finances independently. Sometimes, in an attempt to guard our space we make even simple things complicated. Today, it is a matter of pride that women are earning as much as men and so want to be, and rightly so, treated as equals. A marriage, however, should ideally be a relationship of two equals, irrespective of who is earning how much. Is financial independence, as defined by independent bank accounts, credit cards and savings, the basis for equality in a marriage? Is such financial independence the only way to protect your space in a relationship? Let's consider the relationship of Rashmi and Suresh — young IT professionals earning equally well. They decided to keep their finances separate to maintain their independence. Initially the arrangement worked well and they were happy. Then Suresh's brother’s marriage was fixed and Suresh needed to contribute towards the wedding. Suresh and Rashmi didn't really need to 'talk' about it, because it was his obligation and he decided how much to contribute. Rashmi neither got involved, nor felt it was any of her business. An opportunity for 'communication' and building a joint goal in the marriage was lost. Suresh worked extra hard, and saved extra hard, to meet his extra financial commitment. Rashmi continued to shop and splurge. She wanted to look stunning at the wedding and that was her only financial need. How would the scenario be different if his money was theirs, and her money was also theirs? First, Suresh would have to 'communicate' with Rashmi. He would have told her how much he wanted to give; he would have needed to check if she was okay with that; they would have to negotiate and arrive at an amount that was comfortable for both of them; they would then both have to work and save extra hard to meet their joint commitment. Control or let go What would it mean for their relationship? They would feel joint ownership for the 'project' — Suresh would feel supported; Rashmi would feel more connected to Suresh. It would facilitate the building of trust between them. Second, it would force Suresh to first consider their financial situation in its totality, and his financial obligations to his family (with Rashmi), before making a commitment for the wedding. It'd force Rashmi to think beyond her individual needs. Could this mutual consideration be such a bad thing after all? It may initially be really hard for either partner to 'let go' of their need to 'control' all their money. If one partner is a spendthrift, while the other is a miser, every amount spent, or not spent, by the other partner, may lead to heightened emotions. Gradually you learn to 'trust' the way your partner handles money. And, hopefully that trust will seep into other areas of your relationship as well. Trust has the potential to become a 'learnt' behaviour — a habit hard to shake off. And in a lighter vein, you may suddenly stop waiting for the Rs 1,000 bouquet on Valentine's Day because you realise you are the one paying for it anyway! It is my opinion that the loss of an opportunity for improved communication in a marriage, an increased level of financial commitment to the family, and a greater level of trust between the partners are too high a price to pay for one's financial independence.

For me, the loss of an opportunity for improved communication in a marriage, an increased level of financial commitment to the family, and a greater level of trust between the partners are too high a price to pay for one’s financial independence. Twenty years into my marriage I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Not because, my earnings now are a meager percentage of what my husband earns, but because we started out our relationship that way - when the difference in our earnings was inconsequential, and my cumulative savings were significantly higher than his. It was my husband’s vision and I ‘gave in’ (maybe a bit reluctantly at first). Experience has shown me its many benefits.

See a lion in the mirror

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on May 2, 2009]

If you realise that you are stuck with a self-image that is not serving you well and is detrimental to your wellbeing, how do you correct it? The first step is to identify your existing self-image and then to come to terms with it. Only then can healing begin

I have a poster in my office which I find extremely powerful. It has the picture of a golden cat with white stripes, looking into a full-size floor-standing mirror. What it sees is a big, powerful lion staring back at it! The caption says,"What matters most is how you see yourself". Imagine that! Just imagine how powerful the cat must be feeling as it looks into the mirror in the morning before stepping out for the activities of its day, believing it is a lion that rules the jungle. To get the full impact of the visualisation, now imagine how it would feel, had it looked into the mirror and seen a mouse stare back! Would it even have the energy to go out and look for food? Would it have the courage? Probably not. It would be too scared even of the other mice, so how could it possibly think of killing them! The difference in both the scenarios is just how the cat sees itself. And, that, is the difference between those who believe they rule the world; and those who believe they are powerless. It is all a matter of how they see themselves. But how they see themselves, or you see yourself, is not merely a matter of looking in the mirror and telling yourself that from that day on you are going to see yourself as a lion, or a horse, or a CEO, or a winner, or a leader or whatever else you please. Unfortunately this self-image gets imbedded deep into our psyche when we are children, and it requires a lot of hard work on our part to change the self-image that we grow up with. As a child, when you have been told by your parents, teachers, grandparents, and the other grown-ups in your life that you are not good enough, you internalise that message subconsciously. Then as an adult when you step into the world, you go into your workplace, your marriage, and your other relationships believing that you are not good enough. You spend your time trying to prove to yourself, and to others, that you are indeed good enough. Life-long impact So, how does this have an impact on your performance at work? You end up being diffident and doubt your capabilities. You constantly seek validation and reassurance that you are doing the right thing. You never believe your contribution is valuable to the organisation. You are happy being a follower rather than a leader. You can never assertively demand a raise or promotion that is due to you (because you don't really believe you deserve it). You spend your time trying to do what your boss, or colleagues, or even subordinates, think is right, rather than evaluating for yourself what you believe is right. How does this have an impact on your marriage, or other significant relationships? You can never take charge of your relationship. You are again dictated by doing what your partner wants you to do. You keep seeking reassurance from your partner. You never believe you are capable of taking charge and taking decisions for your life, and that of your family. You start treating your partner as the superior person in the relationship which upsets the balance of the relationship and is never helpful. If you see your relationship as a seesaw then the seesaw must always be horizontal for the relationship to be meaningful. Relationships work best when they are balanced. If you feel you are the lower one on that seesaw, the other partner by the very nature of the seesaw, will be the upper one. The moment you start believing you are 'not so low', the other partner is forced to be 'not so high'. Balancing this seesaw is the key to having a meaningful relationship. If you start off with a poor self-image the task of attaining this balance is so much harder. Impact on relationships How does this have an impact on your other relationships with your parents, siblings, friends, even kids? You constantly try to please everyone, and may soon find your self living life on everyone else's terms rather than your own. You will never be able to take a stand against any perceived injustices in your relationships because you believe that you are not 'good enough'. So you will constantly do whatever your parents demand and expect of you, to keep them happy. Your siblings and friends will always dictate what they want, and you will cater to their every wish, even if you don't agree with it, because of your over-enthusiasm to please them (and thus establish your worth). Your kids will pretty soon imbibe these inequalities in your relationships with others, and pick up the same cues. Before you know it, they will be the higher ones, on the seesaw between both of you. So, if you realise that you are stuck with a self-image that is not serving you well and is detrimental to your well being, how do you go about correcting it? Or, is the damage done irreparable? The first step is to identify what your existing self-image is. Put a name to it. Acknowledge its existence and analyse whether it is serving you well or not. Figure out how you got it. Trace its origins. Then identify which parts of it hold relevance for you as an adult, and which parts you can discard. This process is not always easy. It can, in fact, be quite hard. It involves deep introspection, either on your own, or with the help of a counsellor. It involves revisiting the not-so-pleasant memories of your past, reliving their pain, and realising how they made you who you are today. It involves acknowledging their irrelevance (and often, that means accepting — painfully — that the parents and other adults you trusted did not always do things that benefited you). This makes your existing self-image much more tangible. It is then easier to shed, or discard, just as it is easier, to throw out discrete pieces of rubbish lying on the floor, than it is to rid the floor of a whole layer of dust that has been settled there for years. If you are just dissatisfied with your self and your life, there is really not much you can do about it till you are able to concretize the dissatisfaction — till you are able to say it is because you feel ignored, or you feel undervalued, or you feel walked over, or you feel cheated. Once you know what it is, and where it originates from, your work is much easier. You are then left with the relatively simpler task of building the self-image that you want, by consciously deciding what it is, and making a plan to internalise it for yourself. Building something new is always a joyous experience, unlike throwing something away which is painful, and often full of memories, remorse and regret. So enjoy the journey of rebuilding yourself, and your self-image.

Why exams are nothing to worry about

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on March 19, 2009]

The examination fever is on, and will be, for the next couple of months as students attend Board exams, entrance exams and semester exams. Much has been said about the pressure students face and how many of them succumb to that pressure in dysfunctional ways. And, it is not only the youngsters who face the pressure. Board parents (as a friend of mine calls herself) are also a stressed out lot – not knowing whether the pressure they are putting on their kids is enough, too little, or just too much! Youngsters often feel too stressed, too overworked, too confused, too depressed or just unable to cope. I believe there is an urgent need to put exams in perspective, and to give some coping mechanisms and an alternative viewpoint, not often aired. And this has nothing to do with how or how much you study. Break the wall Sometimes teenagers feel unable to communicate with parents, teachers or friends, because they don’t want to pass on their worries to them. Or perhaps they feel they will not be understood, or maybe they feel ‘wrong’ about what they are thinking or feeling. They build walls around themselves  based on their own inhibitions and beliefs. They are unable to let themselves be vulnerable and ask for help. They try to project themselves as people they are not and therein lies the stress. So the first step is to break down the walls you have built around yourself and let your ‘true’ self be known. Everyone has strengths, just as everyone has weaknesses. As you go along life’s journey you may discover many doors close in front of you. That is a part of life, no matter how disheartening and discouraging. But remember, for every door that closes another one opens. It is for you to discover and grab the ones that open. When my husband was graduating from engineering college, he realized that his poor eyesight would not allow him to get past the medical test for entrance to the IITs. So he had to opt for a place that did not have medical tests as a part of their entrance procedure. One door closed, another opened. Then he realized that his eyesight would not allow him to get past the medical tests for getting a government job. So my husband had to make do with a job in a private sector company in the software R&D department. A saviour’ He now heads one of the larger software companies in India. Instead of viewing his poor eyesight as a handicap, he regards it as a saviour – a saviour that saved him from the drudgery of a government job, to one that allowed him to blossom in the world of software. So the second step is to discover the doors that open, even in the most unexpected of ways. Don’t let failure frighten you. Talking from my own experience, I was always amongst the top two students in my class. I did science in my twelfth and yet I did not sit for any of the engineering or medical entrance exams. Nor did I sit for the MBA entrance exams. And the only explanation I can offer, as I think back on my life, is that I was so used to success, I did not have the guts to face failure. Better not to take the exams, than to fail and having to say that I did not get through! That is patently a losing proposition. So the third step is to not let failure frighten you. Failure is an event, not a person. You may fail in an exam but that does not mean you failed as a person. And this refers to all kinds of failures in life. When you view it as one passing event in life rather than your whole life, you are able to move on. Now, this may be contrary to what parents and teachers say – they probably say that failure is not an option. And, you must not view it as an option as that allows you to get complacent. But, you must learn to view it in the perspective of your life. In your life (with an average lifespan of 75 years), the one month of exams is a mere fraction of the 900 months that you will live; a mere 4 weeks of the 328,500 that you will go through. While going through a struggle, the struggle seems to be your whole life. Stepping away and viewing it from the distance, in the perspective of your whole life, somehow makes it seem less daunting and more manageable. That’s the fourth step. Final step I just have one final step. It is the job of our parents and teachers and other adults in our life to push us. All of us benefit from that push and many would not have achieved half of what they did, had it not been for their well-wishers pushing them (or nagging them, depending on how you look at it). Many successful people attribute their success to the constant push they got at home. However, if you feel the push is too much and counterproductive, it is your responsibility to break down the walls we talked about and let them know. It is your responsibility to define space for your self. Take responsibility for your actions and inactions. Define the person you are, and arrive at your own definition of success. And if you need help, don’t forget to ask, and receive. In conclusion, I would like to quote from an anonymous source, “Contrary to popular opinion, meaning is not discovered. It is not something lying around on life’s road waiting to be tripped over. One makes meaning” out of one’s life by connecting to a purpose larger than one self. In this case, however, the purpose of this article could very well be to prime myself up for when I am a board mom!

It's not the end of the road...

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore, on August 15, 2009]

Failure is just another event in our lives. In fact, it is a great learning opportunity, especially for children. If you fall, don’t give up. Get up, brush off the bruises and run again. Maullika Sharma cheers on

Failure is scary. Not because it needs to be, but because of the way we interpret it. In fact, I would like to go even a step further and say that failure provides a fantastic learning opportunity! Facing failure, learning from it, and thriving in its aftermath are amongst the most important life skills we can learn. And, help our children learn.

An over-involved, or should I say overprotective mother, once came to me. Her child was in the fourth standard and she was very concerned about how she needed to prepare her son for a national science exam. She wanted tips from me since my child had been doing well in the same exam. She wanted question papers, guide books, portions, etc.

My advice to her was that there really was nothing I could give her. I said, “Just let him have fun doing the exam. If he does well, great. If he doesn’t, what’s the big deal? Even failure is an important life lesson to learn.” In this case, I think, it was probably a lesson the mother needed to learn as well. She was horrified by my advice. She said, “Failure is not something someone that young needs to learn.” That was, obviously, the end of our conversation. However, it did set me thinking.

Dealing with children
What messages do you give your children about failure? If they fail an exam, do you tell them that they have failed as a person? That they are a failure? Or, do you tell them that though they may have failed an exam they have a lot of other strengths, and that you are going to help them turn around this “negative” experience into a “positive” learning opportunity? That you are going to help them learn from the experience? 

When you fall, do you fall forever? Or do you get up, brush off the bruises, and run again? Failure is just another fall or stumble in the marathon run of life. You need to learn, and teach your kids, to get up, brush off and be on your way again. Life is about finishing the race successfully, not necessarily always about winning it.

At this point I must say that I use the word “successfully” with some apprehension and caution. How do you define success? Do you define it in terms of how much money you have in your bank when you die, or the respect you get from your peers right now? Do you define it by the number of people in your span of control, or by the number of loving relationships you can stake your claim to? Do you define it by your job title, or by how much you have learned? Do you define it by the size of your house, and the expensive paintings on your walls, or do you define it by the love and comfort in your home?

As a student, do you define it by your academic results and medals, or by the overall development of your personality? As a parent, do you define it by the quantifiable and measurable achievements of your children, or by the strength of your bond with them?
How you define “success” has an impact on how you define “failure”, and the impact you allow failure to have on you. Are you a success, or have you been successful in a achieving a particular goal? Are you a failure, or have you failed in a particular task?

A client of mine had just sold off his business after a huge loss. He was down in the dumps and was having difficulty motivating himself to look for another job. He had failed. Why would anyone even consider giving him a job? My question to him was, “Did you fail, or did your business fail?” That poser caused a paradigm shift in his thinking. He was suddenly able to differentiate between himself and his business. He had not failed! In fact he had learnt a lot, even though his business had failed. He was immediately able to draw on his strengths (which had given him the courage to start a business), gain from his experiences, and project himself as a more confident and capable candidate. He called me after a couple of weeks of our work together to say he had found a job he was very happy with.

Many employers today prefer employees who have had entrepreneurial experience, even if their venture has not been successful, because failure can teach you many things. But, only if you allow it to.

Suicidal youth
Why is it that so many young people commit or contemplate suicide these days? In many cases it is because they have never learnt to face failure, confront it, and learn from it. They have never learnt the importance of getting up after a fall and running again, just for the pleasure of completing a race. They have only learnt the importance of winning the race.

As a student I was extremely focussed on high academic achievements. My self-worth as an adolescent and young adult was anchored to doing well in exams. The downside of it was that I never even attempted exams I was not sure of doing well in, where I was treading into unknown territory. As a result I never even attempted any competitive entrance exams. I’d rather not do an exam than fail it! I often wonder how my life may have been different had I not had this fear of failure. I wish I knew then what I know now.

So the next time you are confronted by failure, stop and ask yourself — Is it me, or is it just another event in my life? Whether it is an unhappy relationship, a failed exam, a flopped business, a lost race, an unmet target, or a sunken investment — whatever the failure, it has to be viewed as just another event in your life, rather than your whole life.
Failure is an event, just another event. Failure is not a person, failure is not YOU.

How balanced are your see-saws?

[The following article written by me was published in Deccan Herald, Bangalore on Sept 19, 2010]

EMOTIONAL WELLBEING While self-doubt can make you feel insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused, positive feelings can generate positive energy that makes you confident and assertive, says Maullika Sharma

A little wooden seesaw sits on my desk. Carefully picked out from the furniture set belonging to my daughter’s old play house, I didn’t realise when I bought it what valuable lessons about life it would teach me, and how useful I would find it in my work as a counsellor.

Most teenagers, and now even adults, who come to me for counselling end up analysing themselves to answer my question, “How balanced is your seesaw?” It sounds like a strange question. But it isn’t all that strange when you think about it.

In an ideal world, if a seesaw represents each of your relationships with others, then for most relationships (other than the parent/ child, teacher/ student and boss/ subordinate relationship) the seesaw should be horizontal. That means each person on either side of the seesaw should be considered equal. This would imply that both people are equally worthy, capable and competent.

It is, however, not an ideal world and people’s seesaws end up being tipped in one direction or the other. I decided to look deeper into this phenomenon to see how it has an impact on mental health.

We have beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, which result in generating thoughts in our mind. These thoughts are the basis of our feelings and emotions. If the feelings are positive, we feel energised. If the feelings are negative, we feel drained. These feelings result in our behaving and acting in a particular way, which results in consequences that reinforce our underlying beliefs and thoughts.
It sounds quite complicated but it’s actually simple and straightforward. It means that if you change your underlying beliefs and the consequent thoughts, your feelings will change.

Let’s look at this in the context of the relationship seesaw between children. Ram (name changed), the child who came to me with very low self-esteem, had a belief that he was not good enough, worthy or capable. So, when he tried to make friends in school he always thought, “Am I good enough to be their friend?” As a result of his self-doubt, he felt insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused. He felt drained of energy and motivation. This resulted in his behaviour towards potential friends being tentative, submissive and unsure. He was willing to do anything to gain acceptance into the group. The “others” in his mind were a powerful and superior bunch of kids. Ram did not realise that he was the one giving them all the power! Anything that Ram did was dictated by the “others”. This further reinforced his belief that he, indeed, was not good enough. With each passing day he ended up feeling worse about himself. His relationship seesaw had hit the ground and stayed there.

After counselling, Ram’s side of the relationship seesaw gradually started rising up, which naturally meant that the other side — where the other kids were — automatically started equalising itself and coming down. Not because of anything that the other kids did, but because of the changes that Ram was making within himself.

When Ram started believing that he was good enough, worthy and capable, he started asking himself a different question: Were the other kids good enough to be his friends? His belief in himself made him feel secure, energetic, confident and comfortable. His positive feelings generated positive energy that made him behave confidently and helped him stand up for himself when required. His actions stemmed from the belief that he was equal to the others. He felt more in control.

Imagine the power we give to other persons over us, by allowing our side of the seesaw to sink! They become powerful not because of who they are (over which we have no control) but because of who we are (over which we have total control).

When our side of the seesaw hits the ground, they appear to become a looming power over us. When we regain our balance, they become just one of us. We can then look beyond them, and explore other friends, newer pastures and newer possibilities.

How balanced are your seesaws? It is time for all of us to think about this question. Perhaps, we need to work on some rebalancing before it is too late.